Who is BU, me or DH?

[Saramiah]

DH: I’m going to take DC to my parents house for 10am and help my dad with DIY, my brother and his wife are coming with their DC also at 10am, you can pop to the shop (because he’d forgotten to buy them an anniversary present) then join us for dinner at 2pm.

DH at 12.30pm: Where are you?

Me: You told me 2pm?

DH: Yes but it’s rude of you just to turn up for dinner, you should come earlier to socialise and be polite!

Now he’s annoyed with me.

I know I’m autistic, but when he says come for dinner at 2pm, that means come at 2pm, doesn’t it? It doesn’t mean “come at 12pm to socialise politely before we have dinner at 2pm”?

He did ask nicely if I’d go and pick up the present, because he forgot and he couldn’t do it himself as he had to go over for 10am. I didn’t mind that at all.

Equally I didn’t mind him telling me I could chill after the shop and just join them for dinner at 2pm. I thought fab, a quick run to the shop then I’ve got about 3 hours to myself without DC before I go for dinner.

What pissed me off is when he started whinging that I hadn’t arrived earlier than 2pm. “I said dinner was at 2pm but I thought you’d have come earlier to spend time with people, you’re rude and selfish”. Um no, I was enjoying having a few hours to myself as a reward for fetching the present, which is what we agreed.

With hindsight I think he got annoyed about having to wrangle DC by himself and about 12 ish he started to think “why isn’t she here yet to take the kids off me, there’s no reason why she isn’t here yet, she must be back from the shop by now and selfishly relaxing at home while I’m running around looking after DC”.

I'm not quite sure why it wasn't just pop to shop for the gift then arrive once finished?
I understand the 'dinner will be around 2' just to give an idea for time but I'd probably have gone once I got the gift.

However in saying that, I don't think you are BU as DH knows you and clearly stated come at 2 which I'm sure he must know you would take to literally mean arrive for 2.

If he actually messaged you and said ' any chance of getting here earlier as kids are being hard work ' , instead tried to make you think you were being rude and making you question yourself, and even use your autism against you for it.
I think hes a dick for doing that

Tbf if dinner was at 2pm it is a bit rude to waltz straight in and sit at the table. I would come at 1 or 1.30 for a 2pm dinner.

Yep he had enough wrangling the children!

Then he should have said dinner is served at 2pm, please arrive an hour before.

He wanted you to come earlier after he got there and he couldn’t do the DIY without his parents asking where you were and who would look after the children. His original orders were quite clear: you were invited at 2:00 and not earlier. Earlier activities were fir him and the kids.

No, that is not true.

My reply to

You can pop to the shop!

would be a simple

Oh can I..?

When you arrive, please please make sure you say « Hi, DH asked me to join you for 2pm, I hope I haven’t delayed lunch ».
I have a feeling he meant 2pm when he asked you, but now that he is there he is thinking it would be best if you arrived earlier so is trying to re-write history. He might have told everybody that you are late!

Even supposing he’s right, why wouldn’t he take extra care to communicate properly and let you know what time he’d like you be there?

If he wants you there for socializing at 1, he should say arrive at 1.

saying come at 2 means arrive at 2.

Did he say ‘come for 2pm’ or ‘dinners at 2pm’ because they are very different.

In your OP you said he said ‘join us for dinner at 2pm’. That’s quite ambiguous. Does he mean ‘join us at 2pm’ or ‘join us for a dinner that is at 2pm’. I don’t think either of you are necessarily wrong, you’ve just both interpreted it differently.