DH demanding my full attention all the time

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DH has this developed a thing where he always demands I give him my full attention and it’s driving me nuts.

This mainly happens when he’s doing jobs around the house. He’s got a very practical approach and he’s good at DIY. We have a doer upper and he’s doing a lot of the work which is obviously great. However he insists on explaining every little bit of detail to me and often I’m not really interested or I don’t understand what he’s saying as my mind doesn’t work the same way. We also have 2 DC, one of whom is a newborn, and I just often don’t have time.

Example; I’m in the bedroom trying to grab nappies etc quickly to get back to screaming newborn and toddler. DH starts telling me in detail about the job he’s doing in the ensuite. I’m trying to get everything together and pick up some clothes for the wash basket at the same time but he keeps pausing his explanation until I’ve stopped what I’m doing to give my full attention. If I don’t he implies I’m ungrateful/stupid/not appreciative. I am, it’s just I’m trying to do something else!

AIBU about this? By his own admission there are plenty of times I’ve told him something and he has forgotten because he wasn’t listening or he deemed the information not important (his words!). I don’t see why this is any different.

Wants his ego massaging. How would he feel if u did the same?

I would say ‘Sweetheart, I haven’t the remotest interest in what you’re saying. Either just do it, or phone someone and tell them about it. I’m busy.’

Should say if I tell him I don’t have time he gets angry that I’m ‘not invested in the house’ and it causes a bigger argument. Hence why I’m not sure if I’m being unreasonable.

I'm on the fence. YANBU to be busy and not interested. But when I'm doing a diy job in the house it does help to talk it through for a second opinion, and I also like to feel appreciated for doing it. If I'm stuck in the en suite by myself for hours grouting, it is nice if someone remembers I'm there and keeps me company for a bit. Nobody likes being taken for granted. But then I do that for dp too, so my view depends on how your dh responds when you want to talk about something that's important to you.

I’d start giving him chapter and verse of the contents of the latest nappy. When he says not interested, you can say that’s how I feel about DIY

Nailed it.

Tell you are bloody busy with HIS children, one of them being a newborn!

If he wants to give you a run down of what he has managed in the day he needs to wait until the right time ie, when the babies are asleep.
He has some fucking ego to get angry you aren't fawning over his DIY when there's a baby screaming.

What a knob.

Either start doing the same or stop what you're doing, listen intently then when he's done, give him a round of applause.

And ask him why he thinks he's doing any of this for you as though it's your job and he's doing you a favour. Does he not live in the house too?

And ask him if he is seriously suggesting you ignore a screaming newborn in their shit filled nappy so you can praise him because if so, you're a bit worried what that says about how unimportant he believes his infant's needs are.

Or just buy him a trophy and tell him to stop being a twat.

Get him a medal and be done with it. This must be so tedious.

I agree with the others.

However only you know if a confrontation is the right way to handle this.

I think he is bang out of order but I also think the problem you are having arises out if his stupid/misogynistic/cultural belief that his DIY is valuable “work” while the children’s needs and your female labour is coded as your hobby/solely for your benefit/not valuable.

No discussion or rebuttal that doesn’t address this underlying mismatch is goong to have an effect. So think first about what jind of person your dh is? Does he have a good sense of humour? Can he laugh at himself? Can he learn anything new, or anything from you? Because if not your confronting him or even joking with him will just harden his resentment and egotism.

My husband is similar to this! I was just complaining to my friend that he just doesn't know when to shut up. I feel like he traps me in the kitchen to talk about Palestine or the election, or football whatever, and I can say "oh yes I agree" or "I know it's a real shame" like 100 times while I'm literally balancing a pile of laundry in my hands and stuff to take upstairs to iron and put away. He just doesn't notice I'm right in the middle of something 🤷

I do laugh though, and love him for it because we're both chatty types and can talk about everything and anything for ages in bed when we're supposed to be getting to sleep.

Seeing as you have a newborn, you're totally at your limit with energy right now and he should be more sensitive. I'd just make some reassuring sounds like "oh whatever you think is best you're doing amazingly my darling thank you" then run off 😂

@Circumferences if I make those responses I get in more trouble for not listening properly! When he starts explaining very technical things my mind just goes blank tbh I don’t think in that way at all.

I came in to say what Notsorry said. When he pauses to get your full attention, say to him "the baby is screaming, I need to change her nappy, I'm just picking up a clean one along with these other things I'll need to change the nappy. This stuff needs washing, I'm picking it up too so I can put it in the laundry basket on my way past" and then walk out of the room.

There is quite the implication here that he is working very hard while you're doing nothing. And I don't like it!

And if you're clever, you could preempt him by giving him your running commentary as you walk into the room, then walk out before he gets a word in edgeways. In fact you should do this at all times, even if he isn't very busy doing DIY. And if you can, inform him that he's not invested in these children/this baby!!!

Be straight with the moron “ I would like to listen, but unless you want the toddler to destroy the front room and the baby covered in her own poo, you’ll have to grab me later”. Be direct and keep doing this - he soon stop !

buy a sheet of gold star stickers... and award him one during every task... I don't like man bashing but why do men need praise for jobs that are normal everyday things...

My ex was like this, constant attention seeking-did my head in.
Life was so bloody hard.
Looking back, his constant need for attention was narcissistic.
Though he was the type that meant no harm, it was still draining.
Worst thing this was him at his best.

Pain in the ass. Life is so much easier without him.
Every little thing was a drama.

I think as part of a healthy marriage it is sometimes necessary to listen to things that you aren't really interested in. What is concerning here is his reaction when he doesn't get the attention he thinks he should, and his complete lack of awareness of your commitments. There is no excuse for name calling, and no conversation is more important than a baby that's mid nappy change.

He sounds like an annoying little attention seeker who wants your time and is competing with the kids. Maybe try schedule some time in the evenings where you talk about projects over a glass of wine and he can get his pat on the back and gold star like a child. I would broach it as, I'm busy right now, let's shedule time tonight where I can really appreciate the great work you are doing. (throw up)

It would make me feel ill to deal with a man child in this manner and not just have a direct conversation but if he's pathetic and gets angry maybe this is the best way.

Christ why does everyone on mumsnet have these appalling husbands.
No wonder the divorce rates are so bigh.

He sounds very boring.

My dh does this but constantly asks me to pass him tools - way too important to get them himself.
So, because l am petty, l wait until l am cooking dinner and call him into the kitchen so he can pass me a saucepan/spatula/tongs, whatever. Proves my point for about 30 seconds!

This but don't say 'that's how I feel about diy' instead try 'why aren't you interested in our children?'

“DH if you want my opinion on the bathroom tap the time to ask me is BEFORE you’ve started, preferably when we are both sitting down, and NOT while I am in the middle of changing a nappy you fuckwit”

Retaliate with detailed explanations of what you're doing, and demand that he stop and listen. If he won't, point out that, according to him, that must mean he's not invested in your children, or the house that you're cleaning or whatever. Then have a conversation about how each of you can just get on with your respective jobs and be fully invested without dropping everything to listen to detailed accounts from each other.

I wouldn't find this attractive.
If he tries to fight you for 'not caring' about the property, just say 'ok.' and walk away. Arguing only happens when two people indulge in it.