To stop bending over backwards to accommodate anxiety

[indecisive28]

My brother suffers terribly from anxiety and I genuinely feel for him, it has a massive impact on his life and I do my best to make things easier where I can. However there are times where it's a real inconvenience, he can't see past himself so doesn't see the impact it has on others and I'm getting tired of it.

Some typical examples:

I have to plan things meticulously when I would much rather just see how the day goes, for example he needs to know exactly when food will be served if I'm hosting people so that he can arrive later and not feel pressure to eat in front of people. He could easily just arrive and say that he has eaten already but for some reason won't.

If we are both invited anywhere, he won't drive so expects me to take him, sometimes this is fine, (I'm going anyway) but it means I can't choose to stay over and have a drink.

He thinks it's okay to decide at the very last minute whether he feels up to doing something, this inevitably prevents me from making other plans.

All of these are things he feels he needs in order to manage his anxiety but there is a real lack of awareness.

I want to reset some boundaries but still be supportive. Any thoughts?

Planning the day is just good manners. Did you miss the bit where OP says that her brother won't decide until the last minute? Why should he get to demand she plans ahead and not extend her the same courtesy? OP he's your brother, not your husband or child. Yes it's nice to help when you can, but that shouldn't be at the expense of you living your life to the full.

Research how to create some boundaries and say “Actually that doesn’t work for me”

I understand both sides.
It's very difficult.
I have a GAD, my husband makes a huge effort.
It's just the two of us, though.
In my case (applied only to myself), although no problems in marriage, I cannot wait till I'm finally able to move into an apartment (back in my own country) and shut the door.
Conscious and happy choice.
No medication to "become different".
Sorry.

Tight: from OP’s end of things the best thing to do is be empathetic but boundaried.

eg. “Bro you are anxious abiut x,y,z? That sounds hard. Im sure you can work it out. Hope to see you at event! Sorry if you can’t make it.”

In helping him you are really preventing him from finding workable solutions on his own.

You appear to have been very accommodating and understanding, but you can’t allow his inability to cope to dictate your social life. Hopefully he is taking steps to manage his feelings, and part of this must be by definition be attempting to control his need to have very rigid plans.
The suggestion upthread of saying “food between 12 and 2pm” so he can make a decision on when to arrive or agreeing to take him but to arrange another means of getting home if he wants to leave at a specific time or not stay over gives you flexibility. His cancelling at the last minute and leaving you in the lurch - unacceptable. He either needs to find tools to help him cope with anxious thoughts and put them aside sufficiently to consider someone else's feelings in the moment or accept he’s going to be left out more often as you make plans without him.
My personal experience is anxiety makes people incredibly selfish - they are so busy ruminating on their own feelings they simply don’t allow any bandwidth to consider anyone else. (they may say they feel bad for letting someone else down, but again the feelings are focussed entirely on how that makes THEM feel, not how the other person feels). It’s very draining.
Does your brother’s anxiety relate to social issues only or does it include his health and other things?

I have this issue with one of my loved ones. Basically I had to put a limit on the things I’d do to accommodate the anxiety.

it actually felt like I was being involved in their anxiety related behaviour- particularly procrastinating and rituals. It didn’t seem to be actually helping them and it felt frustrating to be repeating stuff only for them to seem just as uncomfortable as they were before!

I have just been nice about it and said they can make one request of me and that’s it. When I have the headspace for more, I give more.

This. I'd help him where I could but I certainly wouldnt be having my entire life revolve around him. That wouldnt be healthy for my mental health and thats just as important as his.

Planning the day is just good manners. At least as far as my ASD brain is concerned. I don’t know how NT people manage without a schedule.

It isn’t ’good manners’ at all. It’s simply your personal preference, which is not more important than anyone else’s.

If someone finds a schedule to be tedious and inflexible, it isn’t ’good manners’ to expect them to set one simply to keep you happy. Their event doesn’t revolve around you.

Oh no absolutely not! It's the brother who's dictating everything, op shouldn't have to live in his restrictions.

If we are both invited anywhere, he won't drive so expects me to take him, sometimes this is fine, (I'm going anyway) but it means I can't choose to stay over and have a drink

Sometimes I would drive and sometimes I would say no- depending on how I felt/if I fancied a drink. If that means he cant go, then so be it.

I have to plan things meticulously when I would much rather just see how the day goes, for example he needs to know exactly when food will be served if I'm hosting people so that he can arrive later and not feel pressure to eat in front of people

I am serving dinner between 12-1pm

He thinks it's okay to decide at the very last minute whether he feels up to doing something, this inevitably prevents me from making other plans

I'd love you to come, if I dont hear back from you by 1pm, then I'll assume we arent going and I shall make other plans.

None of this is mean or unkind, it's putting healthy boundaries in place.

Is he doing anything to help himself - CBT, antidepressants etc, talking therapy?
How old is he?
Do you often plan joint days out?

Planning has nothing to do with manners.

I just had to reread it again as thought this was your DH, not brother! If you want to go and have a drink, then do that. I wouldn't be letting him control everything.

Saying exactly when people will be eating is difficult (for me anyway). Maybe you can give him an estimate and text him when you're nearly done?

Isn't he prepared to get a taxi home if you want to make other plans?

He thinks it's okay to decide at the very last minute whether he feels up to doing something, this inevitably prevents me from making other plans.

This is the one I'd draw the line on. I'd say you can't commit to plans in advance with him for the reason you've said. You need control of your own time.

What's going to happen if a day isn't planned? My best days have been spontaneous, especially in the summer when you can stay out late outside. I get more anxious where stuff is planned sometimes, because invariably things will happen to disrupt the planned day.

For the pp who used the word 'enabling', that's wrong it's 'accommodating', but even so the OP can set their own boundaries.
I guess the events being referred to are family get-togethers, which makes it harder to refuse to accommodate the DB, but people don't understand that anxiety is crippling, it controls a person, and whilst in the grip of it, it might not be possible just to take a tablet or have some therapy. It's hold is terrifying and whilst it might be restrictive for the OP to accommodate the DB, the benefit he gets from socialising and getting out with a supportive DSis will be immense - probably of more benefit to him than the inconvenience to the DSis, although as I said, it is her choice whether to provide this support and accommodation.

Planning the day is just good manners. At least as far as my ASD brain is concerned. I don’t know how NT people manage without a schedule.

To be bunt, that's your problem not other people's. Life isn't run to schedules, and there's a degree of learning to cope with others more relaxed attitudes to how things run required on your part.

OP, you can do so much but your brother also needs to be developing coping strategies. And that might mean him pitching in for a taxi for double invites rather than depending on you driving.

There's anxiety and control, I'd have less to do with him

This.

It’s just not your job or role to be changing your life/schedule for him.

(as an aside, I got REBT with hypnotherapy for anxiety issues I had and it was fucking brilliant. Changed my life in six sessions)

for example he needs to know exactly when food will be served if I'm hosting people so that he can arrive later and not feel pressure to eat in front of people.

I would just say, ‘I don’t know-sorry, it’ll be at some point in the afternoon but I can’t confirm when exactly’

If we are both invited anywhere, he won't drive so expects me to take him, sometimes this is fine, (I'm going anyway) but it means I can't choose to stay over and have a drink

Just to let you know that I’m going to have a drink and stay over for X’s party, so you might want to drive separately.

I wouldn’t make it any more complicated than that. He can not come if he doesn’t like it.

My brother is in his fifties and is like this (and always has been). We just let him do his thing. If he turns up, he turns up, if he doesn't, he doesn't. He does drive himself, though.

Is it just anxiety ?
Or is he neurodivergent as well, they do often go together.
It might impact on how best to support him.

How much weed does he smoke?

You really need to sit down and explain to him how you feel and everything you have told us.

If you can't do that then write him a letter but consider your wording carefully.

If you don't get this out in the open, resentment will just build up.