Staying at home with kids IS a contribution and it is also WORK

[carshaker]

A lot of people don't respect a mum who's ' just at home '. Like she's not really contributing to the family.

The reality is though, that it's very much a big contribution, even if it's not financial.

If you took away the financial risk of staying home long term, what's the issue with it? Why is it considered by many ( especially women ), less than ?

If this is a woman's choice, what's the issue ?

It is a financial contribution to stay home. I worked with a man many years ago whose stay at home wife left him. She was looking after 3 small children by herself, doing all the work at home (cooking, cleaning etc) and to this day he still talks about how easy she had it and how much money he made and she took in their financial settlement.

As a working divorced mother with no financial contribution at all from the father, I made a point to him that he had it SO easy because of his ex wife. He never had to run from the office to get to after school care in time, or employ a full time nanny who is paid all day while the kids are at school. He never had to reschedule meetings around childcare. He had some who loves his children managing their lives and the household while he did absolutely nothing but work. How easy for him! It’s a huge contribution from her. That is priceless and if you have to do it all on your own it costs a fortune and makes career progression very tough.

You just need to read the threads from mums of baby girls and their feelings around male nursery workers to understand why young males do not want to work with children.

my step son was a fantastic nursery worker. The young boys loved him. He played football with them. He was bullied out of his career by a parent - a dad funny enough who complained and complained about him until my step son called it a day. The dad made it quite clear to other staff and parents that he didn’t like a male looking after his son.

If kids aren’t school age then it’s ’hard work’ and lots of it. It may not be a financial contribution but it can save a lot of money. For some people the money that needs paying out just to work just isn’t worth their time working, they may as well stay home with their children. Because of this I’m Part Time, pay wise, I’m better off now than I was when I first went Part Time but right now I wouldn’t change a 3 day working week to work 5 or to be a Stay at Home Mum, personally I couldn’t do it, it would drive me mad. I need to work but I also need to be home more so this works best for me/is.

Everyone is different. You do what’s right for you and your family.

Role reversal in our house. I stayed home the first six months with DS then had to go back to work. By the time our son was 18 months he was in nursery longer than most of the staff, so DH became the SAHP. He does get down sometimes when he thinks he’s not “contributing” but when I point out his contribution in financial terms, he feels much better. It is not easy being a SAHP and it’s bloody thankless. I appreciate all that DH does because I love my job and it pays well so we can just about afford living on one income for now.

When mine were young I was very lucky to get free childcare in the nursery I was working at and a very supportive granny and MIL. As they got older I would pop out from work to collect and bring into my work. I then became a childminder so my children could walk home from school and I was always there. Now as adults I work in a school, about for holidays when youngest DS is home from uni and eldest DS needs me to provide care for GS. Maybe I have been one of the lucky ones. At no point has my care of DC or my job been compromised by my situation

Just to clear up the ridiculous point about pensioners ‘working’ because they are cleaning/cooking/keeping house when they retire. You are NOT looking after small children, who would otherwise need to be LOOKED AFTER if you were out at a paid job. I don’t understand how hard this is to understand.

SAHMs of children who are under school age, during standard working hours, whatever that looks like for you, are working. Because if they weren’t doing it (childcare) someone else would be, a nanny, a nursery, etc. Guess what? That’s called work. Looking after your child at other times, when you wouldn’t be working, is called parenting.

What about mums in maternity leave? Is that working or parenting?

Oh come off it!! It's far from ridiculous - how rude! You and your mates are arguing that looking after children and the home as a SAHM is work. You specifically have referred to tasks around the home as being part of that SAHM role. So you can't take one piece of work out of it, ie the childcare, and say that makes it not work!

And when the WOHM comes home to look after her children with her partner, they're not working either - they're parenting!! Wow! So by that same token, if you are looking after your children during, aren't you parenting too?

What a crock of shite! Can't you even begin to see how you are contradicting yourself and belittling the role of working parents?! I don't know how you find that so hard to understand.

Not this again

🤪

i work full time albeit with flexible working
i do school runs
i do clubs /activities
i do play dates
cook
clean
laundry
help with reading and home work

oh! I pay taxes too

And what about mums off with their kids on annual leave - working or parenting? Can I be parenting as a pensioner if my 40 year old still lives at home?

What a load of contradictory bolloxology!

Me and my dp both work fulltime in senior nursing roles. The only time I had time at home was a years mat leave. I took lo out for walks, lunch etc it was lovely. Working 12 hour+ shifts means 3 or 4 days a week so we spend a lot of time with our child too. Running a busy hospital ward then coming home and doing everything is fucking hard. I'm knackered. If we could afford it I would 100% stay at home but we can't. I cannot imagine it would be harder or more tiring for me than it is now. Perhaps it depends what job you do too.

Of course being a stay at home parent contributes to the family unit. I personally don’t view it as work though. Perhaps because I work outside the home. So I’ve always viewed the time spent with our children and doing household stuff as my leisure, ‘free’ time.

I don’t think it’s me that’s tried to say doing all the ‘admin’ or ‘running a home’ is work. I know other posters have but I don’t think I did. Clearly that’s not work. That’s life. And it is VERY frustrating when SAHMs say they ‘couldn’t’ work because of ‘life admin.’ It gives us a terrible name.

But the actual physical act of looking after young children during working hours, that if you weren’t doing it, someone else would be. That’s work. I apologise if I came across rude, but I don’t understand how anyone can possibly compare ‘running a house’ as a pensioner, as the same as being a SAHM with young children.

And as I’ve said before, I don’t devalue the roles of working (in paid employment) mums. I’ve been one. I enjoy working. I’m not currently working and I just get fed up on threads like this of feeling like because I’ve chosen to be at home with my young child this time, (partly because it would make no financial sense for us to pay for childcare) but mostly because I want to be at home at the moment, I must not be aspirational and that I’m not contributing anything financially or otherwise. I am. And no one will change my mind.

And no, I don’t think I’m working when it’s the weekend or when my husband is home or when it’s outside of what would be my working hours normally. Then I’m parenting.

Ultimately, it’s a shame that threads like this always turn into women bashing each other, and I apologise for the use of the word ‘ridiculous.’ There is no ‘right’ way to do this. Every scenario has pros and cons.

Being a sahm is work, but it’s different because you are raising your own family and you can run your own show. So I don’t think it’s the same as being employed where you need to weather difficult people and do crappy stuff just for money. At home is hard, but it’s rewarding and a privilege.

@maybein2022 I don't recall exactly what you said or any poster specifically; there's too much of it.

But posters are saying that looking after the household along with the children is work, so it must follow (which is clearly ludicrous!) that pensioners are also working just minus the children. Can't you see the lack of logic here? And what if the pensioner is also providing childcare!!! 🤔

Actually I think (although I don't particularly like the word as it has always felt a bit pretentious to me) 'parenting' is a much better descriptor than 'working'. I'm at a loss how you make this distinction too? "And no, I don’t think I’m working when it’s the weekend or when my husband is home or when it’s outside of what would be my working hours normally. Then I’m parenting." What is different about what you are doing during the week, genuinely?

The posters that are saying looking after the household is work, are, in my opinion, (and obviously people have different opinions!) are wrong. Everyone has to look after a household. But not everyone is looking after their children, who would need looking after by someone.

I’m also not saying anyone is right or wrong or that there is a ‘better’ way to do things.

Maybe ‘work’ is the wrong word then. Maybe SAHMs are just doing more parenting? I don’t know if that’s a better or worse way to put it?

@Runnerinthenight I missed your edit. What’s different is, depending on your job, no one else would need to look after your child at weekends/evenings (and obviously I realise this is NOT the case in many jobs- but I’m using my previous work as an example). I’m not working then, because no one else would be required to look after my child if I (and my husband) weren’t. 🤷‍♀️ If you normally work weekends and shifts, but are a SAHM, my view would be you’re working during your normal shifts and parenting otherwise.

It’s all a bit arbitrary to be honest, but I’m not sure SAHMs saying they do more ‘parenting’ (factually correct) would go down well, so I guess working seemed the better wording? I don’t know.

Do you have children? Or just a dog.

It's a grey area, and I think we will just keep going round in circles!

Children 😀two - raised to teenagers so far.

It’s the ideal situation really if one parent wants to and can afford to stay at home with pre school children. Makes life less stressful for the whole family.

For me- me! It is not learning and not earning, so no progress or contribution to my own self.

If I have any judgment (and that would be if myself too, as there are times when I could easily give up working!) it’s for giving up oneself.

Agreed!

I think this is what a lot of people are pointing out on this thread. It can seem less stressful at a certain point in your life, but can lead to other stresses (financial) in the future. In some professions it might be easier to dip in and out. In my profession that would not be possible. At some point in the future you will need money to pay for your children through university. My eldest just graduated and we have paid something like 60k out on cash in total for his masters degree. Just a warning….

If you weren’t learning things about yourself every day while looking after young children then you’re probably doing it wrong.