To stop bending over backwards to accommodate anxiety

[indecisive28]

My brother suffers terribly from anxiety and I genuinely feel for him, it has a massive impact on his life and I do my best to make things easier where I can. However there are times where it's a real inconvenience, he can't see past himself so doesn't see the impact it has on others and I'm getting tired of it.

Some typical examples:

I have to plan things meticulously when I would much rather just see how the day goes, for example he needs to know exactly when food will be served if I'm hosting people so that he can arrive later and not feel pressure to eat in front of people. He could easily just arrive and say that he has eaten already but for some reason won't.

If we are both invited anywhere, he won't drive so expects me to take him, sometimes this is fine, (I'm going anyway) but it means I can't choose to stay over and have a drink.

He thinks it's okay to decide at the very last minute whether he feels up to doing something, this inevitably prevents me from making other plans.

All of these are things he feels he needs in order to manage his anxiety but there is a real lack of awareness.

I want to reset some boundaries but still be supportive. Any thoughts?

Planning the day is just good manners

It depends on the day TBH. If we invite people over for a BBQ, there'll be food going for ages. We could say "we'll start around 5ish", but depending on how the fire behaves, what people want, what people bring, when people arrive it could be earlier or later. And we could still be cooking bits a couple of hours later. Because it's a casual arrangement.

If we are doing Christmas Dinner, we will plan to eat at, say, 1. But we aren't setting alarms to be up to make sure meat is in the oven by a certain time. We have a small child so we like to enjoy the morning with her. Therefore we may be later starting dinner. Veg doesn't always roast in an exact amount of time. Guests might be late.

A day out. We'll probably aim to arrive somewhere at a certain time to avoid the rush hour time of whatever it is. But the rest of the day we will play by ear. We'll go see whatever it is we want to see, play on whatever the kids do, and make our way to somewhere to eat that seems good when we're hungry. We'll go home when we're ready. No plans.

If, however, we're saying "come for dinner, we eat at 530", we will be done by 630 and could tell you that. Because DD needs to eat by a certain time so we don't then have to push back bedtime etc.

Plans don't always pan out.

Is catering to his anxiety actually helping him?

I have battled anxiety and depression for decades, and it has never entered my mind to make others accommodate me. It is my illness to deal with.

Honestly, OP, you need to hang out with friends more and db less, while encouraging your db to get more and/or better help. He owes it to YOU, and the others in his life, to do his utmost to get well.

A lot of very anxious people have a complete blind spot about how it affects the people around them. think the only way to manage is by being very honest - I know this is what you feel that you have to do, DB, but it is a real imposition on us to do things this way and in this instance I cant tell you in advance/drive/etc etc. The job when we have any kind of MH problem is not to reshape the world to accommodate us, but to learn to cope in the world. But doing what he is doing, he is actually making his anxiety worse, and imposing on you.

The more he doesn’t do things that he finds difficult the anxiety will just get worse. I know it’s hard but he has to expose himself to these things as each time you do it’s less difficult the next time and eventually the anxiety will wain. I know it’s not easy I say this with a child who has major anxiety and ED you can’t ignore the issues it is enabling them to get worse. It can get better but HE needs to make the effort to fix it.

@chaostherapy You're right, I should’ve use “ accommodating” instead.

Her brother does need to realize though that it’s not fair to restrict the OP’s socializing due to his needs. When my anxiety was crippling and I was having panic attacks, I tried hard not to ask my DH to accommodate me too much. With the OP’s situation, I think her brother shouldn’t rely on her driving him there and back every time, for example, she has every right to stay over/have a drink if she wishes.

If her brother isn’t seeking help yet, he really should. It can be life-changing.

@GingerPirate I’m sorry that you’re battling GAD, it’s an awful illness 💐. It’s great that your DH is so supportive, mine was as well and I’m sure that you don’t restrict your DH’s socializing if he wants to go out without you.

Re. Medication. I can only share my own experience, but all I can say is that taking a low dose anti-depressant has changed my life. I’m not a different person, I’m a less anxious me! It means that I can do what I want with my life without feeling terrified and having panic attacks.

Hm.
Thank you for sharing, glad the stuff helped you!
Thing is, of course I tried in the past.
Stuff just turned me into a zombie and that's
not practical at the moment.
Maybe later in life again!

@GingerPirate I did have to try a couple, Sertraline was a disaster for me. I’m now on Escitalopram, it suits me far better.

You seem to do a lot of things with your brother. Does he live with you? If not, just don’t go out with him so often.

You need to put boundaries in place or simply put, communicate better:

If you both are invited to stay, tell him you are happy to give him a lift but that you are staying over so he needs to find a place to stay or a lift back.

If you have plans before or after a get together, let him know as soon as you can so he can decide if he still wants to go, wants to find a lift there or back or half way.

If your plans depend on him coming or not, let him know he needs to tell you no later than x day in advance.

If he decides to come at the last minute, ok if it works for you but don’t cancel your plans if he changes his mind at the last minute.

I have suffered from anxiety, if everyone had pandered to it, I would have been ill for longer. Baby steps out of your comfort zone will get him out of it faster than change everything after it.

@indecisive28 you are neither his carer nor his chauffeur!! if he wants to go anywhere, then he gets himself to that place!!

Where did you get that from ?

I agree that anxiety can make people incredibly selfish. I say that as someone who has suffered with it on/off myself. I don’t think you can reasonably expect anyone to accommodate your anxieties beyond what they’re comfortable with.
I have a friend who goes mad if I don’t reply to a text within half an hour and it’s exhausting. She thinks it’s ok to behave that way because ‘anxiety’ but is never actively trying to fix it

I’m going to take it as a given that he’s autistic.
In which case it’s entirely understandable that he is like this.
It doesn’t mean you have to always be available at the snap of his fingers though. If you don’t want to do things his way because they’re inconvenient or awkward, let him know- perhaps let him know in advance e.g. next week I’m doing this, at this time. If that’s inconvenient for you you’re welcome to come if you’re free at that time.

I'll go against the grain

Would you be OK with someone with coeliac disease cancelling plans when they feel unwell?

Would you agree to cook food at a certain time to accommodate someone with diabetes if they need to eat?

If DB has genuine anxiety which causes certain issues, then I think you should treat it as seriously as you would a physical health issue

Interesting reading everyone's thoughts.

He's not diagnosed autistic but I think he probably is.

It's a genuine struggle, he's not a bad person but in ime mental health issues often appear selfish and this is no different - he just can't see past his own issues.

I do lots of things without him, but almost everything that he does (that's out of the ordinary) involves me, not for any reason other than the fact I try to accommodate him and he's comfortable with me.

I am very aware that I have created this situation but I guess I hoped he would gradually improve and he hasn't. He does try to help himself but often focuses on the wrong things - he imagines things will get better when he fixes tangible 'outside' things, maybe not recognising that actually the problem is with him. I've tried to encourage therapy but he doesn't have money and doesn't have faith in
NHS support.

I don't really know what I wanted from this thread but what I've taken from it, is that the benefit to him is likely more than the inconvenience to me. Where it's a particularly issue, I'll speak up but in general, I'll just suck it up. It's a small price to pay.

Appreciate the feedback, thanks

@indecisive28 So he’s not getting any help at all for his anxiety (no counseling or medication)?

I hate to say this, but his situation is unlikely to improve unless he accepts help. Diagnosed anxiety is an illness, just like heart disease or breaking a bone and needing medical treatment . I battled it for years before accepting that it’s no different from any other medical condition. I wouldn’t drag around a broken leg without seeking treatment, so why drag around anxiety? Best of luck. 💐

Depends how much you care about your brother and how much this really affects you really. I mean you can choose to ignore all of his requests but you’ll likely not be able to spend time with him.
Have you actually tried talking to him about this? Tried to compromise? Because if you haven’t then it’s time to talk it out.

I find it a bit strange to post a query like this just before you're about to go out for the entire day and won't be checking all phone or anything else so that you can read replies and see if any questions have been left for you.

So we all waited many hours for you to come back and when you did you didn't answer any of the questions. Did you even read all the replies?

Hmm... I read this as someone with anxiety so bad that I can't drive or eat in front of people most of the time... and thought "wow, you're harsh OP. Anxiety is hard to live with". Then I realised that I don't let my inability to drive or weird eating habits affect anyone else. I don't ask for lifts or any accommodations because other people's comfort is more important than mine. Maybe you're brother needs telling how his anxiety is taking it's toll on you.

Yes, how dare you have a life outside of Mumsnet, OP!

There comes a time when you realise that instead of living in the real world, he is existing in the safe world you have created for him. That’s all well and good, but it’s not sustainable (or fair) for either of you. You are probably going to have to pull back gradually for your MH and his independence. Does he have a social worker you could discuss this with?

Its not his choice to have a disabling anxiety disorder - he's not being selfish. If family gatherings always invole doing things that you know trigger his anxiety, like eating, maybe it could be suggested that he engage in a different way with less pressure eg, smaller group, walk instead of meal, skype or similar.

You can enjoy the gathering without him.

Does he work? If he has an Employee Assistance Program st work he would be able to get free counselling there, as well as other assistance with his condition.

Just do what you can but make sure you look after your own health and don’t be trampled on. People with Elderly parents will understand how you are feeling and that its very important to have good boundaries, know what you can and cannot do, and look after yourself because it can be exhausting and have a big impact on your health to be dealing with this long term.