Staying at home with kids IS a contribution and it is also WORK

[carshaker]

A lot of people don't respect a mum who's ' just at home '. Like she's not really contributing to the family.

The reality is though, that it's very much a big contribution, even if it's not financial.

If you took away the financial risk of staying home long term, what's the issue with it? Why is it considered by many ( especially women ), less than ?

If this is a woman's choice, what's the issue ?

• and no one has ever asked me why or how we did it BTW I've literally had a barrage of thier own reasons why they work.

Except they're not. When I was home I cooked more from scratch, and I think it was generally healthier overall. Not that it wasn't healthy, but there are levels. Things just don't get done the same or with as much depth or to the same level. With less time, you just can't do the same. The educational needs of my children were also taken care of by someone else, which they weren't when I was at home. Also, the kids social needs were catered to more by me when I was at home, which they weren't when I was at work because it happened at the same time someone was taking care of their educational needs. Less need for all that when you're not at home with them and fully responsible for it all. It's just not the same thing - if you do it well.

That really depends on the child surely.

And all decent parents are on duty 24 hours a day. If someone is a sahp and their partner never does early mornings or night feeds, even when off, that's a problem with that parent.

It's not. It's not a localised/specific problem. It's a societal problem and it's endemic. I hate this trend to place responsibility for those with shit partners onto them for 'choosing' them.

The pool of non-shit partners, in terms of men who actually pull their weight and do their share, is miniscule. And having kids makes men shitter - they generally don't step up.

Let's put it this way.

I work 33 hours a week , don't earn loads and the job can be extremely draining sometimes (mentally/emotionally) and also have one kid with all the stuff that comes with that. My partner is a pretty decent guy, we've split stuff in a way that works(not necessarily even), he's actually doing more when it comes to DD now that she's older. Overall it works ok, with some days/weeks absolutely awful.

One of my friends is a SAHM to 3 kids. One has SEN, one is suspected and one baby. She doesn't drive and has an absolute arsehole of a husband that does nothing. The type that asks her to make him a sandwich when he's WFH and 5 feet away from the kitchen. Her life is much ,much harder than mine , to the point of nearly impossible and her mental health is utterly and completely shit. She works extremely hard , and has retrained and even attempted to work at times but it was extremely difficult to do it all.

Another friend is also a SAHM to teenagers and married to a fairly wealthy man. She had a live in nanny and cleaner when the kids were little(including first years at primary), and an involved husband.

You can't generalise and decide what something is based on an extremely narrow sample size.

I do feel as well that there are issues with childcare. Some settings are amazing some are horrific. For young dc you need brilliant settings - if a parent can’t find somewhere perfect then they may want to stay at home till their child goes to school and that should be respected. A substandard setting where a child isn’t nurtured can cause huge problems later on then you have no access to help as CAMHS lists are years long. Parents need choice and for the options presented to them to be best for their child

Regardless of what it is, I feel comfortable in my own choice. Except when I feel judged by people who have made the opposite choice, which puts me on the defensive to justify it. I imagine they are the same in reverse. So it's just a pointless cycle!

Like school teachers?

All I know is I would have loved to be a SAHM and I would have been shit hot at it 😁
I sometimes feel a little sad that I missed out on so much of my kids as they grew up. My heart would pang sometimes at nursery pick up.
It wasn't meant to be though so I don't dwell on it.
Perhaps all of the above comes into it when the topic of SAHM comes up? We are made to feel guilty no matter what we do so lash out at each other?

This makes my blood boil.

My SIL refuses to work. My poor brother gets so horribly stressed as he knows it’s all on him to put food on the table and pay bills. He took overtime the other week even though he had the most dreadful fluey bug. My dad has tied up his will so that his share goes directly into trust for my nephews ‘so that she can’t get her lazy mitts on it’. Sadly my brother agrees.

I’ve always worked full time - as has DH. We still do everything involved in running our home.

Not all women are career driven.

But it seems it’s only women who really have the choice of becoming SAHP. It’s generally seen as a huge fault in a man if he is not ambitious.

I stayed at home until my dd was 7 and then worked part time thereafter so that I could be there for her before and after school- take her to extra curricular activities, have playdates, cook a family meal, and support her with schoolwork etc. As she became a teen I felt it has been even more beneficial that someone was there for her when she returned home from school.. It was the best decision I ever made. I can't imagine anyone else could have cared for my baby as well as I did. Nurseries and childminders are OK if you need to use them, but they could never do the same job a family member can. If one parent can afford to not work full time then why wouldn't you if that is what you want to do?

As for being a SAHM enabling the DH to have a better career- maybe it does? If it does then that is surely all well and good if he is earning more money to look after and provide for the family. It's not 'enabling a man' in a negative way is it if that man is your husband/partner that you love and him having a good career is mutually beneficial to you both.

Exactly. And there's no reason anyone should feel threatened because someone else thinks a different choice to the one you make is better. Be secure in your own choices. I don't give a rats what anyone thinks of my choices because I'm secure that I'm making the best decision for my family, whatever anyone else thinks.

working full time and caring for children and housework is much harder than just caring for children and housework.

That's just your opinion though?

I also find it a bit annoying, this idea that a SAHP has facilitated the other parents career, and without them they could not possibly have succeeded.

I went back to work when DD was 9 months old, DH has always worked full time too.

We have no family childcare support network so it was all paid childcare and we have never had any household support like a cleaner or nanny or gardener.

Since returning from mat leave, to now when DD is 10yo, I have massively progressed my career, multiplied my salary fivefold and obtained qualifications and certifications that support further development.

Men can absolutely build successful careers and play an active part in parenting their children and contributing to household chores.

Just don't bother justifying it. Be secure with your choice. I admit, I do think my choice is the better one or I wouldn't have made it, but I hope people who have made the other choice to me feel equally good about their choice.

I have seen lots of negative comments towards SAHPs on mumsnet and as a SAHM I have dealt with a few in real life.

I think the discussion around protecting yourself financially if you're a SAHM is useful, but most comments are not about that.

Being a SAHM was important to me and I wouldn't have had children if I couldn't have stayed at home with them. We paid into a pension for me and we have equal savings/ assets and we both have access to all money.

Our youngest is a teen now and I haven't gone back to work and don't intend to. It works for us so I don't let other people with their negativity get to me.

So women who choose to return to work are a less effective parent than one who stays at home?
Some of the parents I come across in my job who don’t work are pretty crap to be honest.
Whether a parent is in paid employment or not isn’t an indicator of how well children are raised.

Err you can AND SHOULD be able to be a stay at home parent and still have a pension.. what a stupid ignorant comment. If that’s how your marriage works you’ve got some problems!!

these threads always end badly. The truth is that’s because working mums feel they are being called out for being ‘less good’ at parenting and the stay at home mums feel they are being seen as useless and not contributing. The truth is that neither is the truth!!!! It’s a personal choice that everyone should have the right to make as they feel is best for them and their child.

Also, working single parents are entering the chat! Many don’t have ex partners who co-parent well or at all.

Why can’t we just support women making their own choices that suit them and stop othering each other. I doubt very much men have this SAHP verse Working parent debate every 5 minutes.

I think being at home with your kids is wonderful. I personally couldn’t do it full time as I get a lot of intellectual satisfaction from my job but I wish I was in the position to only have to work three days a week.

So who is looking after your kids 3-5pm, or during school holidays? Clubs and childminders? That's outsourcing... paying someone else do to do the job. Totally fine and normal, but it's unhelpful to act like you don't have to do it.

I think it depends. I just can't see how someone working a job that is 41+ hours could be as effective a parent. They're just not present.