To dislike children's birthday parties?

[NanananananananaBATman]

My DS has three in the next week, reception age about to go up to year one so I assume parents are expected to stay. It is my idea of hell having to be 'on' and sociable because I'm neurodiverse and bordering on burnout.

I have a gift budget of £10 each which seems to be the minimum people tend to spend, fine if there's 1 birthday but expensive when there are 3. I have bills that cost less.

I grin and bear it for my DC but am I being unreasonable to really dislike this part of parenting?

I know that. I'm just having a bit of a moan 🙂

I usually smile, say hello and do the pleasantries. Then I put my headphones on and listen to a podcast. I'm not really listening to anything but it dulls out the noise, people stop talking to me and I watch my child while pretending.

Yep, hate them as well!

All the standing around, making polite chitchat with people I have ZERO interest in chitchatting with, getting wildly overstimulated with all the noise and running around.

Fortunately, my 2 are coming up for 8 on their next birthday, and I'm just starting to notice a turn to small gatherings for the closest friends only, which are much calmer. Rather than the manic 20-30 kids of their first few years in school.

Round my way, £5 is the upper limit to the budget - kids get £5 in a card or something like a sticker book/craft set/drawing pad+felts. If I were you, I'd cut the present budget in half.

You say you're matey with some of the parents already?

Now granted, I do have an autistic child, but if a parent I knew said to me "I'm finding this too much because of my sensory issues, can you watch Luke while I go for a walk/sit in the car for a bit?" then I would happily help.

Some hall parties might also have some quieter bits like the kitchen that you can hang out in while "being on call" for your child, so long as your child and another parent knows where you are.

Try not to be so miserable.

I am not sure many parents actually enjoy the parties.

Around here, £10 is about right. It's seen as VERY rude to drop and run at that age.

Try to see it another way: it's entertainment for your child, you get to see them having fun - which you don't get to see when they are at school and you are at work.

You don't like chitchat? Just take photos. Take photos of your own child, and try to get photos of every single other child, then plonk them on the whatsap group, with pics of the cake. Sorted.

So do I - don't remember the ones I didn't go to, though.

I don’t mind them. I think the entertainment payback for the cost of a present is actually pretty good. Taking the kids to soft play and feeding them there would cost a lot more than a party, for example. Obviously staying at home is cheaper but generally weekends with a party or two cost us less than weekends that don’t! And I generally don’t mind chatting to other parents. Most of them are nice people. But I appreciate that’s a very NT view!

If you are friendly with a few of them then can you organise rota so you take each others children and only need to do one in 3 for eg? They’re a bind for everyone so I’m sure others would like a chance to skip a few as well.

OP, I’m autistic too and it feels like many posters in here aren’t recognising the level of difficulty for us to socialise- ahem- hence we are diagnosed. and today we need to put the kids’ needs and interests first, well I’m sure that happens every day.

for me- I don’t say yes to every party. I can’t. Or a melt down occurs and that’s far worse. I do say yes to their close friends. Find modifications that work. Ear plugs. Movement breaks- getting the water bottle, or checking in with your kid, limiting times. My Dh is autistic too and has greater difficulty than me, so i tell him that I often need some time to recharge afterwards while he handles the kids.

If it’s a class party and not one of their close friends I think giving £5 is fine and maybe a bag of sweets. I’d give £10 for their close friends and probably more once they are abit older and no longer get invited to everyone’s party.

I love organising parties but hate making small talk, it will be much better when they are older and can just drop and go. It’s only a small amount of time and makes them so happy.

This is unnecessary. Have you read any of OPs replies?

Maybe go to a few less than you are invited to as a middle ground. It's a good chance to get to know the other children in the class and their parents.

There happened to be a couple of pretty violent kids in my child's year and pretty much always bloodshed at the parties! The parents of the violent kids always did drop and run even for four year olds. So it seemed sensible for me to be there in case my dd ever got on the wrong end of the bad behaviour. She never did though so maybe I was just PFB.

Good point!

Did you read the bit where OP said she was neurodiverse and close to burnout?

This! My eldest is reception, I really hope parties start becoming drop-off next year. I'm also autistic and generally hate them. I already have friends, so not bothered about making new ones. I find small talk tortuous and whilst the parents seem nice enough, I don't seem to have much in common with any that I've met so far with the exception of one couple that DH and I both seem to have gelled a bit better with. They are the parents of my kid's closest mate at school and live really nearby too so that's worked out pretty handy so far. It's also just such a waste of our time sitting around for hours at parties when we have so much we could be doing. I would actually have been fine for people to drop off at my child's party as there were lots of adults from family/family friends and not a huge group of kids, and not a large venue, which I did tell the parents, but they all stayed.

I would be a bit annoyed if a parent did this, would much rather they just declined the invitation. It’s a lot of responsibility looking after someone else’s 5 year old and even more challenging when you don’t know the child very well. While also trying to host the party and care for your own child, I would maybe say ok if put on the spot but massively resent what should of been a special day for us spoilt by the stress of the extra responsibility (have happily hosted drop off parties for 8-9 year olds but that is totally different and spent weeks psyching myself up for that) please please don’t do this to another parent!!!!

I understand. I feel awkward at these events. I do like seeing the children having fun but I would actually prefer to scroll my phone or read a book in the car!

@Blessedbethefruitz agreed with this, taking a craft to a kids party is definitely not polite in my book. I'm amazed you can concentrate on it anyway with kids running around and everything?!

My sil comes to family gatherings (I'm talking casual food with about 6 people) and knits. We mostly just affectionately think she's batty, but sometimes it is just rude.

@Fivebyfive2@MasterBeth I'm actually really surprised to hear this! The mums who know me (and me them) by name rather than 'ds name mum' already know I will put my stuff away if they appear - we're social in general and arrange things with the kids and message etc.

For the others - why would you specifically care that a woman who was, just like you, not invited but obligated to attend an event for their child, is sat quietly occupying herself and bothering no one instead of trying to make small talk with you? Do you feel we should all be obligated to socialise with strangers?

I wouldn't consider that rude at a children's party, where the adult isn't actually invited. You're only there because you have to help supervise your own child, you're not actually in attendance at the party! Me and DH often take a book to read at parties.

It would just seem to me like a "wall" that make me feel awkward about knowing if I could try and approach/make conversation. Same with the book @WhyamInotvomiting .

I don't know, I mean people can do what makes them comfortable but I just find it a bit odd when so many parents say they struggle with feeling lonely, have no village etc then so many just don't want to engage at all, it's like well it's no wonder people aren't making connections.

@NanananananananaBATman I’m sorry some posters have been rude about you being neurodivergent. Really unkind.

I am also ND and used to find the parties so incredibly stressful when mine were little. It’s not the same as being something you would rather not do, it actually left me feeling like I might have a panic attack, or I would have to make an excuse to leave and walk around alone for a few minutes.

Like OP, I put myself through it over and over again for the sake of my DC, but it’s dreadfully draining.

@Fivebyfive2 It is kind of a wall, for people I'm not already chatty with. I imagine like many mums of young kids, I'm bloody exhausted, I've not had a full night sleep in 5 years, and a kids party is one of the rare times I'm not working, being climbed on, or breastfeeding! And yes, I'm medicated for diagnosed anxiety.

I also take crafts to the park after school (if no playdate) and while travelling for work - I try to steal back some time when I'm being sent to Europe and back in a day, etc.

Sometimes I'm not up to pulling my end of engaging chit chat, it saves both me and the other person my extremely disjointed conversation! I chat with the mums and dads every day, I prompt and accept and host playdates, but I'm not a social butterfly.

I actively like them. I love seeing my child happy playing and am quite content chatting to other parents or joining in with the activities on offer if that's appropriate. Don't get me wrong if some aspect of the party isn't right for us (e.g. if the timing makes it hard work to get there) then I don't love the faff before or after but I enjoy the party itself.