To think this isn’t normal behaviour

[FlannelCure]

NC for this one. I am currently low contact with DP’s due to difficult childhood and constant overstepping of boundaries as an adult. I spoke to a close family friend yesterday who knows that I’m not in contact with DPs but not all of the details. She said that I need to try again to have a relationship with them but keep being firm with boundaries.

I’ve now started to doubt my decision to keep them at arms length. I’ve been replaying all of the incidents in my head that have led to this and there’s one that stands out to me as proof that they won’t accept boundaries but now I’m wondering if I’ve blown it out of proportion, so wanted some opinions on it.

Several years ago DH and I had recently bought our first house together and hadn’t given DPs the address as we were still decorating/unpacking and didn’t want unannounced visits. I had told DM that this particular weekend we were going out of town to celebrate FIL’s birthday so wouldn’t be available. For FIL’s birthday we went to a country pub that had poor signal. During dinner my phone connected and I saw that I had lots of missed calls from DM. I thought there had been an emergency so excused myself to find better signal and called her back. She was hysterical saying she thought something had happened to me, that DH (although we weren’t married at that point) had done something to me. I then got alerts from our home cameras and realised she was outside my house. I asked her about this and she said she’d got the address from DB and gone there in case I was in danger. I assured her I was fine, calmed her down and went back to dinner.

When we got home we watched the footage of DM running around the house, peering through the windows. It also transpired that she’d been to talk to our new neighbours to ask if they’d seen us or heard anything. She also used one of their bathrooms. We were very embarrassed and went round to apologise once we realised. DM was adamant she’d done nothing wrong and, when I spoke to her again, she just kept saying she had a bad feeling and thought DH had done something to me. For context, DH has never and would never hurt me and I’d never spoken to DM about us having so much as a minor argument, so have no idea where that had come from. DH was unnerved and asked what I thought would’ve happened if he’d actually been at home on his own when she showed up? I had no answer to that.

There have been lots of issues since then but for me this was the tipping point where I started to pull back.

YABU - DM was doing the right thing as she thought I was in danger

YANBU - It was a massive breach of boundaries, and pretty bizarre behaviour

I don’t think it’s odd to not give your parents your new address unless they needed it. The only time anyone has ever asked for our address was when they were either visiting us or planning to send something to the house. Those are the only situations I can imagine asking for someone else’s address too.

I think maybe she had a premonition you were distancing yourself but didn't know why.

I would trust your instincts.

She sounds very high maintenance but I can't imagine not giving my parents my new address after moving. How far away do they live? It sounds like there's much more to it though so I'm sure this isn't the only reason you're nc

My mum does stuff like this. I’m pretty sure she is neurodivergent though and wonder if that’s why she has no concept of boundaries. I try to only tell her minimal things now as she can’t be trusted with anything.

100% agree with this. People believe that if you explain nicely, and firmly, your request to be left alone for a certain amount of time to sort your house that this would be respected. Unfortunately, having a narcissistic parent means they don’t respect any boundaries. They view you as an extension of themselves, a possession who doesn’t deserve respect. What your mother did is shocking and unhinged, I can relate to similar experiences and it’s awful. I’m NC now, which in itself has been an extremely painful process, but I had no other choice.

What if you had a crappy relationship and they had form for showing up unannounced and you're still sorting everything out?

No, it sounds incredibly over-anxious and melodramatic (though I would have said it indicated extreme anxiety rather than narcissism), but neither do I think concealing your address from your parents is ‘normal’. But that’s irrelevant. You don’t need to meet some ‘objective’ criterion to stop seeing your parents.

OP explained. Because the house was full of stuff and boxes and they were sorting it out and didn't want her mum to show up unannounced.

My own mother is like this, and it's utterly exhausting. I think people with 'normal' relationships with their parents just simply won't understand what it's like to have a mother who's constantly like this.

The going round and disturbing the neighbours was an over-step, but I can understand the being worried.

I had a similar experience about 3-4 years ago. I call my mum pretty much every night at around 6pm. At that time I was working at a very rural private school that had literally no phone signal. One day, a sibling pair didn't get collected after school. They should have been collected by half past 5 , but a breakdown in family communication meant they didn't get collected until nearly half past 7. I drove straight home, and then got a message on my answer phone from my mum. She'd obviously tried to call me a few times, but in the end had left a message. She tried to sound all jolly, "Oh! You've obviously gone out somewhere! I hope you're having fun whatever you're doing!" But I could easily hear the anxious undertone in her voice. She was very obviously worried.
I called her right back, and the relief in her voice was palpable.

But she was aware. The OP said she’d told her she was away for FIL’s birthday and unavailable.

I can’t imagine in a million years buying my first house and not telling my mum the address-that is very unusual. We took my dad with us to look at our house before me made an offer-they’d seen the details, driven past etc.

I’m guessing from the fact you kept this a secret from her, this incident wasn’t the start of it all.

OP's mum KNEW she was away and why and that she would be uncontactable .

Your mum didn't know why you were uncontactable and still didn't show up at your house/place of work asking questions and disrupting neighbours. She kept it breezy and normal.

Completely different scenarios.

Based on this one odd example yabu.

Why would you move and not share your address? Now that is weird. Of course, the answer to this question might make me change my mind.

Proving my original point entirely .

Ignore the family friend, who has a) her own agenda, b) no experience of your life and c) no right to tell you to do anything.

Presumably OP you hadn’t given your DM your address because of poor boundary keeping in the first place? Once she had gained your address she went and trampled all over that very boundary and proved you right. You had moved to a new neighbourhood and now the neighbours think you’ve got a crazy mother and/ or a psycho partner, thanks to your DM pretending she thought you were “in danger” rather than away as you had originally clearly told her. I’d keep her at arms-length.

Several years ago DH and I had recently bought our first house together and hadn’t given DPs the address as we were still decorating/unpacking and didn’t want unannounced visits.

It's right there in the OP.

I think we can assume that if someone has deliberately withheld their address it’s for a good reason.

Did you not read the post? No parent has a right to your address if they have no awareness or respect for boundaries. You obviously have never needed to keep a boundary from someone who is enmeshed.

Of course they were still unpacking. That's the nature of moving house.

Normally that's when family offer support if they're able.

Are you about to tell me no one shares their new address? And thats normal?

I think OPs mother behaved like a lunatic. She was raging that she hadn’t been given the address of the new house so went round and made herself highly visible culminating in using the neighbour’s bathroom. If that isn’t me me me I don’t know what is.

Isn’t it obvious that her mother (and father possibly) just don’t respect their boundaries? Of course people with normal relationships with their parents would share their address and possibly accept help but we would never go no contact with our parents… The very fact that the OP didn’t share her address shows that her mother turning up announced like that is not an isolated incident.

It's strange not to give an address to your parents. (But potentially you had your reasons for this)

How long had you been out of contact for? Had you ignored calls / messages in previous days/weeks?

Yes it's an over reaction to go round and to speak to neighbours.

She totally overstepped the boundary
As for withholding an address we did the same when we moved house and didn't tell mil or my dh siblings until we'd been in a few days. They criticise most things we do and pick holes so we didn't want any of that until the keys were def ours and we'd unpacked