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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Partner staying out until early hours… what would you do…

93 replies

Normalnot · 28/06/2024 23:10

In a nutshell my DH is lovely and we get on well. He works hard but when he gets together with ‘the boys’ he can’t seem to remove himself from the session. Never would he leave early he’s always one of the last there.

He was out with friends a few months back and ended up in a nightclub on his own as that was the only place open for alcohol. Got in about 5am and was so drunk. I let that go as I know he likes ‘one more drink’. Lost his phone etc - though hit it back as it was on the bar of the club.

Last weekend he done the same and got back about 4.30. Went with his married cousin to the same night club as every where else was closed. I was annoyed at this though but not as annoyed as his cousins wife. They have 3 kids and she was beyond angry as she didn’t know if he was ok as he wasn’t answering phone. At least my DH answered phone call though could barely speak!

Theres a group of them out again tonight for a birthday (out since 1pm today) and I’ve told him it’s not fair to keep doing that and there’s no need and he needs to learn self control. No one needs to be out 15 hours straight drinking- I’ve no problem with him going out seeing mates but I feel this extreme is taking the piss as I worry if he’s ok or fallen in a ditch etc… I don’t think he’s messing about with women as he can barely stand when he gets home!

He doesn’t really drink at home it’s just with the boys, they can’t seem to stop and you’d think they’re 18-25 not 40-50!

AIBU so say this is not acceptable and I’m not putting up with it? Some would say I’m controlling….

OP posts:
Normalnot · 28/06/2024 23:38

Anyone?

OP posts:
Gettingbysomehow · 28/06/2024 23:45

I wouldn't put up with this crap especially at his age. It would turn me right off him. is he a family man or a teenager, he needs to decide. Also if any partner of mine came home blind drunk he's be sleeping on a park bench.

TwattyMcFuckFace · 28/06/2024 23:46

I don't think it's controlling to expect a grown man to control himself around alcohol.

And it's not that "they can’t seem to stop", they just don't want to.

I like an all nighter with my friends now and then, but I've never caused my DH any worry or got so drunk I can hardly stand, or remember where I left my phone.

It's poor behavior and there's no excuse for it.

Lifeisamysterytome · 28/06/2024 23:51

I'd not be happy with this.
If he doesn't know when to stop he has a drinking problem.
What kind of " night club" did he end up in drinking by himself until morning? Are you talking about strip club or similar? He sounds totally pathetic if he is so desperate to drink he went there by himself.
I wouldn't be putting up with this irresponsible behaviour. Have you had a discussion about it? You can't control his drinking but you certainly be talking to him about how you feel about it.

Normalnot · 28/06/2024 23:54

Lifeisamysterytome · 28/06/2024 23:51

I'd not be happy with this.
If he doesn't know when to stop he has a drinking problem.
What kind of " night club" did he end up in drinking by himself until morning? Are you talking about strip club or similar? He sounds totally pathetic if he is so desperate to drink he went there by himself.
I wouldn't be putting up with this irresponsible behaviour. Have you had a discussion about it? You can't control his drinking but you certainly be talking to him about how you feel about it.

Edited

It’s a normal nightclub so not a strip club otherwise that would be the end of our marriage.

Yes I’ve told him if it happens again then there will be consequences as I’m not putting up with this.

OP posts:
Mothership4two · 29/06/2024 00:13

What's the frequency? OP you say a few months ago, last weekend and a birthday yesterday. Three times in how many months? It depends what you call 'a few'. To me it would be about 4-5, but that's me.

I wouldn't be overjoyed at OH going drinking until the early hours, going to any nightclubs and coming home drunk. Now and again I would put up with it, but I'd very clearly let him know my feelings about it!

Normalnot · 29/06/2024 00:24

Mothership4two · 29/06/2024 00:13

What's the frequency? OP you say a few months ago, last weekend and a birthday yesterday. Three times in how many months? It depends what you call 'a few'. To me it would be about 4-5, but that's me.

I wouldn't be overjoyed at OH going drinking until the early hours, going to any nightclubs and coming home drunk. Now and again I would put up with it, but I'd very clearly let him know my feelings about it!

Maybe in March around then? Then again last week. They’re not back home yet so it could be 3 times in 3 months yet. I think if I didn’t mention it then it could quite easily happen again

OP posts:
Mothership4two · 29/06/2024 00:35

So approximately monthly? No wouldn't be happy with that. Very selfish. And having all night 'sessions' and drinking for 15 hours straight is stupid, dangerous and immature.

You are not being controlling at all OP giving him consequences.

RampantIvy · 29/06/2024 00:44

If he is out until 5 am are you sure it is just alcohol keeping him awake?

AgentJohnson · 29/06/2024 00:50

Yes I’ve told him if it happens again then there will be consequences as I’m not putting up with this.

Is this true, or is it an empty threat? What are these mysterious ‘consequences’?

Normalnot · 29/06/2024 00:50

RampantIvy · 29/06/2024 00:44

If he is out until 5 am are you sure it is just alcohol keeping him awake?

I think so @RampantIvy as the Nick he comes home in, he would be fit for nothing of the sort. I can also see his location and he is in the town centre. You never know mind but I don’t think so.

I don’t think drugs or anything as he’s too straight laced 😂

OP posts:
BruFord · 29/06/2024 00:52

I don't think it's controlling to expect a grown man to control himself around alcohol. Agreed, @TwattyMcFuckFace. DH did this once early in our relationship and it’s never happened again, because I was literally up all night worrying about him-and I told him that!

Of course going out for a few drinks is fine; going AWOL until 5 am and getting home completely shitfaced isn’t. Tell him that.

Normalnot · 29/06/2024 00:53

AgentJohnson · 29/06/2024 00:50

Yes I’ve told him if it happens again then there will be consequences as I’m not putting up with this.

Is this true, or is it an empty threat? What are these mysterious ‘consequences’?

Well I hope I don’t have to follow through but I’ll definitely tell him that I’m not standing for it and it’s either acting like a 20 year old binge drinking or me as I’m too old for that rubbish

OP posts:
Normalnot · 29/06/2024 00:55

Thanks for the support all. I feel even more confident in my decision to give him an ultimatum if it happens again

OP posts:
Lemonchord · 29/06/2024 07:43

My husband does this every summer. We live in an unusual place and he works his arse off 7 days a week but people always drop in to have a drink with him and he finds it hard to say no. Then he gets carried away in the moment, he doesn't answer his phone. I'm hope with our 2 children. He tells me he will have a couple of drinks and then come home and he just doesn't, at all. He sleeps on the floor. I'm at my wits end, he did it last night and last Thursday. All night long I wake up at the slightest noise worrying if he is ok and thinking he might be home. Hé is a bit younger than me and his friends say things like "oh, she just doesn't remember how it is to be young". I t happens every summer, last summer I cried myself to sleep so many times I can't remember. I am so tired. I told him I might need to go to the doctor to get some sleeping tablets just so I can sleep at night. I took some xanax at 4am. I don't know what to do. I love him and I know he loves me, I don't think that he is screwing around.

Tulipblank · 29/06/2024 08:18

Grown man stays out late having a good time every so often? Don't see the issue. I assume he has to deal with the hangover the next day....

Monthly is maybe a bit much (purely based on the assumption that the next day is a write off), but every few months wouldn't bother me.

PaminaMozart · 29/06/2024 08:25

15 hours out drinking, as in getting pissed out of his skull?

How much is all this costing?

How many hours of family time/ contribution to household chores et cetera does he miss after each of these sessions?

What does he do to make up for his inconsiderate and childish behaviour?

When do you get to let your hair down?

Lemonchord · 29/06/2024 08:28

I replied to this but reply is hidden, possibly because I used à very mild swear word, possibly because I mentioned an anti anxiety drug that I use. I would like the admins to know that I live in a country where that was prescribed to me by my doctor as it is not légal in the UK.

I would really appreciate it if you show my reply as I am really struggling at the moment. Thank you

LlynTegid · 29/06/2024 08:29

Going out on the number of occasions, seems reasonable. Length of time and alcohol consumption on such occasions not.

Your ultimatum is good. You must stick to it though, no backing down, otherwise it is an empty threat.

Lifeisamysterytome · 29/06/2024 08:32

Tulipblank · 29/06/2024 08:18

Grown man stays out late having a good time every so often? Don't see the issue. I assume he has to deal with the hangover the next day....

Monthly is maybe a bit much (purely based on the assumption that the next day is a write off), but every few months wouldn't bother me.

So " grown man" going out and drinking solidly for 15 hours equals having a "good time" for you?
It's actually down right dangerous for the man's health and safety and worrying, upsetting and problematic for his family.

TheSerenePinkOrca · 29/06/2024 08:37

If he can't go out and stop after a couple of drinks then he needs to stop drinking.

It would be an absolute turn off for me.

RampantIvy · 29/06/2024 08:42

Why on earth do these immature men children have kids if they aren't prepared to be mature and responsible adults?

They need to get pulling all nighters out of their systems before they have children.

Universalsnail · 29/06/2024 08:42

How often is he doing this? I think two weekends in a row is a bit much and would irritate me but Id over look it if its someones birthday but if I read correctly the last time he did it was in March and then last week? That doesn't seem excessive tbh. He's a grown adult. Going out out once in a while is fine. I think you are being ott.

If however I read it wrong and he's doing this all the time more then once every couple of months or so then yeah then I think he needs to reign it in.

RampantIvy · 29/06/2024 08:44

Going out out once in a while is fine. I think you are being ott.

Going out is fine. Staying out until 5 am isn't when you have children.

Roundroundthegarden · 29/06/2024 08:47

So disgusting really.
40yo men going on benders to nightclubs. I wouldn't want to be with someone like this, such a poor example to the children.