To think this isn’t normal behaviour

[FlannelCure]

NC for this one. I am currently low contact with DP’s due to difficult childhood and constant overstepping of boundaries as an adult. I spoke to a close family friend yesterday who knows that I’m not in contact with DPs but not all of the details. She said that I need to try again to have a relationship with them but keep being firm with boundaries.

I’ve now started to doubt my decision to keep them at arms length. I’ve been replaying all of the incidents in my head that have led to this and there’s one that stands out to me as proof that they won’t accept boundaries but now I’m wondering if I’ve blown it out of proportion, so wanted some opinions on it.

Several years ago DH and I had recently bought our first house together and hadn’t given DPs the address as we were still decorating/unpacking and didn’t want unannounced visits. I had told DM that this particular weekend we were going out of town to celebrate FIL’s birthday so wouldn’t be available. For FIL’s birthday we went to a country pub that had poor signal. During dinner my phone connected and I saw that I had lots of missed calls from DM. I thought there had been an emergency so excused myself to find better signal and called her back. She was hysterical saying she thought something had happened to me, that DH (although we weren’t married at that point) had done something to me. I then got alerts from our home cameras and realised she was outside my house. I asked her about this and she said she’d got the address from DB and gone there in case I was in danger. I assured her I was fine, calmed her down and went back to dinner.

When we got home we watched the footage of DM running around the house, peering through the windows. It also transpired that she’d been to talk to our new neighbours to ask if they’d seen us or heard anything. She also used one of their bathrooms. We were very embarrassed and went round to apologise once we realised. DM was adamant she’d done nothing wrong and, when I spoke to her again, she just kept saying she had a bad feeling and thought DH had done something to me. For context, DH has never and would never hurt me and I’d never spoken to DM about us having so much as a minor argument, so have no idea where that had come from. DH was unnerved and asked what I thought would’ve happened if he’d actually been at home on his own when she showed up? I had no answer to that.

There have been lots of issues since then but for me this was the tipping point where I started to pull back.

YABU - DM was doing the right thing as she thought I was in danger

YANBU - It was a massive breach of boundaries, and pretty bizarre behaviour

@ArseholeCatIsABlackAndWhiteCat mummy is panicking over her loss of control over her daughter. What a lovely mummy. How kind and loving of mummy to turn up at daughters house, run to all the neighbours, leave anxious messages on daughters phone during partners fathers birthday. Bad daughter. Naughty daughter. How would you feel if your own kids did this to you? (Clue, they won’t since you aren’t batshit nasty.) So, daughter, get back into your box as slidingdoors suggest.

This reminds me of a time when I was in university and had gone home for the weekend. I got up early on the Monday to go back to uni and had lectures all day. I ended up falling asleep early and woke up to texts and voicemails off my mum and sister as I hadn't text her to tell her I'd got back safe (uni wasn't that far away lol) never mind the fact that I didn't speak to her for days at a time when I was in uni. Complete overreaction!
Your mum was definitely in the wrong and it's weird to go to someone's house just because they don't answer the phone!

OMG, no wonder you went no contact. Don't let anyone talk you into going against your instincts OP.......You may be better telling her that her behaviour is obsessive and she needs to back off.

She may be tempted to break any boundaries you create, she seems like she's got a track record for that.

I'd tell her to back off.

But dm knew op was out celebrating fil's birthday
Would you really panic about that?
It was 2 or 3 hours tops.

My parents overstep too. We did give them the address of a house we were moving to and while we were at work they went round and spoke to neighbours etc. We were in our 30s and they werent financially contributing or anything like that. They are bloody bored and nosey. They also used to just appear at places they knew I was. I hadn't gone low contact, they were just being intrusive.

@FlannelCure
Just realised I'm in op's mums situation (but not Bats) hopefully.
One of my the kids has moved to a new home this weekend.
I haven't got the address.
Their friends helped them move.
It's not a purchase (so not helped with funding , though did buy them some furniture)
I'm not worried (we have a good relationship) they rung me 3 times yesterday.
One of the others moved about 6 months ago with their job.
The only reason I asked for the address recently is because I sent a present for one of the grand kids.
Both live along way away so until we visit , not really needed.
What with Facebook/ WhatsApp/ text / FaceTime - I feel like i am always in contact.
All kids know we're here if they need us - (bedrooms ready ) but in other news they are busy leading their own adult lives.
I'm very proud of them all.

I bet her daughter having fun and putting her attention elsewhere (especially with inlaws) had something to do with it too.

If you have any doubts in your head, read ‘you are not the problem’ the authors also have a podcast.

I know certain parents that would do this and a lot worse. Their children are still in contact with them but that’s because they choose it, not because a relative told them what to do or not do.
Only YOU know what they are like.
Good luck x

Please please read that book I recommended above. I just reread your posts there and you NEED THIS BOOK!!! It will be the most life changing and helpful thing you have ever experienced.

Good luck x

Thanks. I’ll have a look. It’s really helpful knowing others are in similar situations because some days it feels so isolating and strange.

Reading that book will change your life. As someone said to
me ‘it’s like the Wizard of Oz, pulling back the curtain and seeing what has been happening’ you will be so happy you read it.
Please come back and let me know how you get on if you do read it. Good luck x

Alright. Calm down. 😂

She sounds perfectly calm to me. She’s just pointing out a very clear difference between the two situations.

Anyone who believes that the mother's behaviour was due to normal loving concern about the daughter is either very naive or deluded.

I agree with this. I've moved 4 times the last few years and not given my mother my address. Nor will I ever. You have your reasons for being LC and that's allowed.

Have you seen the Stately Homes thread, OP?

People on there will understand.

Here
https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5032064-march-2024-but-we-took-you-to-stately-homes?page=28

Thank you. I’ve previously had a lurk but it seems like a lot of long time posters who have history and I feel a little awkward cutting through a conversation.

They do seem welcoming if a new person posts.

They are brilliant on there.
And would totally support you

Firstly, sorry you went through this.

I don't think you should try to reestablish a relationship. This behaviour is nuts.

What did your relationship with your mum add to your life? Sometimes, it's not just the things that the abusive person does to you that hurt, it's also the stress of the times in between when you're waiting for the next thing to happen.

This seems like the actions of someone who didn't like not having control / attention.

They came round to your new house to create drama and grab attention - All under the guise of being a concerned parent.

Also, another thing that I think it is important to remember, if your mother was still in your life, she would still be doing things to hurt and upset you. It's because you have broken contact with her that she is not currently hurting you. There is no reason to think she's changed.

So much is wrong in this post. If it wasn’t for some of the basics being correct, I’d think you’d posted on the wrong thread.

OP’s mother didn’t panic because she didn’t have her address. She panicked because she couldn’t get hold of OP for a few hours. Hours. Even if OP hadn’t already told her she was at her FIL’s birthday, who panics and assumes spousal abuse just because someone hasn’t answered their phone one afternoon? Has OP’s mom never heard of the cinema, the theatre, the gym or any other places/activities that involve having your phone off?

You’ve also completely ignored the fact that this is one in a long line of incidents. The OP didn’t have a perfect relationship with her mother one day and then cut her off dead the next because she turned up at her house uninvited.

Honestly, and it hurts to admit it, I don’t think in the last few years it’s brought anything but pain and stress. The anxious feeling that was hovering around all the time has gone.

I can relate to what you're going through.

I wish you well. I really do think, from what little you've said, that you've made the right decision to put a bit of distance between you and your mum