DH caught cheating 2x and on dating site.

[QuietMama2]

I'm seeking advice and understanding from those who have been in similar situations.I've been married for 10 years, and my husband has been caught cheating three times. The latest incident has been especially hurtful. He claims he sought companionship. I discovered about the affair this month and confronted her via social media. She confirmed they dated for six months and were intimate but she ended it in December. My husband denies this, saying she wanted more but he refused, which led to the end of their relationship. The woman says she ended it when she found out he was married after he lied about having marital difficulties. I am currently attending marriage counseling.The main issue is that he refuses to take an STD test, and I have told him that, given what I know, I won't be intimate with him until he does and agrees to certain boundaries. He has refused to comply with these requests, saying we have been initimate since the relationship ended in December and I am being unfair. Pls advise, no judgement pls.

I did 2 years ago....there was so many layers to it that I had to rethink but gearing myself up for it again. I just need to believe that I can and will be ok once I decide to leave. Thx for the response

What on earth can we say to someone who has allowed this, you allowed it as it is the third time. No sympathy.

He says it is not fair, and won’t comply? Why would you go near him again?

OP I’m not judging you as I’ve been in complete denial before. It’s very very hard to see what it looks like from the outside when you’re in it and your self esteem has been smashed to pieces over the years.

Go and get a STD test for yourself. There comes a point when you have to try and wake yourself up.

Your DH has cheated on you multiple times and has zero respect for you. Dig deep and find your own self respect. Pull back some power and leave him.

Have a look at codependency and book in for some counselling.

But you do need to leave him OP. He thinks your a mug and at the moment your letting him treat you like one. 💐

You're still with him after that, sounds like he calls the shots in your marrage given he's cheated 3 times, up until now, so it's no wonder he doesn't feel the need to have an STD test.

Really think you've more pressing concerns to see to, maybe go get tested yourself to make sure you're clear then think about whether you want to continue in a relationship where your DH's cheating is probably going to be for the duration of your marriage.

Thank you for understanding. I appreciate your perspective

You have one life, it's precious.
Leave

Good for you for starting to seperate, it's not easy and it's normal to take a while.

Take back control. It's the best feeling in the world:

Get your own STI test and never let him touch you again.

No point in mariage counseling. Get your own therapist and talk this over with them. Good luck!

Shit Husband Bingo
Start laying down some rules.
Start divorce proceedings.
LTB.
Stop doing the pick me dance.
Get your ducks in a row.
Engage a SHL.

Literally the only advice I would give you is to get rid of him.

YABU by not divorcing him. He has no respect for you or your marriage.

Thank you so much for understanding. This is exactly what I am doing now. I have paid for a Personal trainer and a therapist to build up my confidence back. I appreciate your perspective it isn't easy to just pack up and leave but I am on this route as I was already there 2 years ago until he came begging

I wouldn’t worry about STI testing for him as I wouldn’t be having sex with him as the divorce would be going through. Get yourself tested. He’ll keep cheating and won’t test as he knows you’ll just take him back, leave.

Honestly I think you need some self respect and end the marriage. You should have done that the first time. Stop doing this to yourself because at this point that is what you are doing by choosing to stay.

Cheat back on him
Film it
Show him it

Then Leave him

Caught cheating 3 times and your still there with him.
Sorry op you only got yourself to blame for staying hes not gonna change.

Forget the PT, spend it on a SHL. Money well spent IMO

No sympathy? WTF?! There are many reasons why women stay in this situation, especially when they have children to consider. They all deserve sympathy, good advice and support to navigate the frightening and complex process of leaving. If you can't do that, why bother posting at all?

Try to keep your eye on the light at the end of the tunnel, he will probably start begging again and saying all the right things when you say you are done, making promises etc.
But you need to stay strong now and enjoy the happiness you deserve later x

Thank you so much for this....so many reasons I have stayed. I appreciate your perspective.

This. Think of the lesson you are teaching your kids

Thank you for this! I appreciate your perspective and everyone's as well. I sometimes forget who I am and what I bring to the table because I have allowed this to cloud me. Thanks for your perspective.

Thanks everyone for your responses. I appreciate it.

If you're not leaving after 3 affairs, I think you should protect your sexual health by way of condoms or abstinence and let your husband cheat in peace.

That's likely the best closure available to you while you stay.

I suggested and he is refusing to even use condoms, maintaining his innocence so I have decided to just watch until I am able to walk away. If there is one thing I am sure off, is I wont be breaking my boundaries while I work out on getting myself ready to speak to a lawyer. Thank you so much for your perspective.

It sounds as though the thought of leaving him might not be causing you difficulties as much as the implications? Divorce is incredibly costly not just financially but also relationally, it sounds as though your husband has worked hard on getting your children and no doubt others, to advocate on his behalf. I am wondering how come he has so much power in the situation? When weighing things up how is that the emotional and psychological costs of his disrespect and disregard for you are seen as tolerable in terms of what it is that will be impacted by separation? Do others in the family think it is down to you to continue? or do they also think his conduct is unacceptable?

I think the arrogance displayed in reducing the health risks his actions pose. to a game of one upmanship is very telling. It is almost as if he is playing trumps with you - your move my move style. By his logic, your failure to discover the affair in advance of him ending the relationship, renders any response that places responsibility and accountability with him - null and void. Hence he wont have an STD test because it would mean he had done something wrong. I wonder if this has been an ongoing dynamic in the relationship and if so how much ground have you had to give to stay with this person?

I'm not really one for the labels, but some people find them very helpful. It sounds like you are dealing with someone who places all his efforts in dominating others - if this is true, what might be causing you difficulties in leaving, is it the likely vindicative unpleasantness this type of person will meet out in his retaliation for non-compliance? If it is this, then that is what you need to prepare for rather than questioning your entitlement to respond with a decision not to continue.