To think this isn’t normal behaviour

[FlannelCure]

NC for this one. I am currently low contact with DP’s due to difficult childhood and constant overstepping of boundaries as an adult. I spoke to a close family friend yesterday who knows that I’m not in contact with DPs but not all of the details. She said that I need to try again to have a relationship with them but keep being firm with boundaries.

I’ve now started to doubt my decision to keep them at arms length. I’ve been replaying all of the incidents in my head that have led to this and there’s one that stands out to me as proof that they won’t accept boundaries but now I’m wondering if I’ve blown it out of proportion, so wanted some opinions on it.

Several years ago DH and I had recently bought our first house together and hadn’t given DPs the address as we were still decorating/unpacking and didn’t want unannounced visits. I had told DM that this particular weekend we were going out of town to celebrate FIL’s birthday so wouldn’t be available. For FIL’s birthday we went to a country pub that had poor signal. During dinner my phone connected and I saw that I had lots of missed calls from DM. I thought there had been an emergency so excused myself to find better signal and called her back. She was hysterical saying she thought something had happened to me, that DH (although we weren’t married at that point) had done something to me. I then got alerts from our home cameras and realised she was outside my house. I asked her about this and she said she’d got the address from DB and gone there in case I was in danger. I assured her I was fine, calmed her down and went back to dinner.

When we got home we watched the footage of DM running around the house, peering through the windows. It also transpired that she’d been to talk to our new neighbours to ask if they’d seen us or heard anything. She also used one of their bathrooms. We were very embarrassed and went round to apologise once we realised. DM was adamant she’d done nothing wrong and, when I spoke to her again, she just kept saying she had a bad feeling and thought DH had done something to me. For context, DH has never and would never hurt me and I’d never spoken to DM about us having so much as a minor argument, so have no idea where that had come from. DH was unnerved and asked what I thought would’ve happened if he’d actually been at home on his own when she showed up? I had no answer to that.

There have been lots of issues since then but for me this was the tipping point where I started to pull back.

YABU - DM was doing the right thing as she thought I was in danger

YANBU - It was a massive breach of boundaries, and pretty bizarre behaviour

This close family friend has started to take on the role of flying monkey.

Might be time to go low contact with them as well.

I wonder how many people who are criticising OP know what it's like to have a massively over involved and unboundaried parent. My mum would phone me obsessively even though I would tell her exactly where I was and insist that she thought something had happened to me because I hadn't called back immediately. She was disabled so I never had the experience of her turning up at my house and speaking to neighbours. What I can say is that it's really, really exhausting to be on the receiving end of this and other people do quickly notice if you humour it because you're just constantly interrupting every activity you're trying to enjoy to phone your parent and reassure them - for no good reason - that you're alive and unharmed. It's not like having a nice normal parent who would understandably be hurt and puzzled if you didn't want them to know your address for a while

Very bizarre behaviour OP and your mum causing drama in the guise of being concerned. I’ve been completely no contact with my mother for 15 years, it was her that cut me off actually as I called her out on her constant bonkers toxic behaviour. I’ve had people saying ‘she’s your mum’ over the years but I just ignore. I believe 100% the healthy relationship I have with my own DC and DH would be seriously compromised if she was in my life as she hates anyone having a happy marriage/home.
only you have lived your life OP.

I don’t know if the toilet thing is me being sensitive. But we had only had the briefest conversation with our neighbour, ‘Hi, we’re the new neighbours’ sort of thing. Then she turned up at their door asking if they’d seen or heard anything weird and then asked to go into their house to use the toilet. They’d never met her so essentially it was a stranger turning up asking to use the toilet. It just seemed relevant in showing she doesn’t always behave appropriately.

I thought it was your friend, but family friend, including DM’s friend makes so much more sense.

She’s a flying monkey

Ignore her advice & be even more guarded about what you say to her.

Personally I’d advise going low or no contact with DM’s flying monkeys too. They are being used by her, to relay information and to push her agenda.

With mine I found if I ignored the phone calls and scenes at my door, the next step was always illness.

Actually not just plain old illness, it was always Mother suffering some ‘near death’ that involved calling all my friends to pass on a message that I had to speak to her before she died, as she was my mother and how could I ignore her on her deathbed. Sadly she’s still very much alive ;), and no surprise I have absolutely no contact.

As many other posters have said, those with ‘normal’ families won’t understand. as it’s a shit club to be in, the narcissist mad parents club.

When I had my first DS I told them I wouldn’t want visitors until I’d been home for a day or two as I’d had a really long labour and issues with DS’s feeding. I got badgered into saying they could come the day after. The eventual outcome was I was chasing the midwives to discharge me as they were on my doorstep.

I’d suggest she used the neighbours toilet so she could involve the neighbour in the drama and let the neighbour know how much of a concerned mum she is. It also lets the neighbour have a view that your husband might be volatile. Non of this is about you OP. This reads textbook narcissism.

If it was a once off, that’s one thing but if it’s part of a pattern of this kind of behaviour then I would suspect she has some kind of personality disorder. I have close relatives who do this kind of thing regularly and they have been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder and histrionic personality disorder.

This.
"When I need advice on my parents I'll ask, as it is I'm good, thanks.

Shut it down firmly.
But I would be actively avoiding this relative.
Your mothers approaching your new neighbours was an attempt to embarras you and cause drama.

Stay NC.

Oh and consider "fxxk off gates" for your new home.
They are wonderful!😁

Ug op it’s upsetting isn’t it. I recall similar after I had my son. Far from being a support, she was the source of greatest upset. In fact, this is just how she is in all aspects of my life. It’s so tough not having a normal mother but there we are. No contact, or rather extremely low (once since covid) is my solution. Keep your boundaries strong op.

Can’t imagine any if my friends being in this situation. We would know our adult children’s addresses because we had helped fund the property, helped them pack and move in, helped them clean the property and eventually be involved in gardening/ decorating.
What’s the back story that you didn’t give parents your new address?

I’m sure you have your reasons for not wanting contact with your mother but you did use her as a refuge when your previous relationship ended so maybe she thinks she is entitled to know where you live? I can’t imagine my child not wanting me to know their address and I’m not scared of unexpected visitors (assuming they’re not burglars or similar!) when I’m at home. This seems the absolute norm on MN though so perhaps I’m the weird one?

I'm not sure why you are questioning your decision based on one incident. From your updates there were clearly a number of incidents which led you to go NC. So even if the one that you posted about wasn't sufficient reason, the others would be surely? Not giving your parents the address of the home that you had just bought, until you were ready to host them, makes it clear that there were already issues in the relationship. You wouldn't have made the decision to go NC lightly, so don't let someone else make you question your decision.

Thank you so much. I think the decades of being gaslit mean my views are so skewed sometimes. I’ve been conditioned into just assuming everything is my fault and I must be in the wrong. I so wish I could have a normal relationship with my family. I wish I didn’t have to overanalyse things like giving them my address. The poster saying I’m probably as bad as them doesn’t understand the situation. I’ve tried for years to forge some sort of relationship with them. Since going low contact I have felt this immense sense of peace and I’m suddenly able to deal with things that would’ve floored me before. But of course I feel guilty for feeling that way. I think sometimes people see going NC as throwing a tantrum but it’s one of the hardest decisions I’ve ever had to make.

Thanks. I think you might be right. I’m reluctant to go low contact with family friend as she’s important to me but I may have to be frank and not engage about the DP situation. We have plenty of other things to talk about.

They most definitely did not help fund it in any way whatsoever.

We usually don’t mind unexpected visitors and happily host friends and family quite often. We were trying to get the house in order whilst still working full time so had limited time to get everything done.

I moved back home temporarily after my previous relationship ended whilst I was waiting for my new rental to start up. I lived with a friend for a while so I hadn’t gone from my parents home straight to the purchase with DH.

I think it’s from years of doubting myself and a lot of it being ‘small things’ accumulating. I think this incident is one I hang onto as a clear example of how her behaviour wasn’t okay, and I use it to remind myself on bad days that I’m not imagining it all.

OP, there are 2 types of people who will give you advice on this.

First lot with 'normal' parents. They will tell you to 'be kind' or 'they'll be gone soon' or 'I'd give anything to speak to my Mum' or 'it's 2 minutes of your day, just give her the address.'

Second lot with parents who don't actually know how to be parents. They are the ones who quickly say 'hell no' or 'stay LC' 'grey rock' or 'cut that shit right off.'

You say there is a backstory too long to type. Which means you are probably need to think about listening to the people in the second group. I don't have contact with my Mum and I don't regret it one bit. However, it's a big, difficult decision to make and only you can do it. Good luck OP.

OP, it is really tough having grown up with messed up parents because you end up questioning yourself endlessly. It seems to me that you are actually quite astute at understanding your mum and you should stop doubting yourself. Easier said than done.

It is quite painful to come to the realization that one's parents don't necessarily have our best interests at heart. We would so much like to believe we are wrong! But no, you are right to maintain your boundaries and protect yourself and your family.

Keep listening to your own feelings, believe your gut is telling you the truth, have faith in your own clear judgment, and stop the self-doubt. This is the skill you (we) didn't learn before, but it is never too late.

Your poor Mum.

I wonder how you will feel if your children move house and don't let you know the address, and then go NC with you for panicking.

This is right on the button from @Whataretalkingabout

“Keep listening to your own feelings, believe your gut is telling you the truth, have faith in your own clear judgment, and stop the self-doubt. This is the skill you (we) didn't learn before, but it is never too late.”

Really generous, kind, insightful. We do need to remind ourselves of this. Like the op, I really struggle with trusting my judgement. And have so much self doubt. Working on it though!

“just be kind” “but it’s your mother” etc etc. yes being kind, excusing our mothers, supporting them. These are all things we’ve spent a lifetime doing and being and thinking we must be in the wrong. especially when mum claims she’s mother of the year. As these narcs do.

op, write the above quote on your fridge door or lock it in your memory. Have faith in your own clear judgement. And you do have clear judgement. Good luck!

Your mother is - probably subconsciously - trying to drive a wedge between you and DP because she liked it when you needed her & moved home post separation. Not saying she’s doing this on a conscious level but somewhere deep down, she’s decided it was better for her or you when that happened.

my suspicion on the whole new home fiasco is that she’s either a) genuinely whipped herself into an anxious frenzy, convinced herself something bad had happened to you and couldn’t calm herself down…

or b) pissed off you didn’t give her the address, maliciously decided to get it from your brother and then snoop knowing you’d be out with the in-laws. But then realised you had CCTV after the fact, so had to invent a story and phoned you to cover her own back.

Google "the missing missing reasons". You'll find a web site* full of stories about crazy parents like your mother, and an analysis of their behaviour patterns.

*I'd provide the link, but the last time I did I was scolded by people who thought I was attempting to drive traffic to the website for (my) commercial gain.

BTW I went NC with my mother when I was 30 and I, too, met people who were unable to comprehend that a mother's behaviour could be so toxic that their daughter cut them off. But I have no regrets at all. She was crazy and malicious.

Panicking over what?