Who is BU, me or DH?

[Saramiah]

DH: I’m going to take DC to my parents house for 10am and help my dad with DIY, my brother and his wife are coming with their DC also at 10am, you can pop to the shop (because he’d forgotten to buy them an anniversary present) then join us for dinner at 2pm.

DH at 12.30pm: Where are you?

Me: You told me 2pm?

DH: Yes but it’s rude of you just to turn up for dinner, you should come earlier to socialise and be polite!

Now he’s annoyed with me.

I know I’m autistic, but when he says come for dinner at 2pm, that means come at 2pm, doesn’t it? It doesn’t mean “come at 12pm to socialise politely before we have dinner at 2pm”?

You should reply “I’m buying the gift you forgot to buy” then turn up at 2.

YANBU. And you should have told him to buy the present, they’re his parents.

This!

I told him that! He’s just like “well I know I said 2pm but I thought you’d make the effort to come early”.

To be fair I’ve been back from the shop since 12pm so I could have come earlier. But he said 2pm!

@Saramiah send him back to school to learn his numbers!!!

Why is he telling you what to do? "You can go to the shop", "you should come earlier". Erm no you can fuck off would be my response!

According to him, any “normal” person (ie not autistic) would know that “come at 2pm” really means “come at 1pm to be polite and socialise before we have dinner at 2pm”. Is that true?

No it is not true! NT here and I would be there for 2.

I'd probably turn up by quarter to, but no, I'd interpret it much as you did.

On the other hand, I have two autistic children, so my bar may be off.

Your mission, as defined by him, was to get the gift and bring it to his parents' house in time to join them for lunch at 2. You could have gone earlier, and I wouldn't have waited until exactly 2 to arrive, but arriving at say 1.30 or 1.45 would have been absolutely fine. He was unreasonable to hassle you at 12.30, and also unreasonable to call you "rude" - all he had to do was tell his parents (truthfully) that you were running some errands and would be there in time for lunch. If they consider that rude then that's their problem.

No he said 2.. so I would aim to be there at 2

any earlier isn’t fair on the hosts who might not be ready

I bet he told you 2 and he is wrong and meant/ was told 12 and is now trying to blame you

Right but he knows you're autistic?

you can pop to the shop (because he’d forgotten to buy them an anniversary present) then join us for dinner at 2pm.

How dare he order you around like that. "You can pop to the shop" jeez. Who does he think he is.

Nope I would say that there are two options an open ended do you mind grabbing a present them coming round when ready and remember we sit down fir food at 2 which is saying come round to sicialise

abd what he said which is get there for 2

I am autistic but I would know it’s rude just to turn up when the food is being served so I think YABU

Join us for dinner at 2pm....I would be asking is that join you at 2pm or dinner is being served at 2pm. Then I'd make my own decision on what time I wanted to get there. But I'd be more concerned about why he's telling you what to do.

There's only one rude person here, and it's not you OP!

YANBU

Also, you’re doing him a favour.

I’d turn up at 2pm too!

Him being funny with you because you complied with what he said is OTT.

I don’t think this relates to your autism at all.

He requested/demanded/asked (depending on your view!) you to do two things:

1. Buy the gift
2. Join us for dinner at 2pm

If he wanted something else he should have asked for something else - he can’t expect you to read between the lines. How were you to know how long the DIY was to take? It could have gone on until just before 2pm. He’s being daft and somewhat inconsiderate of the fact that you have done him a favour because he couldn’t be arsed/forgot/faffed about.

My husband is autistic and I don't tell him how a "non-autistic" person would take my instructions and get all stroppy with him. I make sure my instructions are clear.

So I would have said "thanks for going to the shop for me that's really helpful, do you want to go in the morning and then join us all for dinner which will be served at 2 it might be wise to get there for 1:30ish - would that work?"

why did you have to pop to the shop to get the present he had forgotten to buy?

if he told me 2pm that’s the time I’d expect to go too. You’re not in the wrong OP.

NT and I’d have turned up at 2 as he ordered. Is he normally this derogatory about you being ND? Surely he knows that anybody would take his 2pm instruction literally?

I'd be eating my first lunch at 12.30 otherwise I'd be starving at 2

That's because you've learnt that rule. But the DH wasn't clear if dinner was being served at 2 or if OP should be joining them at 2.

I'm not autistic and I'd have arrived at 2pm.

(Well no being honest I'd have told him to get fucked the minute he started ordering me about like The Help, but in the context of your post I'd take what he said to mean "arrive around 2pm")

Oh I would be throwing that gift on the table with a breezy “So, here’s the present DH forgot to get you. Happy Anniversary. He told me to arrive at 2pm. I thought you might also enjoy a lovely bottle of champagne to celebrate the occasion.”