Man in flat bellow makes me uncomfortable. (This post has racial issues)

[Howtoadressthis]

Hi I have name changed due to this issue being slightly offensive I don’t mean it too but I’m really nervous it’s driven due to unconscious racial bias rather then a actual issue.

I live in a block of flats in fact it is a ESL (English second language) block of flats due to a fire at my previous adress. I am white British 25 single mum. i love my neighbours in fact we went to one of their Eid celebrations and one gave us a cake at Diwali. I mention this due to the racist undertone I’m scared of this post having.

in my flat there is a man downstairs we will call him Dan. Dan stopped me about two weeks ago to ask where my husband was I replied I’m a single mum and he replied oh no your too beautiful for that. I left it felt a bit uncomfortable as his wife and two kids are lovely but just took the compliment. A week later I heard a knock on my flat door I shouted out I was in the bath to come back as I was expecting a friend and assumed she was just early (sounds rude but we have the friendship we normally just walk into each others houses just my bathroom is opposite the door so if she opened it so would be fully visable In the bath. Anyway the knocking started again I grabbed my towel and I realised it was the man from downstairs to tell me he was leaving the flats and goodbye. Anyway I went on a weeks holiday came back and he is stood downstairs clearly not left. I feel really uncomfortable and almost like he was trying to see where I live.

now he hasn’t actually done anything and the reason I mention racism is he is a Muslim man and I want to mention to my housing officer he’s made comments and the waiting for me in the bath however I’m nervous it would seem weird as he hasn’t actually done anything major. I am trying to forget it but there is something about the way he looks at me that really creeps me out. There was a time about 3 months ago he waited in his car outside for me to walk past (I went in a shop and back out) asked if I wanted a lift to anywhere I said no and he drove offf.

im also really nervous he is just friendly and subconsciously I have racist thoughts due to news storys and scaremongering.

what I am asking is
does his behaviour seem uncomfortable would it make you uncomfortable.
would it be something you would mention to a housing officer
or is it subconsciously racist.

I really don’t mean to offend I told a group of friends and two said they would feel uncomfortable and one mentioned are you uncomfortable due to stereotypes and that’s why I am writing this post.

I do ask you are kind I was sexually abused as a child and I have a lot of subconscious thoughts due to this which is why I am asking on a anonymous forums.
thank you

I think you'd be sensible to be less open with strangers about your life circumstances, it makes you unnecessarily vulnerable. I wouldn't announce to a strange male that I live alone and I probably wouldn't answer the door to them if I already felt uncomfortable around them and didn't want them to know where I live. I appreciate that's a fairly extreme position but I tend to err on the side of caution.

You're not unreasonable to feel unconformable around this guy. I second the recommendation to read the Gift of Fear. I do think you're unreasonable to focus so much on ethnicity in this case and to second guess yourself so much about it.

I am Muslim and YANBU.

It's not normal behaviour for a male neighbour to keep knocking on your door after you've told them you're in the bath. Or to wait in the car for you to come out a shop to offer you a lift. If he wanted to offer you a lift, the normal thing would have been to ask you as soon as he saw you, and then leave then if you declined, not wait. My DH probably would offer a female neighbour a lift home if he saw them out somewhere, knew they didn't drive/didnt have a car, but he'd have asked when he first saw them, not waited around. And he wouldn't offer a lift to anywhere else, only if they were about to go home to the same street as him.

Oh and I didn't comment on the "you're too beautiful to be a single mum comment" - gross, frankly. Totally inappropriate for a neighbour to say that, nevermind a married one!

Make sure your door is locked. I say this with concern not judgement,no man should feel free you ignore the boundary of your threshold and just wander in.

It's not like british men would never harm you, but our cultural ideal in the west is that men and women can be friends. That is not every other cultures ideal.

Please look after yourself and your boundariesand buy locks!

Why was he knocking on your door? To say bye? I don’t understand this?? And race hasn’t got anything to do with it, a black creep a white creep an Asian creep. A creeps a creep I don’t see that being relevant.ok just re read. He was knocking to say bye because he was leaving and he hasn’t left. He sounds odd because you weren’t friends he didn’t need to say goodbye. I would be wary of him, don’t speak to him see if he gets the message

What is a 'flag inspection'?

Why are people highlighting that OP opened the door wrapped in a towel? What is the relevance of this? She was expecting her friend and had jumped out the bath. Are people suggesting she is somehow “leading on” this guy/any other guy for answering her own door in a towel? Nice bit of victim blaming there.

I would listen to your gut instinct. You clearly aren’t being racist and men of all colours and religions can be creeps or of course dangerous.
Speak up to your housing officer or whoever is best placed to advise you.

Just tell him you aren't interested in him and to leave you alone.

I can tell from the nature of your post, you are definitely not being racist.

You are right to be wary, but try not to worry and I know this is much easier said than done.

Be vigilant.
Be mindful to make sure when you are in your flat that you lock the doors on the inside, this is something I do although my neighbours would not try doors, it does happen in some flats.

You are recieving unwanted attention and the creep needs to back off. I don't think your landlord or housing officer would be able to do anything at the moment however if you notice him following you, inform the police. There are stalking laws now so he would get a warning if he tried anything.

Certainly Don't allow him in your flat, just in case, he may not do anything but its not a risk worth taking.

Don't divulge too much about your personal life too him just in case.

Completely agree.

If he was white how would you feel? Comfortable or uncomfortable?

It’s got nothing to do with race. I’m not sure why you’re bringing his race into it and saying it’s because friends mentioned it?

A creep is a creep. There’s creepy guys of every race & religion.

Saying that, apart from saying you’re beautiful I’m not sure how creepy he is actually being? Maybe he was due to leave and it fell through, so he was genuinely saying goodbye? It’s hard to know. Maybe he offered a lift as he knew you were going the same way if you had shopping?

yeh, this comment is so revolting. like, the only reason a woman could possibly be single is that no man wants her. ie, the choice is the man's. To take this woman, or not. the woman saying eh, no you're ok, no thanks, that's not considered. I'd stay away from anybody who made this comment because women's autonomy is not a concept they can fathom.

Doesn’t sound like a race thing - he sounds like a creep.

I'm muslim and that is just creepy behaviour. Usually if there's an interaction with a women and if there's a wife involved the communication would be by the women. Muslim or not anyone that knocks on your door and lies about moving out, or asking if you want a ride is a wrong one

Presumably a typo for flat inspection

Have you been around other Asian men? I'm guessing there are others in the flats as you say it's ESL flats. If one Asian man is making you uncomfortable but you feel fine around other Asian men then it is clearly something to do with this man and nothing to do with race. Follow your instincts, even if they are wrong you have nothing to lose by being wary and discussing it with your housing officer but if you are right you could be preventing you or your children coming to harm.

Islam isn't a race so you can't be racist.

Anyone can become a Muslim.

Don't tell strangers your private business so that you are left vulnerable.

We have instincts for a reason. Amd in my experience there's a horrible icy cold, stomach dropping feeling we get when someone is looking at us and means us harm.

So he probably is a creep.

Avoid him, make sure your door has good locks, vary your route to work, don't get back home late at night. Consider a camera doorbell.

It doesn't sound like he's fixated on you specifically as it only a few interactions. But just be mindful of your surroundings.

Predatory men come from all races so trust your instincts.

He’s being creepy. Tell him to leave you alone - very clearly.

Are you a police officer? Especially one from the Met?

Your repeated questions seem designed to gaslight the OP and that is just offensive given what she’s said about being sexually assaulted in the past. Plus read the OP as she has already answered that question. If you think she is over reacting then just say so.

However, IMO, women disregard their feelings of discomfort to their peril. A married man asking about your husband and then commenting on your looks is a man trying to make you uncomfortable whether that’s a one off or repeated daily for a year.

He's a creepy dude..his race is irrelevant.. creepy men are a worldwide phenomenon. The only thing that makes you sound racist is the unnecessary rambling on about his race. I can totally see why his behaviour is making you uncomfortable.

There must be other Muslim men in your building and neighbourhood who aren't making you feel uncomfortable. I doubt your feelings are based on race since it's just this one particular man. Trust your instincts. Finding out information about any man in the apartment before showing up unannounced at the door would make me very uneasy.

I work with refugees.

There is absolutely no such thing as an ESL block of flats in the U.K.

Ok so forget his race and religion. It's irrelevant.

What I would say is there are many many men of every race and religion who think a woman being vaguely polite is an indication that she's interested in him. So you have to give one word answers, look distracted and busy if he speaks to you, don't ask any questions, don't give him any personal information.