Who is BU, me or DH?

[Saramiah]

DH: I’m going to take DC to my parents house for 10am and help my dad with DIY, my brother and his wife are coming with their DC also at 10am, you can pop to the shop (because he’d forgotten to buy them an anniversary present) then join us for dinner at 2pm.

DH at 12.30pm: Where are you?

Me: You told me 2pm?

DH: Yes but it’s rude of you just to turn up for dinner, you should come earlier to socialise and be polite!

Now he’s annoyed with me.

I know I’m autistic, but when he says come for dinner at 2pm, that means come at 2pm, doesn’t it? It doesn’t mean “come at 12pm to socialise politely before we have dinner at 2pm”?

Don't throw it!

NT.

If I was told to arrive at 2 I'd arrive at 2.

When I invite people I say food at x o clock arrive from y o clock

I'm autistic and agree that generally you would turn up earlier BUT he specifically told her to arrive at 2, so it's him at fault.

I'd aim for about 1;50 for sitting down at 2 - time to take coat off, go to the loo and whatever

If he wants you there earlier then he should just say so because even NT people don't have a brain to brain connection that helps them understand each other without accurate words

'you can go to the shop' can I now? To buy a gift for your family?
'you should be a mind reader and turn up and hour early' ok then sunshine.
Any 'normal' person would buy his own gifts, tell people the actual time to turn up, and stop bossing their wife about!

He did ask me nicely if, instead of going with him and DC at 10am, I’d pop to the shop for the gift he forgot and come for dinner at 2pm. I was happy to do that.

The problem is he’s now whinging that I didn’t come earlier than 2pm. Which I don’t think is reasonable since he said 2pm and even texted me it in black and white.

I could have gone earlier. I’ve been back from the shop for ages. But I didn’t because he said 2pm. If he’d said “please grab the gift and come for 1pm to socialise before dinner at 2pm” then I’d have happily done that. But that’s not what he said.

The argument is that he thinks I should “know” that when you’re invited for 2pm you don’t calculate your departure time to arrive at 2pm on the dot, you just come whenever you’re ready. Which really isn’t how my mind works!

Yup. If he's going to order her around he needs to take responsibility for the clarity of his instructions

If dinner is 2 then you'd arrive before this. It depends how he worded it.

I took it as come from 10 then go to the shop

I think it would depend on his intonation. Imagine if his instructions were written down. Would it say-
"Join us for dinner, at 2PM" Or
" Join us, for dinner for 2PM."

If dinner is at 2pm then I'd arrive before that. It is rude to arrive literally as dinner is being served. I'd arrive for 1.30ish.

No it's not how mine works and I don't have a ND diagnosis. He said 2pm. You arrived for 2pm. You had no way of telling if food was on the table at 2 or if you'd be hanging around at 2pm for a bit waiting for food. Given its rude to turn up early and often people even suggest turning up 5 minutes late it's a minefield so he needed to be clear. He is now in a huff about it the next day? Bonkers. Is this coming from him? Or has his family complained? At the end of the day why does this matter so much to him?

I am not autistic (to my knowledge, never been assessed) but if I was told to meet at 2, then the earliest I'd be there was 1.45

Also, I'd have told him to sort the gift out himself. But that's just me.

He's undermining you and being disingenuous. If I'm invited for 2, I turn up at 2.
Is he always an arse?

Yes. If he said “join us for dinner at 2pm”, I read that as “join us at 2pm, we will be having dinner”.
If he said “after you bought the present, come round to my parents, we will be eating at 2pm” then I’d arrive earlier before the time of eating, as the 2pm would have referred only to the eating time, not when I was expected to join them.

But you’re not “normal” and he knows it so he should have been clearer! Any normal , loving husband would have been clearer. If someone is deaf, you face them so they can lip read. This is exactly the same!

this is exactly how I would have interpreted it. Why the fuck do these NTs blame us for their shitty communication?

I am also autistic and if someone tells me to join them for a meal at 2pm I will join them for a meal at 2pm. If they told me to come when I like and food will be dished up at 2pm I would arrive before so not to be rude.

Did he actually use the word "normal"?

I'm NT and would go for 2pm. If he'd said "come for lunch at 2pm," I'd maybe show up 1.45 or so as I'd think 2pm was lunch.

If I was telling my ASD DD to come, I'd say what I mean.

No....2pm is when I'd arrive too but wouldn't expect food till 2.30 or later.

That is definitely a him problem. Is he on the spectrum too as my dad was like that, expected other people to know what was going on in his head as to him it was obvious! He was clear with his instructions and you followed them, how is his poor communication your fault? My father was also a narcissist with absolutely no ability to empathise, I hope that he doesn't have in common with your husband.

Inform DH that any normal person would say what the meant and not expect the other person to be a bloody mind reader.

Normal people also adjust their speech so it can be understood by the recipient. E.g. I had a friend who was always late for everything so her arrival time was an hour before the more timely.

If I told a person to join me for dinner at 2 and they rocked up at 12.30 I would probably wonder if they are NOT NT because it would be a very strange behaviour.
Your husband is an idiot and you interpreting 2pm as 2pm has nothing to do with you being ND.

Are autistic people not normal? I've never considered my child not normal because of his autism.

If he had told me 2pm. I'd have probably turned up at about 1.55pm.

An hour earlier would have seemed rude.

He doesn't sound very nice, bossily sending you off to do wifework and then moaning that you're not a mind reader.