DH weekend football games & baby

[sandbun67]

DH goes to the local home football games with his friends on Saturdays and has done for as long as I have known him. They are a really nice group of men - they go, have a few drinks in a nearby pub, see the game and come home. All very innocent and they are out for about 5-6 hours. Always been really happy for him to go, even for the last 9 months when we have had a new baby as I can sometimes get someone to come and help me and I also feel quite well rested (baby is a great sleeper) so I'm happy to do the day alone if I need to. DH is also a very involved dad and supports me a lot so I'm happy for him to take the time to continue doing something he really enjoys.

However, I recently mentioned to DH that I wasn't sure about him going to every single game when I'm back working FT as a teacher in September. I thought this was quite reasonable but he thinks I'm being really unfair and I can't decide who is being unreasonable. My reasoning to him was as follows:

• The working week is exhausting. Pre baby I usually had to work one day at the weekend just to keep on top of everything and I can only see this getting worse as I will need to leave work earlier to pick up from nursery. I would usually do my work on a Sunday meaning that Saturday is my only 'free' day of the week. If DH goes to a football match and leaves me to solo parent on this free day, I effectively won't get a day off all week. Yes I can get someone to come and help me but this isn't necessarily how I would want to spend this free day - I'd like to spend it with him and our DD!
• The football games take place roughly 1/3 of my working weekends (I'm happy for him to go on the weekends of school holidays when I will have been off in the week). So effectively one third of all my working weekends I have already been signed up to not really getting a break/time as a family.
• When do we get family time? DH has suggested on other weekends I can do something for myself and he'll look after DD so it balances out, but if I match him on this then we will hardly ever get family time the 3 of us.

For clarity, I didn't say that I didn't want him to go, just that maybe he could reduce the amount he goes but he thinks that the number of games in a year is reasonable.

Genuinely unsure who is being unreasonable here as I sort of feel backed into a corner and I feel that it has just been assumed I will agree to this.

I'm back working FT as a teacher in September. I thought this was quite reasonable but he thinks I'm being really unfair and I can't decide who is being unreasonable

If you can't decide who is being unreasonable, he's gaslighting you. You have had a baby TOGETHER, you work as a teacher - good on you! - and he expects his life not to change..... He's an idiot. Sorry.

Does he give you time off to do what you want one day in the week to decompresses?

When does he solo with the baby?

I agree with this. I know lots of teachers, and while they all do a bit of extra work in the evenings / weekends, none of them spend the whole day working on Sunday. That may have worked well for you before you had the baby but now you need to re-think. Cut down your prep time as much as you can, and think about when to do it so that it doesn't take up a whole day at the weekend.

If it's a local team so not massively crowded he can take the baby with him,say, every second week.

The problem with you getting equal time is that. He'll do his 1/3rd of the weekends. Then it will be your turn to have every Saturday to yourself for 1/3rd of the year. 1) you will start using your time as family time, chore time, work time. 2) it will wear thin for him during that time, he'll concede its not fair, you'll stop. Football season will start up again and it'll be "different" and not fair that he can't go. And he'll get his weekends again.

Your Saturday is considered your working day. You work 6 days a week. That is your working day. If you were contracted and working out of home it would he none negotiable. He takes the baby with him or arranges childcare. His choice. You work that day. Then Sunday is both of yours days off and that is spent as family time

I agree. I actually refused to consider TTC until my husband left his long hours culture workplace and got a job that fit with family life. In fact, that came as an ultimatum during a holiday abroad where he worked a 40h week.

5h every third weekend should be achievable for you both as hobby/social time outside of the family.

She's not a single mother though. And it's not a race to the bottom.

Correct, because if it was a race to the bottom, this'd finish last.
I'll ask again, is it possible one can look after a baby as well as living, doing normal daily tasks?

If someone is doing all the daily tasks do you spend the entire Saturday tickling your baby or is it set times only?

@mathanxiety

Um we already do this! Nothing forced or romantised about it. What's wrong with two parents playing with their baby?!

Ignore the gamily time/motion experts who want the baby to be out of sight while the other parent “Achieves something.”

not out of sight