DH demanding my full attention all the time

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DH has this developed a thing where he always demands I give him my full attention and it’s driving me nuts.

This mainly happens when he’s doing jobs around the house. He’s got a very practical approach and he’s good at DIY. We have a doer upper and he’s doing a lot of the work which is obviously great. However he insists on explaining every little bit of detail to me and often I’m not really interested or I don’t understand what he’s saying as my mind doesn’t work the same way. We also have 2 DC, one of whom is a newborn, and I just often don’t have time.

Example; I’m in the bedroom trying to grab nappies etc quickly to get back to screaming newborn and toddler. DH starts telling me in detail about the job he’s doing in the ensuite. I’m trying to get everything together and pick up some clothes for the wash basket at the same time but he keeps pausing his explanation until I’ve stopped what I’m doing to give my full attention. If I don’t he implies I’m ungrateful/stupid/not appreciative. I am, it’s just I’m trying to do something else!

AIBU about this? By his own admission there are plenty of times I’ve told him something and he has forgotten because he wasn’t listening or he deemed the information not important (his words!). I don’t see why this is any different.

Tell him to change the baby’s arse and you’ll listen intently.

So what happens if you "get in more trouble"? You make your relationship sound like a master/servant one, which is really unhealthy.

My husband is a bit like this, he likes to explain what he's doing as it helps his process. Although he's a lot less nasty than yours, I can just say "babe I love you but I really am not interested in the ins and outs of cutting the perfect dovetail joint" and he'll laugh and crack on. He'd never call me stupid or ungrateful because he understands that his DIY lectures are interesting only to him.

I think for your husband it may partially be his process but a lot more of it is ego. He wants you to stare at him in sparkly eyed wonder as he performs his Man Tasks (while showing little to no interest in your Woman Duties). I don't know what the solution is because I'd have read him the riot act the first time he called me stupid.

Maybe as a PP suggested just flatly detail the contents of each nappy, every load of laundry, every single thing you do to drill the point home that a running commentary is not necessary.

DH demanding my full attention all the time

It's not 'all the time' is it?

Your title will gain you a large degree of confirmation bias in responses. As will writing an inflammatory title and posting in AIBU. Maybe that's what you are hoping yo get from this thread? In which case, knock yourself out with the sea if agreement. Itll do no harm.

I'll add my thoughts though. Giving someone full attention when they are speaking to you is what should be socially expected. This isnt 'all the time', but should be all (or at least most) of the time they are speaking. If that's not possible on the odd occasion, then point out why. If someone regularly doesn't pay attention when you speak though - there is something wrong. That's a society though tho - people scroll on phones while having a conversation, or do other things instead of pausing, or are in other ways not engaging in the moment. I blame social media.

This

She's not scrolling on SM though, she's changing nappies and looking after the kids.

My DH will start talking to me about nothing in particular when I’m clearly in the middle of something even if that is just something I’m doing on my phone and then get funny if I don’t hear him or immediately drop what I’m doing to discuss whatever pointless thing he’s talking about. Men are annoying! 😂

Your response needs to be “I can’t focus right now, kids are screaming, can you sort out DC1 while I feed the baby, sort me something to drink and then we can chat while I’m feeding. “
Every time.

This is a tough one- is he like this about other things or just this issue? If he's like this all the time, then he needs to get a bit of a grip. But he's doing a big project and he possibly just wants to feel 'heard' (in the same way we all do). I don't think confrontation or passive aggressiveness is the way out (i.e., giving him long details about nappy changes). But speaking to him and letting him know that you've noticed him doing this, and asking if it's because he needs to let off steam about the project, or possibly because he's worried you think he isn't working hard enough on it.

I'd also give him your boundaries about it- you're happy to listen, but he needs to be realistic that your role can't stop just to hear about his.

This. Have you tried this, OP?

He’s basically saying what he does is more important, don’t let him get away with it.

I’ll be on my phone reading something, it could be something important to do with work or then house, but it also could just be something on SM. If it’s something on SM I’m happy to stop and talk to DH but I might not hear him if he just strikes up a conversation while I’m engrossed in something. It’s rarely anything important and if he wants me he need to get my attention first. I’m not going to sit around with bated breath waiting to see if he will speak so I can hear him immediately!

Agreed. I don't get why they married them in the first place or if they get worse after having kids. I always tell my husband whenever I read mumsnet his stock goes up even more and it's pretty darn high already.

My DP has a habit of this. I say something like “Wow, that’s fascinating! Please, do tell me more..” and he gets the hint.

Tell him you’d rather pay someone to do it, purely to avoid his DIY monologues.

I would be seriously reconsidering a relationship where my husband gets angry, gives me into trouble, and implies I'm ungrateful or stupid. Especially when I'm looking after a toddler and a newborn.

Say " but I am invested in all the OTHER aspects of our life......like our children🙄 the washing, the cooking, the cleaning. You're doing you stuff I'm doing me stuff - it's all valid stuff " - or whatever version of that is appropriate.

Definitely this!

My DP has OCD. 1 part of his OCD is having to get out what is on his mind. Dp is a SAHD and also does all the DIY over the weekends. I work full time.
I have set rules for him to 'waffle' on.
If I am workjng he is not to talk numbers or measurements as I work with numbers, calculations etc. I can't process his numbers too.
I also tell him when I am not working I am playing with kids, cleaning and doing housework, so he needs to follow me around the house talking to me about his ideas. It is my house too so I do want to hear his next project but listening to 'building this' using this type of wood blah blah, bores me so although he can talk it doesn't mean I understand or in fact care. I trust DP to do an amazing job so I don't need to know the ins and outs.
However he needs to talk, so he can come to me but understand that my full attention will not be on his words.
If DP ever made me feel like 'I would get in trouble' there would be no more DP in my home!

Bring the baby and changing mat to the en-suite doorway so that the sound of the screaming hides what he's saying, then do a commentary on it for his benefit

I wonder if he wants you to thank him constantly and praise him?

I'd list the 4000 jobs you've done that day back at him!

Try returning the favour I'm just about to change xs shitty nappy so need the Chang Ng mat, cream wipes etc. . I'm cooking dinner must make sure I pre heat oven , advantages of extra virgin oil etc....or just say FFS can't you hear baby crying for the feed and x needing help with their activity or are you not invested in their care?

This response absolutely nails it. Get him to pitch in and give you the peace to focus and then you'll listen! It's a nice non- confrontational way of approaching this

No one comes to the kitchen and keeps me company when I'm cooking every single day.

Exactly. Why is what he does worthy of awe but not what OP does?

And boring having to listen to the ins and outs of a DIY job being done.
I worked with someone who did the same, you have my sympathy.its spirit crushingly boring.