Man in flat bellow makes me uncomfortable. (This post has racial issues)

[Howtoadressthis]

Hi I have name changed due to this issue being slightly offensive I don’t mean it too but I’m really nervous it’s driven due to unconscious racial bias rather then a actual issue.

I live in a block of flats in fact it is a ESL (English second language) block of flats due to a fire at my previous adress. I am white British 25 single mum. i love my neighbours in fact we went to one of their Eid celebrations and one gave us a cake at Diwali. I mention this due to the racist undertone I’m scared of this post having.

in my flat there is a man downstairs we will call him Dan. Dan stopped me about two weeks ago to ask where my husband was I replied I’m a single mum and he replied oh no your too beautiful for that. I left it felt a bit uncomfortable as his wife and two kids are lovely but just took the compliment. A week later I heard a knock on my flat door I shouted out I was in the bath to come back as I was expecting a friend and assumed she was just early (sounds rude but we have the friendship we normally just walk into each others houses just my bathroom is opposite the door so if she opened it so would be fully visable In the bath. Anyway the knocking started again I grabbed my towel and I realised it was the man from downstairs to tell me he was leaving the flats and goodbye. Anyway I went on a weeks holiday came back and he is stood downstairs clearly not left. I feel really uncomfortable and almost like he was trying to see where I live.

now he hasn’t actually done anything and the reason I mention racism is he is a Muslim man and I want to mention to my housing officer he’s made comments and the waiting for me in the bath however I’m nervous it would seem weird as he hasn’t actually done anything major. I am trying to forget it but there is something about the way he looks at me that really creeps me out. There was a time about 3 months ago he waited in his car outside for me to walk past (I went in a shop and back out) asked if I wanted a lift to anywhere I said no and he drove offf.

im also really nervous he is just friendly and subconsciously I have racist thoughts due to news storys and scaremongering.

what I am asking is
does his behaviour seem uncomfortable would it make you uncomfortable.
would it be something you would mention to a housing officer
or is it subconsciously racist.

I really don’t mean to offend I told a group of friends and two said they would feel uncomfortable and one mentioned are you uncomfortable due to stereotypes and that’s why I am writing this post.

I do ask you are kind I was sexually abused as a child and I have a lot of subconscious thoughts due to this which is why I am asking on a anonymous forums.
thank you

what nationality are you op?

So am I until I lived here it is tempary housing and due to the support lworkers speaking English second language it's not a correct term however my housing officer said this is more a flat for refugees and people who speak English second language same as you get mother and children block of flats in temporary accommodation it's to help people I was moved here on a emergency place due to a fire. It's not permanent housing.

I can't see where it was even necessary to mention his race/ religion. If you feel uncomfortable about a neighbour, then that's how you feel.

However, it doesn't seem like he did anything particularly unusual. But you answering the door in your towel, rather than speak through the door to establish who it was...

He said you were too beautiful to be a single mum: yes, weird and creepy thing to say

He knocked on your door to say goodbye: he wasn’t to know you were in the bath and wouldn’t have if you didn’t shout it out so basically he just knocked on your door?

He was downstairs after they’d moved out and it was “almost like “ he was trying to see where you lived: why, what exactly was he doing to make you think that?

And he once offered you a lift.

The first thing is definitely a creepy thing to say, other than that it’s impossible to judge, only you would know. We can’t tell you whether your “subconscious bias”/ rascism is influencing your judgement.
If he’s in the building or hanging around it without a reason to be there I’d report it anyway as he clearly shouldn’t be doing that.

Look: calm down. You are not “overthinking this” but you are probably not in immediate danger. Your subconscious has alerted you to a potential danger so take a deep breath and think it through.

In my experience of having lived in another culture/country some men respond to the rules of distance and shame by fitting non family women into the family model. So you will often find men choosing to call you and treat you as little sister, older sister, mother, aunt, or sister-in-law whatever is safely close snd non sexual. When travelling on my own I always insisted on creating this fictive family relationship if a man started out flirtatiously by cutting him off and redirecting “don’t speak like that to an older sister/younger sister.”

He set your alarm bells off when he responded to your statement “Im a single mother” flirtatiously and seductively. He should have (culturally speaking) withdrawn a little and been a little more formal and avoidant with you whether he assumed it made you more sexually aggressive or whether he was trying to stay on the up and up with his own family and avoid a compromising situation since they might assume you were sexually available.

He is probably just testing the water to see if you will hit on him. Just be firm and cold. Don’t answer the door to him. Walk away if he approaches you. That is not rude—predators will leverage your sentimentality and courtesy to put you in a dangerous situation. Honorable men will respect your boundary.

Yes, you are being racist - but only because this behavior would be creepy regardless of who did it!
In fact even a woman asking me where my husband was would have me going ???

You're overthinking and overreacting, but that's your prerogative. However, you do need to tell the man not to talk to you as otherwise he won't know

Sometimes people can behave in a way that on the surface looks innocent, but puts the hair up on the back of your neck. If this man is causing this reaction in you, listen to it. It doesn’t matter what creed or race he is, listen to your instincts.

Although knocking on everyone’s doors to find out where you live sounds very creepy.

Where on earth is a SEL block of social housing? 🤔

He could find it odd that you don't have a husband and have children, in some cultures this is not done. He may be testing to see if you might be interested in him, or he may just think as a woman alone you may need help and is just being friendly. Just keep it formal and don't accept any offers of help. You said his wife is lovely, do you talk to her? You might find out what her DH is like, if he is generally a friendly helpful person who would offer any acquaintance a lift.

Don't answer your door wrapped in a towel when you have no idea who is there. Do you have a chain on the door? I would use one.

I think you're vulnerable and cautious. This man is giving out some creepy vibes. I would just do my best to avoid him.

No I'm not it was more the your to beautiful comment and then the knocking on flag door I didn't even consider race until I asked people if they thought it was normla and someone mentioned is it because he is a a Muslim man and due to stereotypes you are reaching a conclusion. I honestly don't know or think this myself just wanted to ask here if I should mention it and also included that as it was mentioned to me.
I really don't want it to have Islamophobia and tried to mention so mych in my post to avoid that it was a genuine issue. I felt uncomfortable and wasn't sure if it was genuine or if it would be seen a certain way as many here mentioned it's overreacting so if I did mention it would the stereotype that was mentioned to me be the thought of who I reported it too. I would report any racist comments instantly.

Definitely get the police involved. You deserve to feel safe at all times.

Exactly. You don't sound in the least bit silly or over the top. On the contrary, you sound far too apologetic. F-k what other people think. Trust your own instincts. If this man makes you feel uncomfortable, there's a reason. I remember my sister telling me that she moved to a new area with two single, middle-aged guys living either side of her. One she liked immediately, the other (who was far more friendly and welcoming) gave her the creeps. She later found out that he was on the sex offender's register. Always, always trust that gut instinct.

Oh I see. Thanks for explaining

Stop squelching your instincts. You did not need to say what his ethnicity was to write the post at all. He tripped your alarms by three unnecessary/ofd interactions which would be suspicious whatever his ethnicity because they can be read as

identify target
test boundaries
test boundaries

Women and women alone With children are looked at as fair game and orey to men in the UK—the stats on assault and murder are horrific. OP needs to be alert.

You seem to be stereotyping him and that kind of sucks. It’s no different to people stereotyping single mothers and football fans.
If you don’t like someone or something you don’t need a reason. If you don’t like what someone is doing then they need to be told.
Race and religion has nothing to do with this, or it shouldn’t.
Ask yourself; if this man was the same ethnicity/religion as you would you still feel uncomfortable?
If the answer is no, you definitely have racial bias and you need to stop listening to the scare stories.

You're not being racist op. Your friend has put that in your head.

He sounds very weird. As a pp said maybe write the incidents down and keep a log? It can help to look back at things as you've written them in the moment iyswim if you do decide it's getting a bit out of hand.

You are NOT overthinking this!!
A man is giving unsolicited comments about your looks and crossing your boundaries. Fuck him. Report him. He’s making you feel uncomfortable, tell the Police.

He sounds like a creep

You have every right to feel uncomfortable

He's done nothing report-worthy

Stop going on about his religion as it has literally nothing to do with anything.

Just be short and sharp with him from now on, if you're forced to interact as neighbours.

I'm still unclear on why/ how your friends knew he was Muslim, as it bears no relevance on the situation.

If you’re white British, why are you living in that block?

His behaviour would make me uncomfortable, even if he were a white English man - especially the waiting in his car to offer you a lift. If you knew each other well, that would be one thing, but I would avoid getting into a car with someone I didn’t trust. Glad you declined.
Agree with PP about exercising your boundaries, let him know exactly where he stands!

If I understand correctly the OP needed emergency accommodation and has been housed there on a temporary basis.

When I lived in London in my twenties I also had occasions when men of other races made me comfortable. One of them kept following me in V&A museum and asking me for dinner with his family. I never knew how much of it was possibly acceptable in their cultures and what was just being rude.