To stop bending over backwards to accommodate anxiety

[indecisive28]

My brother suffers terribly from anxiety and I genuinely feel for him, it has a massive impact on his life and I do my best to make things easier where I can. However there are times where it's a real inconvenience, he can't see past himself so doesn't see the impact it has on others and I'm getting tired of it.

Some typical examples:

I have to plan things meticulously when I would much rather just see how the day goes, for example he needs to know exactly when food will be served if I'm hosting people so that he can arrive later and not feel pressure to eat in front of people. He could easily just arrive and say that he has eaten already but for some reason won't.

If we are both invited anywhere, he won't drive so expects me to take him, sometimes this is fine, (I'm going anyway) but it means I can't choose to stay over and have a drink.

He thinks it's okay to decide at the very last minute whether he feels up to doing something, this inevitably prevents me from making other plans.

All of these are things he feels he needs in order to manage his anxiety but there is a real lack of awareness.

I want to reset some boundaries but still be supportive. Any thoughts?

Planning the day is just good manners. At least as far as my ASD brain is concerned. I don’t know how NT people manage without a schedule.

If you can’t be specific, at least provide a time range. the meal will start sometime between 12-2 so arrive after 3 to be safe.

the rest of it, you just say no. You don’t have to be your brother’s assistant. Make your own plans and don’t wait for him. Tell him you will likely be drinking and he needs to plan a ride of his own. Even if you decide not to have a drink, he then at least is covered.

How old is your brother? Is he on medication and having counselling?

He’s your brother, not your child. Do things without him. Tell him what you’re doing, however you want to do it, including things like not being sure if you’ll stay over or not so can’t drive him home. He can sort his own taxi out.

It isn’t enough to identify the problem and then expect everyone to work around it. He needs to identify the problem and then do something about it.

Of course it’s nice to make sure he can be involved in stuff, but it actually isn’t your job. Say no sometimes, tell him you can’t give anymore detail as the day isn’t planned sometimes. Then do it his way other times for important family occasions or whatever:

Feel empowered to say you are staying over, and he may do the same or drive himself.

What is he doing to manage/deal with this?

Counselling/medication?

I've suffered with severe anxiety issues for years and have had a lot of CBT, therapy, and trying different medications.

If he's an adult he needs to be doing something about it.

And why can't you just stay over somewhere if you want to? Tell him that's happening and he's welcome to either join you or not if that doesn't work for him.

Planning the day is just good manners.

It really isn’t.

Things change. other people have good ideas. One things leads into something unexpected.

When there’s plans, there’s people who moan about the time, and rush you to the next thing.

Assuming you’re both adults why are you even having this level of involvement with him? You live you life as you want, and tell him sorry brother, I can’t give you a lift/tell you exact plans as I’m not driving/don’t know the plan/I’m busy that day. If you both end up invited to the same event tell him he can plan his own transport/timings etc in the way that makes him most comfortable but you’ll be doing the same, so you’ll just see him there. Is he getting help? You’re not his mother or his chauffeur!

For times when you want to drink, how would you normally get to and from the venue? Bus? Train? Uber? Just do that.

Food served - give an hour's time frame or 'deffo by 7' kind of answer.

Can you talk to him about how accommodating his anxiety impacts you? There's anxious and there's selfish.

I’m also ND (ADHD) and find strict plans too claustrophobic and stifling, if there are too many too far in advance I’ll just forget (yes, even if I write them all down). Yes, you need to plan things like travelling to an airport or making a dinner reservation but a day out with friends can easily be more casual and “go with the flow”. It isn’t an NT vs ND thing.

You've set yourself up by always worrying what works for him. In future tell him your plans and he can go with you or not as he sees fit

you could reduce the frequency or completely cease seeing him with other people, or if you do, just do what’s best for you personally, eg say you’re unsure of the plan, get cabs or stay over. See him 1:1 and have options for things you can do that day or evening if he cancels.

Hi. This is my brother too. Unfortunately this is just something you need to deal with and can't dictate. It must be really, really hard for him and I'm proud of him for just showing up. My brother doesn't come anywhere and makes up excuses last minute because of his anxiety. All I want is for him to be happy :( Hope you are okay, definitely reach out and talk to him about how he's feeling, he'll likely need a lot of support. Don't get annoyed, he'll just feel worse xx

But the OP doesn't have to deal with this. She's been more than generous so far -- and I say this as someone who both struggles with food AND can't drive (from anxiety). But this stuff is mine alone to deal with, not anyone else's responsibility. I get myself places on public transport, walking, cycling or taxis, or I don't go, and I deal with food stuff myself, and am working on both in therapy. No one else's life should be disrupted at all because of my restrictions.

He’s lucky to have you. Having someone around that gets that you’re not just being difficult is worth its weight in gold. I would just communicate those couple of issues to him and see if you can work it out.

He's your brother. Do you have to hang out with him?

I have severe anxiety. In fact a severe panic disorder. It’s really shitty.

But, I would never dream of impacting other people’s lives like this. The thought of being a pain in the ass / a burden is actually anxiety inducing in itself.

Please prioritise yourself and your plans. He will need to find a way to be independent.

The best thing for me is to work out the worst case scenarios. I find planning days out and nights out much easier when I realise the worse case scenario isn’t that bad!!

Start by going grey rock about some (not all) things. Don’t make plans 100% certain, be vague (sometimes) and don’t bend on what YOU want to do.

You’re entitled to enjoy your life the way you want to ☺️

How old is he? I have to live with horrid, horrid anxiety - If he's an adult, you just get on with your life or else he'll never learn to cope (be that in the form of medication, therapy, coping processes etc). If he's a child it's different. He'll still need therapy, cps etc, but he's not able yet to understand.

I think you need to find a medium place. I would absolutely make allowances for my siblings in this way- but they would also have to accept that sometimes I can't or that I need some more autonomy, in those instances we either do something together....or we don't. I think you've got a good handle on his boundaries, now you need to communicate with him about yours.

I’d just say this is the vague plan. Come or don’t. No pressure either way. You don’t have to accommodate every little detail. If it means he can’t come to some things that’s not on you. If you drive and at the last minute decide to stay over he’ll have to get a taxi home. You’re not his mother and he isn’t a child. You don’t have to bend over backwards for him all the time

You can support him, but you don’t need to enable him. What type of help is he getting for his anxiety?

I’m diagnosed with GAD and have had counselling and take medication. It enables me to deal with situations far better and I don’t expect other people to support me to the extent that you do.

As adults, we need to take responsibility for our own issues.

It's ok to set your own boundaries, OP, even if that means your brother chooses not to join you because it doesn't suit him.

And it IS a choice. He can choose to feel the anxiety (or risk having to tell people he ate before he came, or whatever) or he can choose to opt out of the outing.

You are still allowed to do things the way you want to sometimes.

Mmmmm. This anxiety is making him rather selfish. It can become rather controlling and you can actually end up enabling the anxiety further. I would have to set some boundaries to make his see that your needs and wants are important too. Of course you will help him but everything should nt revolve around him because that won't actually help him make any progress.

Wow so many helpful responses, thank you. just heading out for the day but will reply to questions and read properly later. :)

Is he neurodivergent?

I don’t think you need to live your life around him or accommodate him. However, be prepared to see far less of him as a result.

Just make the plans that suit you best, and if he can’t fit in, that’s up to him.

If you want to drink at an event, just tell him you are getting train/bus/taxi/whatever.