DH weekend football games & baby

[sandbun67]

DH goes to the local home football games with his friends on Saturdays and has done for as long as I have known him. They are a really nice group of men - they go, have a few drinks in a nearby pub, see the game and come home. All very innocent and they are out for about 5-6 hours. Always been really happy for him to go, even for the last 9 months when we have had a new baby as I can sometimes get someone to come and help me and I also feel quite well rested (baby is a great sleeper) so I'm happy to do the day alone if I need to. DH is also a very involved dad and supports me a lot so I'm happy for him to take the time to continue doing something he really enjoys.

However, I recently mentioned to DH that I wasn't sure about him going to every single game when I'm back working FT as a teacher in September. I thought this was quite reasonable but he thinks I'm being really unfair and I can't decide who is being unreasonable. My reasoning to him was as follows:

• The working week is exhausting. Pre baby I usually had to work one day at the weekend just to keep on top of everything and I can only see this getting worse as I will need to leave work earlier to pick up from nursery. I would usually do my work on a Sunday meaning that Saturday is my only 'free' day of the week. If DH goes to a football match and leaves me to solo parent on this free day, I effectively won't get a day off all week. Yes I can get someone to come and help me but this isn't necessarily how I would want to spend this free day - I'd like to spend it with him and our DD!
• The football games take place roughly 1/3 of my working weekends (I'm happy for him to go on the weekends of school holidays when I will have been off in the week). So effectively one third of all my working weekends I have already been signed up to not really getting a break/time as a family.
• When do we get family time? DH has suggested on other weekends I can do something for myself and he'll look after DD so it balances out, but if I match him on this then we will hardly ever get family time the 3 of us.

For clarity, I didn't say that I didn't want him to go, just that maybe he could reduce the amount he goes but he thinks that the number of games in a year is reasonable.

Genuinely unsure who is being unreasonable here as I sort of feel backed into a corner and I feel that it has just been assumed I will agree to this.

Can you get childcare for the time he is out at football? That would be your time to catch up on work ( that shouldn't be viewed as part of your time off). So then when he is home, that is family time.
Or he goes to football, but does nursery pick up a couple of extra weekday evenings, while you complete your work and then meet friends/ go to the gym/whatever. Then you have Saturday afternoons free with the baby while he goes to football. Saturday mornings and Sundays would be family time .

I don't think it's unreasonable of him to want to continue going, but think it's also important for you to get the same.

Could you do any work you need to do Saturday morning, then on Saturday afternoon he goes out and then on the weekends he isn't at football you go out. This leaves every Sunday to do something as a family.

Going out for five hours every three weekends sounds fine to me.

I agree with PP that your job sounds like the issue here, not his hobby.

Why does someone need to come and help you with the baby if he isn't there?

They don't need to, it's just nice to have the extra pair of hands.

It's quite rubbish of him and I wouldn't be happy at all, however you did go into the relationship knowing this was a priority for him. I would insist on equal time off for both of you, at the cost of family time if need be. I would also work really hard on time management and saying no at work to protect your personal time more. I'm an ex teacher and know how hard it is working ft with children, you need to prioritise your own time/family time as much as you can now.

I think I'm more bothered by the lack of family time
this and you need an extra pair of hands for one child?
You sound very precious, you live together, you share lives why does family time need rinfgfenced?
Enforced time together sounds insufferable.

I don't see why he shouldn't.

I think it might have been fine if he stepped up on Sundays while you had a relaxing day, but if you anticipate having to work then it's not going to work so it isn't fair.

Thank you? I haven't yet navigated managing the working week with a baby but time together the 3 of us is important to me. As I said before, I don't need someone to come and help me but we have very willing local family and I will never say no to the help.

It's 19 weekends out of 52. You'll have 33 other weekends where he'll be with the family. By your own admission he does all the cooking and most of the cleaning. If you're going to tell him he can't have 6 hours for 19 weekends of the year then I think he'd have every right to be annoyed with that.

19 (half?) Saturdays you'll get baby to yourself. You'll miss that when you're back at work too, you might even find you look forward to football Saturdays.

Ex teacher here.

So you work 6 days and he works 5?

Id be mega pissed off. How do you grow a family with no family time?

Could you do 4 days? I remember the misery of the ‘extra’ planning day every week.

Yoir ds won’t always be an easy baby. He could be a tantrummkng toddler in 10 months.

I'd take the offer of the same amount of time child free and have it the morning of the football day. Use it wisely!

Longer term, can you trim down the teacher stuff? (fellow teacher, I know how bad it can be, especially if you've been a young child free person, then return to work). Set those boundaries around your time now. If it's not done, it's not done. No one will die.

Yes to this.

You need to start a conversation about equal sharing of parenting ahead of your return to work. I think that would be more productive for you than focusing on free time, as it would remind him that you are equally parents, and it would also remind him that you are equally employed and earners while equally parents.

Any argument he puts forth based on income difference, if there is one, might come as a shocking eye opener to you, and you should focus on the principle of equal parenting rather than the nuts and bolts on that one.

Is it possible that there are chores to do, admin tasks to be seen to, grocery lists to make, etc, and the OP isn't spending her Saturday afternoons tickling the baby for five hours?

@sandbun67
You have time together; you live in the same house, you share lives, why the need for Sunday 12-4 is family time? enforced activities ends up breeding resentment.
Go with the flow, he shouldn't need permission to go to a match.

This is an excellent suggestion.
My friend had this with her husband and golf. He felt it was reasonable to play on Sunday mornings taking 6 hours.
She promptly arranged for tennis and brunch on Saturday mornings. He lasted a month, was so grumpy and thought SHE was unreasonable. He was put straight VERY sharply. They don't get it until they live it.

OP you’ll be fine, we have the same situation in my house but in reverse - I’m the one with the season ticket who goes to the football every other weekend (ish) and DH regularly picks up a few hours overtime on a Sunday. You’ll get into your routine and find time for family time on evenings, Saturday mornings, closed season/season breaks, any free time etc.

If it’s a ‘big’ local team where he’s paying hundreds of pounds or more for a season ticket then I would assume he’s already paid for or started paying for the next one, so you could always see how things go this season and if it really isn’t working then have the discussion before next renewal about going sporadically from next year.

Agree. I don't understand about family time. We never had family time. What do you want to do with this family time you already spend time together when you are at home.

He goes out 1 out of 3 Saturdays and you can’t find time for family time?

Also needing help for that 1 Saturday with 1 child? Do you have some underlying health conditions or are suffering with your mental health? Because I can’t fathom how a mother can’t cope alone with a 9 month old for a few hours.

I'd try to do work on an evening and dh does bedtime. That way you get a two day break from work. Then ensure you get a few hours to your either Saturday morning or on Sunday. - go gym, see friends, have lay in etc.

Then try to have a bit of family time where you can.

For me it's not so much about everyone having equal amounts of free time alone / time off from kids and work etc. I wouldn't like this set up much but my reason for that would be that since I work full time, I give my children me at the weekend in full. I do other stuff after they've gone to bed. My husband is the same as me and it currently works for us.

I wonder if that's what you don't like about it op- the idea that your baby has yet another day of not seeing a parent in the week?

Op has quite clearly said she isn't saying it because she needs help with the baby.