DH caught cheating 2x and on dating site.

[QuietMama2]

I'm seeking advice and understanding from those who have been in similar situations.I've been married for 10 years, and my husband has been caught cheating three times. The latest incident has been especially hurtful. He claims he sought companionship. I discovered about the affair this month and confronted her via social media. She confirmed they dated for six months and were intimate but she ended it in December. My husband denies this, saying she wanted more but he refused, which led to the end of their relationship. The woman says she ended it when she found out he was married after he lied about having marital difficulties. I am currently attending marriage counseling.The main issue is that he refuses to take an STD test, and I have told him that, given what I know, I won't be intimate with him until he does and agrees to certain boundaries. He has refused to comply with these requests, saying we have been initimate since the relationship ended in December and I am being unfair. Pls advise, no judgement pls.

The process will be difficult but you'll be happier in the end.

Get yourself an sti check and stop having sex of any kind with him. I've been where you are, OP, only it was 4 women, one of whom turned out to be a prostitute. That was almost 40 years ago and I still get nauseous when I think about it. PTSD is real.

Please leave. I did and have been enjoying a decades-long happy marriage ever since. You can do this, OP.

OP he has not been caught cheating 3 times.

He's had 3 affairs. At least one of 6 months duration.

There is nothing to salvage here bar your dignity and self-worth.

He's a serial cheater who (I'm sorry to say) cares not a jot for you.

I hope you start divorce proceedings. This must be draining the life out of you.

Firstly op, you’ve done nothing wrong here. You’ve offered further chances in good faith and he has let you down. That is on him, not you.
Secondly. I know this all feels massively overwhelming so can I suggest you take it small step by small step?
Step 1. Private STI test for you. Frankly, I couldn’t care less if his dick rots and fall off but let’s make sure you are clear. Don’t have him near you again. No is a complete sentence.
Step 2. Find a shit hot lawyer
Step 3. Make an appointment with said shit hot lawyer
Step 4. Take the advice of the lawyer and break it down into manageable sections. So, one day you get together your bank statements, the next, your pension details etc etc
And so on and so on. A very wise man once told me that the only way to eat an elephant is one bite at a time. Break this shit down into bite sized chunks and do one every day. Before you know it, you’ve gone further than you ever thought possible.
You CAN do this op, I’m cheering you on xxxx

Thank you for your perspective. I am sorry you went through this and glad you are happier now. I appreciate your feedback.

Sadly this is true. Why would he stop? Please get yourself out of this. This is no way to live and you deserve better.

I completely agree with this. It's so easy to say I wouldn't stand for that when you're on the outside and don't have all the complex feelings and your self confidence is at rock bottom.

OP - you asked if you can do it, you can. But you also don't have to be completely on your own - you said you've got support from a marriage counsellor, but there's other help and organisations out there too and obviously a solicitor can advise the legal stuff. Do you have any friends or family that you can confide in and get support from? (I don't mean your children here) I can't pretend that it'll all be easy, but I don't think anything will change for the better if you stay in the marriage. You can't change your husband or his behaviours, the only thing you can change is what you do. I wish you luck.

How very true! He takes no accountability and always find a way to make it my fault. You are always busy with work, kids, chores, you dont show me affection e,t,c. I use to believe all these and now know this has nothing to do with me.

In terms of family, as far as I am aware, no one other than his immediate elder sister who isnt married is in support of him. His mum has advised that I take care of myself and take it one day at a time. My parents are abroad and will be here in Autumn so I can let them know everything. They are partially aware and have never been in support. Its been overwhelming but I am trying to stay sane for both of my kids. Thanks for your perspective, I appreciate it.

Glad you are thinking of leaving. You are worth more than this. It's not really a marriage in any meaningful sense any more, is it?

How very kind of you. I am working on this atm...I am trying to get my finance in check. I was off work for a while due to child care but now getting my career back on track. Thank you for understanding. I used to think I played a part but I now know better. I appreciate your kind words.

Divorce him. Then get STD tests.

Thank you so much! If only you knew how much the kind words on this thread has given me some power. I know I can do it and will be working hard to get myself on track. Thank you for your perspective, I really do appreciate it.

@QuietMama2 I voted YABU because there is no point continuing this relationship.

Cheating once is a mistake, twice is taking the piss, and three times just shows that he has no respect for you whatsoever.

I would kick him out immediately.

So three times he has broken your trust and disrespected you, and possibly even more importantly he has put your health at risk. And yet you feel you can trust him and feel safe around him?

And what is even worse, is he was caught flirting with another woman, he says he didn't sleep with her, so why wouldn't he do everything he could to prove to you that you are his priority and get the STD test for your peace of mind. Especially given he's cheated twice before?

He will cheat again. I have no doubt.

I really hope there are no children in this situation as they will grow up thinking that this is okay and it is most definitely not.

Hes just going to keep cheating and you accept this why op?

Get rid, u r worth more.

No matter how hard it is, one thing is a dead cert - there is no way you will ever be happy with him, there is a good chance you will be happy without him. It’s a no brainier. Staying means feeling like this, forever.

he will never change?!

run away now

You are having marriage counseling to help you get out of the marriage? I don't see that you have a marriage.

I'm sorry but do you value yourself so little that you allow him to disrespect you in this way?
He's been unfaithful, not once but 3 times and by forgiving him you're allowing him to treat you appallingly. Get rid of him . There's no excuse for his behaviour. He wants to act like a single man then so be it. You deserve better. And for heaven's sake get yourself tested.

Step 1 - book yourself an STI check. Leave his bits to fall off for all you care, it’s not coming near you again anyway.
Step 2 - get your finances in order and speak to a solicitor.
Step 3 - once your confident you’ve done all you can to protect your financial position, get some cheap bin liners and start his crap in to them.

You either accept a lifetime of misery and risk your health, or get rid now. Ignore his begging. Show your kids that you, and they, should never accept being walked all over.
You deserve so much better, and you know that op xxx

I can only reiterate what others have said.
3 affairs in ten years (that you know about). He has constantly been on the prowl. Affairs don't just happen, there is a lot of build up.

You deserve so much better.

He's horrible and he doesn't deserve you. You sound lovely and are deserving of SO much better.

What a complete shit to use his kids to bully you into staying.

My honest advice would be to dump him. He's a liar and a serial cheat and that's very unlikely to change. You will never be able to trust him. After what he's done I wouldn't want to be in the same room as him let alone be intimate. Get yourself an STI test and see a solicitor. You deserve MUCH better than this OP 💐