Man in flat bellow makes me uncomfortable. (This post has racial issues)

[Howtoadressthis]

Hi I have name changed due to this issue being slightly offensive I don’t mean it too but I’m really nervous it’s driven due to unconscious racial bias rather then a actual issue.

I live in a block of flats in fact it is a ESL (English second language) block of flats due to a fire at my previous adress. I am white British 25 single mum. i love my neighbours in fact we went to one of their Eid celebrations and one gave us a cake at Diwali. I mention this due to the racist undertone I’m scared of this post having.

in my flat there is a man downstairs we will call him Dan. Dan stopped me about two weeks ago to ask where my husband was I replied I’m a single mum and he replied oh no your too beautiful for that. I left it felt a bit uncomfortable as his wife and two kids are lovely but just took the compliment. A week later I heard a knock on my flat door I shouted out I was in the bath to come back as I was expecting a friend and assumed she was just early (sounds rude but we have the friendship we normally just walk into each others houses just my bathroom is opposite the door so if she opened it so would be fully visable In the bath. Anyway the knocking started again I grabbed my towel and I realised it was the man from downstairs to tell me he was leaving the flats and goodbye. Anyway I went on a weeks holiday came back and he is stood downstairs clearly not left. I feel really uncomfortable and almost like he was trying to see where I live.

now he hasn’t actually done anything and the reason I mention racism is he is a Muslim man and I want to mention to my housing officer he’s made comments and the waiting for me in the bath however I’m nervous it would seem weird as he hasn’t actually done anything major. I am trying to forget it but there is something about the way he looks at me that really creeps me out. There was a time about 3 months ago he waited in his car outside for me to walk past (I went in a shop and back out) asked if I wanted a lift to anywhere I said no and he drove offf.

im also really nervous he is just friendly and subconsciously I have racist thoughts due to news storys and scaremongering.

what I am asking is
does his behaviour seem uncomfortable would it make you uncomfortable.
would it be something you would mention to a housing officer
or is it subconsciously racist.

I really don’t mean to offend I told a group of friends and two said they would feel uncomfortable and one mentioned are you uncomfortable due to stereotypes and that’s why I am writing this post.

I do ask you are kind I was sexually abused as a child and I have a lot of subconscious thoughts due to this which is why I am asking on a anonymous forums.
thank you

Can't believe the 'you're overthinking' comments. It is exactly why we doubt our instincts and end up in dangerous situations.

A man once made me feel uncomfortable on a bus. All he did was look at me occasionally, it was 6pm on a summer's evening, busy and in a well to do area. If I'd got home unscathed and posted that on here I could have well had similar comments.

I didn't listen to my instincts, he followed me and attacked me.

Another situation: listening to a man on a train chat to a much younger woman about his dog. Writing that down sounds like nothing and he wasn't saying anything offensive - but my Spidey sense was going off and clearly it was with others too because another guy was about to intervene before he got off.

Op it's a slim chance anything bad will actually happen but if your Spidey sense is also going off then listen to it and be on your guard.

my housing officer said this is more a flat for refugees and people who speak English second language

Wild - how much is that costing the tax payer?

No wonder people are fed up.

Listen to your instinct, if you feel he's been creepy stay well clear of him. He sounds creepy to me, without knowing his race!

start with some common sense and keep your door locked. There is no reason to leave yourself vulnerable to someone entering so easily

Please, please trust your instincts.

He has been inappropriate and crossed a boundary. It doesn’t matter what ethnicity he is, you are uncomfortable for a reason.

I think I’d ask the housing people to install an extra lock/security if you feel in any way unsafe.

Imagine he was white British and behaving this way. Would he still make you uncomfortable?
yes
yes he would.
this is not a race issue. This is a predatory male issue. You are not wrong here

me too.

Why do ethnic minorities get excused from controlling and conservative behaviour towards women, just because any statement of criticism might be chalked up as subconscious bias, or racism, or whatever?

You have clearly listed the things he has done that make you feel creepy. You're are being racist if you think that a white man doing these same things wouldn't make you feel the same. I would suggest they would though, so you aren't being racist. As for whether he has actually any predatory intentions, he may well not, but I can see why you are uncomfortable.

Listen to your gut OP. If he makes you feel uncomfortable then that's enough to be suspicious of him IMO.

It's nothing to do with racism and everything to do with a man asking personal unwanted questions making you feel uncomfortable. I would have felt the same as you if he was white too. My husband isnt white and comes from a muslim country and he would not have done that because he knows its intrusive.

I was actually listening to a podcast on this very topic the other day with a woman from the FBI. She was talking about trusting your instincts and listening if someone makes you feel uncomfortable. She relayed a story of a woman walking down the street who got a weird, intensely uncomfortable vibe from a bloke and she considered crossing the road. She didnt because she felt it would come across as "rude".

He robbed her at knifepoint.

Now, I am in no way saying this guy is dangerous or anything like that but it shows that we need to listen to our instincts. That doesnt mean being rude to anyone but what it does mean is- we can assert a boundary, we dont have to answer personal questions from people we dont know and we dont have to accommodate everyone just because they are male and want to chat.

I agree with a PP about reading the gift of fear- its an excellent book.

It seems that in the three months he has focused in on her enough for her to notice, feel watched and uncomfortable.

Something is off.

She is doubting herself.

i don’t think she should.

And I do t think you should either.

Creepy fucks come from all races and religions.

If he’s making you uncomfortable, then your instincts and probably quite rightly telling you he’s a creep.

I don’t think I’d necessarily report him, as he hasn’t exactly committed a crime and could pass this off as trying to be.

I’d keep a note of dates and incidents and try to be firm in any further interactions.

i do think the initial “you’re too beautiful to be a single mum” was pretty creepy seeing as he didn’t know you

"gave us a cake at Diwali"

Muslims don't celebrate Diwali?

She didnt say they did- she said her neighbours are from all different cultures, one celebrates Eid and another neighbour celebrates Diwali.

Okay so I am surely late to the party here but does he always bellow below? ☺️

I would say that, because ANY man can be like this, the race is moot point.

Don't speak or interact with him OP. Ignore and give cold shoulder. if any other creepy or uncomfortable incident occurs, tell him very firmly, loud and clear that you don't want anything to do with him. Forget being polite - be super clear and don't stop to discuss or chat.
Being racist as with any prejudice, is being judgmental about somebody for who they are, not what they do. Criticising poor behaviour is not racist. Trust your instincts with this man. Keep a log as well, dates etc in case it is needed if he escalates.

She clearly said "we went to one of their Eid celebrations and one gave us a cake at Diwali". Two different neighbours.

I don't understand the reference to the ESL flats either.

It’s a bit late now but never tell any man you don’t have a partner. Swerve the question or say he lives elsewhere. Next time you pass this creepy guy, pretend to be on your phone talking to your partner. Sound affectionate and besotted. If creepy guy then asks you about him, say you’ve only been going out a short time but he’s fabulous and drop in a few comments that make him sound like someone not to be messed with.

That works best with men like this. If you let them know you’re scared or uneasy, they see you as more of a potential victim.

Keep the chain on your door/always just use the spy hole type thing to see who is outside.
If he says anything again that feels off, say something along the likes of "that's inappropriate. Please stop talking to me like that." If he then tries to make a thing about apologising just shut it down with a don't talk to me again. If he feels "creepy" then he is either:

1. Not very good at talking to women, at adopting the right tone to talk to women, doesn't understand how he comes across. If that's the case then being cold, telling him he is inappropriate will be genuine new information to him.
2. A boundary pushing creepy guy. Being really firm about boundaries and not "nice" is important as it shows you are going to be difficult to push boundaries on

And if the problem persists - you can escalate it as much as you like because someone bothering you after you have said they are behaving inappropriately is unambiguosly creepy - so its easier to explain to others.

But pay attention to your instincts and don't worry about being rude.

I would trust my intuition.

YANBU he sounds weird but you don’t need to make this about race. You would be uncomfortable with a white British man doing this, race has nothing to do with this.

Is he actually a Muslim? How do you know? I think Islam rather discourages married men from trying to chat up other women.