To stop bending over backwards to accommodate anxiety

[indecisive28]

My brother suffers terribly from anxiety and I genuinely feel for him, it has a massive impact on his life and I do my best to make things easier where I can. However there are times where it's a real inconvenience, he can't see past himself so doesn't see the impact it has on others and I'm getting tired of it.

Some typical examples:

I have to plan things meticulously when I would much rather just see how the day goes, for example he needs to know exactly when food will be served if I'm hosting people so that he can arrive later and not feel pressure to eat in front of people. He could easily just arrive and say that he has eaten already but for some reason won't.

If we are both invited anywhere, he won't drive so expects me to take him, sometimes this is fine, (I'm going anyway) but it means I can't choose to stay over and have a drink.

He thinks it's okay to decide at the very last minute whether he feels up to doing something, this inevitably prevents me from making other plans.

All of these are things he feels he needs in order to manage his anxiety but there is a real lack of awareness.

I want to reset some boundaries but still be supportive. Any thoughts?

I know a couple of people who do the last minute deciding thing, all of which have some element of social anxiety. One is a very old friend who I still very much want to see.

Ive found that putting my own boundaries in around this has helped immeasurably.

So, for example I’ll meet her for a wander round the shops and coffee or dinner. But I won’t invite her for a meal because I don’t mind the first being cancelled, but I do mind the second because I’ll have bought ingredients, prepped etc.

I’ll often make plans with her last minute because I try and do things on days I don’t have anything else planned. Or I’ll plan something which I would enjoy anyway- eg cinema- and still go if she cancels.

She doesn’t have a child, but I’ll only do very child friendly things with her and my kids, so they’ll still really enjoy the day if she doesn’t come. Whereas I’d offer more adult stuff to another child free friend and expect the children to accommodate.

Ah OP, a lot resonates here.

I have only just realised after 40+ years that my brother is definitely ND. I broached it with him recently and am gently encouraging him to seek counselling from someone who specialises in neurodiversity (likely ASD in his case).

My brother lives with us but his anxiety doesn't have as big an impact as you are describing although we do quietly accommodate him as much as we can. We have a very open relationship so I could say "no I can't drive you tonight" for example.

He also will seek help when things are worse, which is important to me. I wonder if you should have a gentle chat with your brother about the ways you can and cannot support him and then explain where he could seek help for the anxiety and / or ND diagnosis. If he chooses not to engage that is his choice and you can't take responsibility and you must tell yourself that when you feel guilty for the areas you cannot accommodate him in order to enjoy your own life.

Sending love and strength. He ain't heavy, he's my brother.

Because through my work the majority of people with “anxiety” smoke weed, which not only makes them more anxious it generally makes them bloody selfish too.

Personally I wash my hands of anyone in my private life that smokes weed and then moans about anxiety as it is their own fault.

Too many people just say it’s “not addictive”, but it DOES cause anxiety and self absorbed behaviour.

To the people suggesting those with anxiety should get counselling and support so they can hurry up and get over it and stop inconveniencing others - you seem to have have missed the memo about the current state of mental health services in the UK.

I think there’s a point where accommodation becomes enablement.

i think it is fine to say “it’s a bbq so I don’t know when we will eat. there will be food all day probably. If you aren’t comfortable with saying you aren’t hungry or already ate and don’t want to come l because of it that’s fine”

”blah blah blah can you change your plans”

“like I said you can do x or y or not come - it’s your choice.”

my db has social anxiety - I support him but I have 2 small kids and a busy life so can’t be jumping through hoops all the time.

I don't think that. I do, however, think you are responsible for managing your own MH, by whatever processes you have access to. I have never been able to learn to drive, for instance, but I do not make that someone else's problem, as the OP's brother appears to. I get myself places off my own bat by whatever means are possible, or I don't go.

You’re not wrong about the state of MH services, @Areolaborealis , but the OP’s update suggests that her brother hasn't actually tried to get any help.

I've tried to encourage therapy but he doesn't have money and doesn't have faith in NHS support.

I have a relative who’s currently having talking therapy and he’s also in a support group for people with similar diagnoses, which helps him to feel less alone with his struggles (both through the NHS). Resources may be available in her brother’s area.

So you just made an assumption? Weird!

I'd do this. Try to step back a bit to avoid building resentment.

My sympathy, it is very difficult to manage life with someone suffering, and that is the word, with severe anxiety. To all those who think GAD can be cured, well, often it can't. It can be managed, but sometimes it's incapacitating.
Counselling may help. Mine didn't. It was supposted to be CBT but wasn’t.
My 2nd time, waited 14 months fir was worse. I forced my srlf to the appointment, shaking like a leaf, but desperately hoping for help. 2 minutes into the first sesdion, my Counsellor, who had never met me before, announced "I don't think you want to get better'
As by this stage I would've sawn my leg off with a bread knife to find some relief, I realised she was wasting her time and mine. I was gutted.
So finding help is not easy nor quick nor vertain.
The only thing that helped was diazepam, not taken daily, taken an hour before leaving home. But you try getting it now, it's as if one's asked for a big bag of crystal meth. Apparently it's better to be housebound and feel utterly awful, than to take a pill occasionally.
But, you need to try to ease back at least bit at a time. You sound as if you're your brother's carer. That's an exhausting job that can take over your social life and the rest of it too.
All I can suggest is having the difficult conversations. Setting some boundaries, and finding a way which enables you to have a guilt free life of your own. There's no right or wrong way, so work on sorting out ways to cope with the various situations. Lots of people have made suggestions.
I wish you all the best.

@IamMoodyBlue I agree that GAD can’t be cured, it’s a chronic condition that can hopefully be managed.

I’ve accepted that I’ll always be on medication and if I need more help in the future, I’ll have to try and get it.
I’m determined not to let this stupid anxiety rule my life.
Best of luck. 💐