Who is BU, me or DH?

[Saramiah]

DH: I’m going to take DC to my parents house for 10am and help my dad with DIY, my brother and his wife are coming with their DC also at 10am, you can pop to the shop (because he’d forgotten to buy them an anniversary present) then join us for dinner at 2pm.

DH at 12.30pm: Where are you?

Me: You told me 2pm?

DH: Yes but it’s rude of you just to turn up for dinner, you should come earlier to socialise and be polite!

Now he’s annoyed with me.

I know I’m autistic, but when he says come for dinner at 2pm, that means come at 2pm, doesn’t it? It doesn’t mean “come at 12pm to socialise politely before we have dinner at 2pm”?

I mean, I’m not autistic and I would never be impolite but if dh asked me to arrive at 2pm I’d arrive at 2pm. I’d have assumed that they were busy doing diy until then and that I’d be in the way.

This is a confusing situation though. Generally if he said that dinner was served at 2pm I’d know to arrive earlier, but the fact that he’s helping out with a task beforehand does complicate matters. I think he should definitely have been more clear about what was happening here. I don’t think that your autism is even a factor with this really, he shouldn’t expect you to read his mind. He should explain what’s bloody happening.

I'm not autistic and if someone told me to come at 2pm, then I'd be arriving at 2pm.

YANBU. The "normal" people comment would piss me right off.

My response would be that you clearly already know that I am not what you call "normal". So if you expected me to be there before 2pm why didn't you say so? Oh and buy your own bloody gifts in future.

I don't like him telling you what to do. It all sounds very formal and silly. My parents wouldn't care what time my partner turned up for dinner and I'm assuming you weren't going to get there at 2pm on the dot. He sounds like a drag.

@Itisjustmyopinion
If some say 'join us for dinner at 2pm' id go for 2pm.

If someone said food will be served at 2pm id go there a bit earlier.

I'm not a mind reader. Join us at 2pm doesn't mean the food will be ready at 2pm to me. It might be ready at 2:30 or 3:00. I was asked to be there at 2:00 it would be weird and rude to turn up earlier than the time I'd been asked to be there at.

I would expect to turn up at least 1/2 hour earlier to a meal so I'm not expecting it to be put in front of me as I sit down

I would not expect to be spoken to the way he's speaking to you

You haven't been rude. Rude is when you keep everyone waiting before dinner can be served. And it is a family dinner, fgs. Unless royalty has been invited ...

I'd have thought that as long as I was there by 2pm, that was fine. No fucking way I'd be being sent out for an anniversary gift and then accept being moaned at for being late though! If he didn't apologise for being a dick, I'd order a McDonald's, watch a film and ignore the phone.

If I was autistic and he said that to me, he could fuck off!

This is my take too. Based on the wording I'd assume dinner was being served a bit later than 2pm anyway. It would feel rude to turn up much earlier than the time stated.

Essentially your DH needs to just accept that it was a miscommunication. It's really not a big deal. Getting pissy with someone because "you should have just known" is not on. He should have been clearer.

Id say "dont you turn this round to be on me, when youre the one who cant say what they actually mean. Im not a fucking mind-reader. Ive been buying the gift that you forgot to get, and i was planning to arrive at the time you said"

This!!

I probably would of got there for quarter too to say hello and small talk before dinner but that's it. I would of been happy at the thought of having some peace and quite while the DC we're out and I would not have rushed round at all.

I mean I am autistic but if I am given a time I assume it's happening at the time given.

He sounds really rude. And I hate it when people try to use me being autistic as a excuse for their shitty behaviour

But 90 minutes early? I'd get there about 130

I can see what he means, he could have been clearer but if my husband had told me everyone else was going to be there from 10am and that dinner would be ready at 2pm I’d have just gone round when I’d got the shopping & got sorted.

I didnt say 90 mins early?

In our family Sunday lunch is served at 1, and therefore “Come for lunch at 1pm” would mean we were sitting down to eat at 1, get there a bit earlier. Maybe he assumed you would infer the same sort of thing? Either way, you know for future occasions to check what time you’re actually eating if he doesn’t make it clear.

So he tells you what to do and when to do it, sends you to do errands he can't be arsed to do himself, and is a disgusting ableist fuck who shames his autistic wife for being autistic.

Has he a solid gold cock, a Coutt's account and the cooking skills of Michel Roux Junior? Because if not, I'm struggling to see what's in it for you.

I'm not autistic but if I was told to be somewhere by 2pm, I'd be there at 1.50pm

I am NT with good social skills etc.

if he said - ‘lunch is at 2pm’ I’d arrive some time between 1 and 1:30 because I think it is rude to literally turn up as the food is being served.

if he said ‘turn up at 2pm’ I’d turn up at 2pm.

either way I would f expect him to be having a go at me, especially when I’m bailing his lazy arse out.

I'm NT and I'd have turned up at 2pm. I read that as he will be doing diy until dinner time anyway.

I would have clarified whether I was to arrive at 2 or if dinner was being served at 2.

But I am not autistic. I do have an autistic son and I can categorically state that he would have latched on to "2 p.m." and that would be the time he would be working towards, unless specifically told otherwise.

@Jamieie her dh rang her annoyed 90 minutes before she was supposed to arrive

Yeah but I didn't agree with that, I just said earlier than 2. Like 1:30

I am not on the ASD spectrum and I wouldn't "know" that 2 pm really meant 1pm or 12.30. He could have said can you come over at 1pm and we're eating at 2 pm.