DH demanding my full attention all the time

[anorakblack]

DH has this developed a thing where he always demands I give him my full attention and it’s driving me nuts.

This mainly happens when he’s doing jobs around the house. He’s got a very practical approach and he’s good at DIY. We have a doer upper and he’s doing a lot of the work which is obviously great. However he insists on explaining every little bit of detail to me and often I’m not really interested or I don’t understand what he’s saying as my mind doesn’t work the same way. We also have 2 DC, one of whom is a newborn, and I just often don’t have time.

Example; I’m in the bedroom trying to grab nappies etc quickly to get back to screaming newborn and toddler. DH starts telling me in detail about the job he’s doing in the ensuite. I’m trying to get everything together and pick up some clothes for the wash basket at the same time but he keeps pausing his explanation until I’ve stopped what I’m doing to give my full attention. If I don’t he implies I’m ungrateful/stupid/not appreciative. I am, it’s just I’m trying to do something else!

AIBU about this? By his own admission there are plenty of times I’ve told him something and he has forgotten because he wasn’t listening or he deemed the information not important (his words!). I don’t see why this is any different.

I wouldn't say that, if he's that good at jobs at family home.
I would just pretend interest while doing/thinking my own stuff.
I appreciate it's not for everyone, however,
I have been doing this 20+ years and it does fade away!

Whoa

You get in trouble? WTAF

You're not his employee

How would he react if you said

can you hold that thought, Im just going to change the babys nappy and I can come back after that if you want to talk through something.

Wow - are you this patronising in real life?!

The OP is trying to juggle household chores, a newborn baby and a toddler whilst her husband repeatedly insists that she stop what she’s doing and give him her complete, undivided attention as he describes in detail a job he’s supposed to be doing. And if she doesn’t, she ‘gets in trouble’.

Yep, social media is obviously the root of the problem here 🙄

OP, if he’s consulting you for an opinion on what he’s doing, then it’s obviously important you try to engage or he’s justified in feeling unappreciated. If he’s just listing everything he’s doing in order to get a round of applause, that’s different. In that case, can you say you need xx minutes to finish what you’re doing and then you’ll come and see what he’s done? If he’s doing DIY to help create a nicer home for all of you I can understand why he might want a bit of appreciation - in the same way a decent partner should show appreciation for all the shite domestic drudgery that also goes into maintaining a home.

But the whole ‘getting in trouble’ thing has the whiff of a schoolmaster scolding a child, and very definitely sounds like a case of ‘my priorities at any given moment should automatically become your priorities and supersede anything else you’re doing or thinking about, and if not there’ll be temper/sulking/arguments’. If that’s the case, you urgently need to have a much bigger conversation about priorities, communication style, division of labour and him not being a massive dick.

DP does this sometimes – to an extent, I think most people do: “Here’s what’s going on in my world, let me download it all at you” – as a facet of ADHD. He stopped/stops when I say “Oh! I was actually using my brain for my own stuff right now”.

At first he told me I was being rude for saying that, then I gave him the analogy that he wouldn’t walk into a room where I was watching tv, grab the remote off me and change the channel, nor would he, if I were cooking, come over and steal the cooking implements for his own snack. The only difference is brains are invisible, so it was easy for him to be like “I’ll tell her all the stuff right now!” because he couldn’t physically SEE my mental to-do list: grabbing a nappy looks so easy, it seems as if your brain is a glorious blank awaiting fascinating DIY crap, but actually most people are going a mile a minute internally reciting nappies, cream, oh we need more wipes on the shopping list, once this is done I’ll put this wash on then it’s snack, etc etc. And tbh, even if you’re not thinking about chores your mind is your own: I’m equally annoying by DP chuntering at me if I’m using my brain to simply daydream or mentally replay the Jeremy Allen White Calvin Klein ad again.

He’s much better now and is able to say “Have you got a minute?” or “Are you busy? I need to talk to you about [Headline Issue]”, so I can say not right now but let’s talk at whatever point. Whereas before instead of the headline I’d get the full souvenir issue colour supplement.

That sounds exactly like my wife. It's not so much a case of wanting me to drop everything, it's more the blank sheet of paper thing. Other people don't have stuff of their own, the concept doesn't exist.

Probably a different dynamic when it's a chap doing it though.

Do the same to him. Explain in minute detail when you change baby's nappy or do other things with the children. If he objects, tell him how he's not invested in the children/ the family / your role as a mother etc.

The only time I would do this (pause while talking until someone is listening), is if someone is scrolling a phone (I loath this). But doing things around the house is normal - you can still listen to him while doing this!

@Pterodacty1
You are right, it's not all the time.
However, firstly, she's not remotely interested in his stuff.
Secondly, it's very off-putting to be expected to
give your time, energy and life where you don't want to give it.
So, in my opinion, if you need to be around that person to survive comfortably, you find a way.
If not - well, you find an easier way.

Sounds like maybe he’s feeling a bit insecure and needs your validation? What’s his overall life situation like, ie does he work, is he happy w his job, does he feel fulfilled in life in general?

My friend's husband is similar except in addition they HAVE to do the jobs together.

Don't let that happen

Start doing the same to him about whatever you're doing

Or tell him you're not interested

Whichever is easiest

'Get more trouble?'

Who the hell does he think he is?

I'd pack a day bag with everything I might need in the course of the day and avoid going anywhere near him. Or go out and leave him to it. Make it sound like you are doing him a favour " just taking toddler to the park so he doesn't disturb you darling, you're doing such a good job there"

He's looking for recognition and praise. You have to keep looking in and telling him what a wonderful job he's doing. 🙄

But why should he demand it when she's actually busy herself?

Or do you think the children don't need attention and what the OP is doing isn't important?

The main point is that everyone needs to pick their moments. And he doesn't

Oooh, love a bit of mansplaining. What a boring twat.

So what she could do is pull up a chair, with wine and popcorn and observe every tiny movement whilst applauding his dexterity and skill...

You’re the husband, aren’t you?

@anorakblack ummm it's almost like I wrote this post.. my DH does work/renovations for a living so I hear it all every. Single. Day. Plus the gossip that goes on. He is the exact same way in that he pauses and waits for me to look at him and if I say I don't understand or I'm busy he too goes in a mood and it turns into an argument. So now I just look at him, smile, nod, make it look like I know what he's talking about. Think sometimes he just wants to talk things out to someone who is separate from work so I'm just his listening ear I guess

Tell him you're invested in your two tiny children, his bloody DIY prowess is q complete non entity to you😁

So what happens if you "get in more trouble"? You make your relationship sound like a master/servant one, which is really unhealthy.

@Chartreux is right. There are ways to manage an enthusiastic and chatty DH. But do you have that or do you have a sexist, patronising man who thinks he's better than you and his jobs are more important?

Ask him if he realises how boring he is and tell him you have enough to do already with the kids and the house.

Yeah, that sounds like a great solution. Slow clap.

Sounds like there are a few possibilities here. Maybe he’s just an entitled mansplainer, maybe he is seeking your validation as overall he is missing your attention now you have small children and can’t/doesn’t know how to vocalise this, maybe he has undiagnosed ND.

As per some other PP my DH has ADHD and takes it extremely personally if I don’t have time to listen to whatever passion he is focused on at the time. See rejection sensitive dysphoria and hyper focus. So as some others have done, he tries now to ask - have you got 5/10 minutes rather than just cracking on, and I do my best to listen to whatever he wants to say when I do have the time, even if I’m not in the least bit interested.

"No one comes to the kitchen and keeps me company when I'm cooking every single day."

It's not a race to the bottom though. If your family ignore you, do something about it. If you're not bothered then there's nothing to complain about