DH weekend football games & baby

[sandbun67]

DH goes to the local home football games with his friends on Saturdays and has done for as long as I have known him. They are a really nice group of men - they go, have a few drinks in a nearby pub, see the game and come home. All very innocent and they are out for about 5-6 hours. Always been really happy for him to go, even for the last 9 months when we have had a new baby as I can sometimes get someone to come and help me and I also feel quite well rested (baby is a great sleeper) so I'm happy to do the day alone if I need to. DH is also a very involved dad and supports me a lot so I'm happy for him to take the time to continue doing something he really enjoys.

However, I recently mentioned to DH that I wasn't sure about him going to every single game when I'm back working FT as a teacher in September. I thought this was quite reasonable but he thinks I'm being really unfair and I can't decide who is being unreasonable. My reasoning to him was as follows:

• The working week is exhausting. Pre baby I usually had to work one day at the weekend just to keep on top of everything and I can only see this getting worse as I will need to leave work earlier to pick up from nursery. I would usually do my work on a Sunday meaning that Saturday is my only 'free' day of the week. If DH goes to a football match and leaves me to solo parent on this free day, I effectively won't get a day off all week. Yes I can get someone to come and help me but this isn't necessarily how I would want to spend this free day - I'd like to spend it with him and our DD!
• The football games take place roughly 1/3 of my working weekends (I'm happy for him to go on the weekends of school holidays when I will have been off in the week). So effectively one third of all my working weekends I have already been signed up to not really getting a break/time as a family.
• When do we get family time? DH has suggested on other weekends I can do something for myself and he'll look after DD so it balances out, but if I match him on this then we will hardly ever get family time the 3 of us.

For clarity, I didn't say that I didn't want him to go, just that maybe he could reduce the amount he goes but he thinks that the number of games in a year is reasonable.

Genuinely unsure who is being unreasonable here as I sort of feel backed into a corner and I feel that it has just been assumed I will agree to this.

Thank you. I was beginning to think I was going mad with people suggesting family time isn't important?! I don't mean grand days out, just quality time, chilling, chatting and playing with the baby together and not just existing alongside each other while we get through the working week. It's time vs quality time. So I think this hits the nail on the head - the working week can be busy and go like a flash, it feels like the weekends will be the only time DD gets the full attention of her parents.

Are you going back full time OP? if not, can you put baby in childcare an extra day/half day in the week and do your extra work then rather than the weekend? (Free hours for 9
month olds are coming in soon if they haven’t already so your bill will still be less than it would have been even with an extra day…)

Also, I found I gave a lot less of a shit going back to teaching after having a baby. I worked a lot fewer hours outside of my paid hours. I don’t go above and beyond anymore. I get through the week and go home!

This is quite rude. I'm on maternity leave and I look after my baby by myself everyday. Of course I can cope. But it's hard and I don't think there is any shame in that, or any shame in accepting help when it is offered. I'm not a martyr.

I think whoever said DH should pick up baby from nursery a couple of evenings a week had a good point. Then you finish your work on Saturday morning.

The point I think I was trying to make is that quality time can happen in the week too! My and DP both work full time, with young children, and honestly putting the phone down and just embracing those few hours between nursery and bed is lovely. They’ve eaten at nursery, we wait until they’re asleep and for those few undisturbed hours we play or read books and do bedtime, and it’s honestly quite lovely. Appreciate depending on nursery finish time and bedtime it might not be as feasible for everyone but it means that by the weekend I don’t feel like I haven’t spent any time with them or that we all need to be together all weekend. I also tend to push bedtime back a bit now I’m back at work, my oldest has always been very low sleep need and my youngest naps wonderfully at nursery so if they stay up an hour later they’re ok the next day!

I agree this can work really well.
My DH and I don't tend to have picked the children both up from nursery and school until nearer to 5.30, they love a 7.30 bedtime and my eldest has 3 clubs midweek too- so week time isn't really quality time, it's more holding your breath until Saturday! But I agree that you shouldn't just have all your eggs in a weekend basket.
It's easier to have that quality time when the weather is nicer too- we like to do a late playground trip or a cycle round the block etc before bed.

Thank you - this sounds like a great idea and I'd love to make this happen in the week to take the pressure off the weekend. Good to hear some positive stories like this before returning to work!

Sometimes it’s quality more than quantity! It might take a little while to get into a routine that works for you, but just remember not to right off the little moments each day and you’ll be fine!

How kind and compassionate.

Everyones different. First babies can be a shock to the system. I struggled with my first at 9 months even though he was easy.

Stop being spiteful.

If his day out is more like every other weekend, then you do something for the same amount of time every other weekend too. Make sundays family days. Have expectations that he will in fact plan and parent on his Saturday, not just plonk the baby next to him while he watches football on tv.

There are a few midweek games, perhaps he could miss these? Also if he is a season ticket holder, the club may be able to re-sell his seat for any game he misses so you are not out of pocket.

How about husband sorts out evenings so you can do extra work then leaving both Saturday and Sunday free? You can then both get time to yourselves when you want and spend time together?

Tapping out now but a genuine thanks to everyone who has made helpful suggestions - given me a lot to think about and discuss with DH xx

Time to lower your standards at work and I say that as a teacher of 15+ years. You absolutely can fit your work load into the week if you have to. Teacher workload can always expand to every waking moment if you let it. Are you secondary or primary? I'm secondary and think it's easier to cut back the hours and still do a good job. In fact in many respects you do a much better job when you are rested and happy.

You now have a family so working at the weekend is a no go.

DH should have the baby single handed on Sat, from baby waking until he goes out and for some time after he gets back (whatever equals 5-6 hours) you get to read, sleep, pamper in that time. Therefore on a Sat you both get 5-6 hours 'me time' and then have family time on Sunday. This should be Sacrosanct.

Is it possible that there are chores to do, admin tasks to be seen to, grocery lists to make, etc, and the OP isn't spending her Saturday afternoons tickling the baby for five hours?

Is it possible that they can be done whilst looking after a baby?

As a single mother with no help these comments are humorous.

Get a cleaner

Also. I’m a teacher. Never ever ever work at weekends.

lower your standards

The phrase family time makes me heave

hes got Saturday afternoon free

find yourself a couple of nights out it at the gym in the week.
Cleaner
don’t work at home

@mathanxiety

Why do you need someone to come and help you? What exactly with?

The idea of two adults playing with a baby just sounds forced

think you have a romantic idea of life with a baby.

once you have toddlers or kids at school yes of course you’re busy doing stuff with them, but for efficiencies sake, why not one do something with the baby and the other one achieves something

What a weird mindset! It's their child, are they meant to always take it in turns ?
Also baby will be almost a toddler if it's after maternity leave.

I think it's fair on the baby to have as much time with parents as possible, since they both work full time.

You can scatter family time over the week, particularly around weeknight dinners or morning routines. My favourite time with my dh and dd is pre nursery, doing her hair, watching an episode of topsy and tim, playing with the lego, brushing our teeth as a family, waving them off.

As pp's have said - you may well need to get dh to do some pick ups in the evening so you can stay later at school. Using a weekend day for work is not practical with a small child. Most nurseries are open until 6, can baby not be picked up then?

She's not a single mother though. And it's not a race to the bottom.

I'm guessing she likes company. She's home all day with the baby, which can be a lonely experience, and her H heads off with his mates for a nice big chunk of a weekend day. It's nice to have another grown up to chat with. Her H seems to think so too - a pity he chooses his mates over his wife for that.