Staying at home with kids IS a contribution and it is also WORK

[carshaker]

A lot of people don't respect a mum who's ' just at home '. Like she's not really contributing to the family.

The reality is though, that it's very much a big contribution, even if it's not financial.

If you took away the financial risk of staying home long term, what's the issue with it? Why is it considered by many ( especially women ), less than ?

If this is a woman's choice, what's the issue ?

Mine did wrap around and I do all the school runs since covid ( wfh)

it’s more the weeks of settling in when they start, then the assembly and plays and reading with parents and open afternoon and all those things that are the hard bit because even on your 9-2 hours you would have to miss work to attend. And of course the 13 weeks a year they are on holiday.

You are also assuming judgement. It’s far more likely people simply don’t care.

If people didn't care, we wouldn't have a thread like this every 9 days

@Areolaborealis

Positive impact if earnings are the only measure of success in life. What about all the other factors like relationships, mental wellbeing, physical health?

But

a) it’s very difficult to measure these outcomes in this type of study. There are a huge amount of different parameters involved in relationships, physical and mental health. Whether a child has a working mother is just one factor in many that influence health and wellbeing: it’s not a direct correlation between whether the mother works and the children’s mental health. Earnings at least are something that can be tangibly measured.

b) Earnings are not a perfect proxy for health or happiness obviously but they are a necessary condition. Study after study has shown that poverty is by far the most important common factor in poor outcomes for children (stripping out factors such as addiction and mental illness). By definition a mother with little control over her finances is in a weaker position to provide for her children. So earnings are pretty important.

Same. I wouldn’t leave myself vulnerable but I guess everyone is different, every day on here we see unmarried women in despair as the relationship is over and they have no job, no pension and their ex walks away with all of that and more. My kids haven’t suffered for me being a working mum, in fact the exact opposite

I don't think anybody does really outside of these forum posts. People don't go around 'disrespecting' (whatever that means) SAHM or WOHM in real life.

At a national policy level, it matters in relation to incentives to work, or otherwise. Better funded childcare = support for working parents. Some people have been advocating incentives/tax breaks for SAHP, which obviously has to be funded by working people.

I'm sorry if this sounds rude but really....

"I have been a SAHP for 18 years (SEN), during which time I have project managed our house purchases, (adding funds from pre marital self-own property), and the renovations such that our main asset has accrued such value that should I divorce DH and take half, I’d still be set for the rest of my life. On this basis, I’d say that snarky comments about women who cannot/do not work as being a choice to be financially dependent and un-pensioned are really unwarranted and shortsighted. Marriage and raising a family is a team effort, from which both parties gain. "

Yes, while working full time and raising a child we (and many other people) have also moved house and done up our homes, this was alongside working and parenting, it wasn't that big a deal. Time passing has meant that our house has tripled in value, mostly through rises in house prices rather than anything we have actively done but also because of improvements we've made.

If you want to be a SAHP then fine, own it, but don't make out like you've done something exceptional that would have been impossible if also working.

Interesting that you talk only about stay at home mums enabling husbands' careers and not the other way round.

So you have to be heterosexual, have the male partner as main earner, and married... Hmm.

You do realize that in about half of UK households, women earn the same or more than their partners?

Some women literally have no option but to stay home. Assuming they have a choice is coming from a position of privilege.

I am talking about in real life.

I have had judgment about working. However, no one has ever said ‘working parents do far less than they think. Poor kids’ straight at me. Which is one of the comments in this thread.

and people who post that sort of shit on the internet very rarely actually date day it to someone’s face.

As to prove the point I made. You see this thread as proof people judge Sahms. Where I can see several judgemental comments made towards wohm and several judgmental comments made towards sahp. So it’s not proof people judge Sahms.

Its proof some people are judgemental

I've been a WOHM mum for 17 years (and high-earning too, more than DH who also earns well as works full time) and it's all fine, but sometimes I wish I'd been able to have a five year careerbreak when the kids were babies and toddlers.

I mean, I could of, but my career was flourishing and the joint incomes were brilliant, and I loved my job (and still do - it's brilliant, meaningful work, making a real difference). It's been a huge juggle though, and tiring of course. The years tick by and I would have loved in retrospect 5 years just at home playing with the kids and keeping house. But if I had done that, I wouldn't have had this career - it's not one I could have had a 5 year break from. Ergo, we can't have it all....

Anyways, the kids are great, they don't know any different, they're thriving. It's just me hankering for rose-tinted days cuddling babies, baking cakes + feeding ducks with toddlers.

I think people share their opinions here but don't care much outside what impacts their own families.

I have a friend who, when we were SAHM's, went back to work full time and put her toddler in daycare from 8-6 every day. I don't judge her for it, that's her choice, but it's not what I want. As long as no-one is making me do it, I'll just mind my own corner.

Only those where no one in the house earns over £100k. In the south east that rules out an awful lots of families and in that situation means it doesn’t make financial sense for a woman to return to full work if she earns less than c.£40k and has one child that would require full time childcare, or £80k if two children. The policy punishes women as usual.

Yeah.... That's why the tough and hardworking men leave the women to do it, whilst they make the money and then get to call the shots🙄

By all means look after your children but please don't forget to look after yourselves. Period.

I agree, I think a lot of schools offer wrap around care, ours offers 8-9am and 3.30-6pm, which enables parents to still work in the office 9-5, or from home, so facilitates lots of different types of work, and then most parents I know also work a few hours each evening and then several hours over the weekends. And it’s much cheaper than nursery was!

I have a 2 year old and 6 month old and am currently on Mat leave. When I’m not on Mat leave I work in my paid job part-time and work as a SAHM part-time. Both are valuable contributions to society but I agree there can be a level of “shame” or “embarrassment” linked to “just” being at home with the kids. I’m not sure yet if I’ll return to my paid job after my current Mat leave ends. If I decide to become a full-time SAHM, when people ask what I do I would be tempted to tell them I’m a housekeeper and nanny. I imagine people will assume I do this outside of my own home and receive monetary compensation for it and will therefore likely take no issue with it. If it became apparent I actually do this job inside my own home for my own family and rather than receiving monetary compensation for it, I just save my family that same amount of money, I wonder if some people would then take issue with it. I certainly don’t think this would be the case for all people- just some.

I agree but you have to be sensible and accept likely only one parent can attend big things and we’ve had to miss things like going into the classroom - never been a problem and ive explained to my kids we cant do everything as we work, but will always be there for the big things (sports day, xmas play etc). We use holiday clubs but save as much annual leave as possible for school holidays.

Similar for us.

Thankfully most schools don't do the long settling in thing any more

Only if you assume the woman is the lower earner of course.

But you’re ignoring what a lot of families actually do, which is work opposite shifts. Someone worlds during the day and someone works evening and weekends so a parent is mostly at home and engaged and present with the children. But you seem to
think that it’s outsourcing if a woman goes to work and leave the father in charge. What’s wrong with you?

@Garlicnaan

Interesting that you talk only about stay at home mums enabling husbands' careers and not the other way round.

Agreed. This “I facilitate his career” narrative really needs to be taken outside and shot. It’s reductive and insulting to working mums, particularly working single mums.

An infinitesimally tiny fraction of men “facilitate their wives careers” yet still a lot of us manage it, nearly half according to a PP.

Dont work if you don’t want to work I have no problem with this but you’re delusional if you think your middle management husband actually needs you to iron his shirts and cook dinner every night to keep the lights on. He chooses to maintain the convenient fiction because he doesn’t want to take on more of the domestic duties.

Nailed it!!

Exactly! I’m a single parent with a flipping amazing career before health issues got in the way! I was v senior and loved it, and managed with childcare and a cleaner and very little sleep. Yet somehow if I had a penis this would not be possible, and I would need a partner to do all of these things for me..

I do feel SAHM are undervalued and often belittled especially politically. I wanted to add that some of us don’t have the option to work due to caring commitments. I’d love to have a job outside the home but realistically, If I did I would be leaving early every few days to go a support my elderly mum (who has dementia) or going into my sons school to bring him home after a meltdown, and having to pick him up each day as his SN’s do not cope with an extended school day. In terms of value I’m saving the government loads on care fees by stepping up to support the more vulnerable individuals in my family. Carers are desperately undervalued though!

It’s a massive contribution to society.

kids need stability. Both parents at work and who brings up the kids ?
when mum use to be home and dad worked their was fresh cooked food and security, support.

Im not saying mum should be home but Ideally I believe one parent works and one is at home for the kids needs.
People wonder why kids are so unruly because who brings them up ?
Single parents with no choice to work . Who brings their kids up ?
Time needs to go back a little when we didn’t beed two wages for the flashiest car and the big holidays and the most expensive latest gadgets.

We have lost site of what is important in life .

I completely agree. I’m a SAHM and I’m sick of being treated like I’m lazy and don’t contribute. First of all we’d spend a lot of money on childcare if I did work, so I do contribute financially. And secondly I work constantly looking after my son and never have a break. He’s literally napping on me right now otherwise I wouldn’t have time to answer this question. I’m working the hardest I’ve ever worked in my life and I’m definitely not lazy. I don’t judge mothers who work. I think everyone should do what’s right for them and their children. Why people feel the need to judge me when my life has nothing to do with them I’ll never understand.