Partner staying out until early hours… what would you do…

[Normalnot]

In a nutshell my DH is lovely and we get on well. He works hard but when he gets together with ‘the boys’ he can’t seem to remove himself from the session. Never would he leave early he’s always one of the last there.

He was out with friends a few months back and ended up in a nightclub on his own as that was the only place open for alcohol. Got in about 5am and was so drunk. I let that go as I know he likes ‘one more drink’. Lost his phone etc - though hit it back as it was on the bar of the club.

Last weekend he done the same and got back about 4.30. Went with his married cousin to the same night club as every where else was closed. I was annoyed at this though but not as annoyed as his cousins wife. They have 3 kids and she was beyond angry as she didn’t know if he was ok as he wasn’t answering phone. At least my DH answered phone call though could barely speak!

Theres a group of them out again tonight for a birthday (out since 1pm today) and I’ve told him it’s not fair to keep doing that and there’s no need and he needs to learn self control. No one needs to be out 15 hours straight drinking- I’ve no problem with him going out seeing mates but I feel this extreme is taking the piss as I worry if he’s ok or fallen in a ditch etc… I don’t think he’s messing about with women as he can barely stand when he gets home!

He doesn’t really drink at home it’s just with the boys, they can’t seem to stop and you’d think they’re 18-25 not 40-50!

AIBU so say this is not acceptable and I’m not putting up with it? Some would say I’m controlling….

Totally agree!

I’m 46 and a mother of two and I’ve occasionally fallen in a bush or got in from a night out with my friends in the early hours. So bloody what! My dh is free to do the same. We are not raging alchoholics.

My kids are teens now and I probably couldn’t be arsed to go out as often when they were younger but if I did plan a night out dh would merrily pick up the slack the next day as I would for him. I wouldn’t be with someone who begrudged me a night out and gave me a curfew! Horses for courses I suppose.

Depends on how old the " kids" are. If dad is over 40 they could be grown up

Am I the only one who has kids that try to persuade me to go clubbing with them, that think if we are all out together then what a hoot it is to get Mum to join in with the shots

I personally couldn't be with someone who drinks excessively regularly. My ex did sometimes and it made me feel very uncomfortable, especially when my DS were very young.

Sometimes I'd be woken up in the middle of the night by my baby/toddler and find him asleep on the sofa, the front door left open and the gas hob left on after he'd cooked something while drunk.

Thankfully I've remarried a lovely DH whose idea of drinking is one glass of wine or one small bottle of beer a couple of times a week.

I'm actually surprised by the number of people , not just those in this thread, who find drinking to excess not only acceptable but a normal fun way to behave. Despite the well documented consequences: strain on the NHS, domestic violence, crime, debt etc. And of course the effects on personal health and wellbeing.

I don't know how many of these people who say there is no harm in alcohol excess actually have experience in their own lives of alcohol abuse by themselves or by their partner or close relative.

I will declare an interest here because I have a problematic relationship with alcohol. I drink very little now but I'm constantly aware of my capacity to do so. I've also been married to an alcoholic and I mixed with very heavy drinkers for a chunk of my younger life. So I have a knowledge of alcohol abuse that quite frankly I would rather not have.

However when it comes down to the OP really what is important is what she finds acceptable to her. If her DH won't modify his behaviour she can't make him. So only she can decide whether the benefits of the relationship make it worthwhile staying with him.

@Lemonchord start a seperate thread. It sounds as though you do need to talk through your situation. People will need to ask you to clarify a few things, perhaps go onto relationships?

OP, pre children I think that this is fine, as long no plans are cancelled and your partner knows what's happening. After children then it depends on if both are pulling their weight. Some cities aren't safe to be drunk and alone in, that would be my worry. But out with mates, once a month is something I've done, as a woman/mum. At about 40 the night started to end by 2am.

Oh come off it. It's not common to die of alcohol poisoning because you went clubbing until 5am

Going out clubbing and getting drunk once ever very few months is not an alcohol problem.

People are being so melodramatic and ott here.

Of course it's not common to die of alcoholic poisoning .

But people being taken to hospital after excessive drinking bouts on a night out to have their stomach's pumped is common.
What do you think would happen to these people if this medical intervention wasn't available?

I'm not saying the guy shouldn't go out and enjoy a social drink. But I didnt think going to a club by yourself specifically just to extend your drinking was what " going clubbing" was about. I thought "going clubbing" was supposed to be about the music, dance and social interaction, not just getting off your face by yourself.

Perhaps if you think drinking for 15 hours is normal behaviour you should be examining your own relationship to alcohol?

Drink problem. Simple as that I'm afraid. Binge drinking to that degree every weekend is a form of functioning alcoholism. You've framed it as being a result of his social life, and minimised on the basis that some of mates are similar (but they are probably not all drinking as much or for as long on a session or as frequently). Speak to AA about it as they will have resources to support you (and him) when he's ready to come out of denial.

Did you even read the OP, this isn’t every weekend by any stretch of the imagination, don’t be so melodramatic.

The OP has never suggested her DH has been hospitalised you’re creating some kind of fantasy story now.

The OP hadn’t even mentioned they have kids 🤣

Similar behaviour but almost on a weekly basis was one of the reasons I divorced my ex. The money spent, the day wasted as he was nursing a hangover, the time he missed with the children, the bad mood he was in for a day or two afterwards as he'd missed a nights sleep and the lack of no respect he showed me when I asked him to calm it down we're all killers of my feelings towards him. You have my sympathy op.

This is just making shit up now! 😂

Unpopular opinion but that’s just how some people blow off steam. As you say, it’s only once in a while and he doesn’t really drink otherwise. I’d just leave him to it - he’s big enough to find his own way home.

I think an all nighter now and again is fine, especially if you’re expecting it but nearly every weekend is a bit much and must cost an absolute fortune!

If he’s got kids then his responsibility as a parent comes first.

As a parent I think you should only be going out like this a maximum once a month, because it’s not fair on the other parent having to pick up the slack for them too often.

Obviously if you don’t have kids then he should be free to go out and stay out as late as he wants, as long as he’s putting effort into the relationship.

This. I’ve been out occasionally and not got home until 3 or 4am because I’ve been having so much fun dancing with my friends. If my husband wakes up and asks me where I am I let him know and he’s fine with it as long as I’m safe. I’m not getting blind drunk though, just tipsy and I’m fine the next day just a bit tired. I’d be a bit miffed if he said I had to be home at a certain time, I’m not a child. If it’s occasionally then I’d put up with it but maybe ask him not to get so drunk. If it’s happening a lot then I can understand your concern.

That post you quoted never once suggests that the OP's DH has been hospitalised. The poster just stated that people are commonly admitted to hospital for alcohol poisoning, alcohol related injuries etc. Which they are. In A&E departments up and down the land. Unsure about what part of the post was fantasy tbh. It costs the NHS a fortune.

Giving your adult partner a curfew isn't really acceptable. When DP or I go out for a big night with friends (or even together) we're not clock-watching and we will get home when we get home. Whoever's at home alone takes the opportunity to enjoy the house to themselves and an early night. It's never occurred to me to worry about when he gets home on account of being fast asleep.

The pursed-lips disapproval of anyone over the age of 30 daring to go clubbing is always reliably funny in these threads.

Drinking to excess... that depends. The good thing about getting older is that you know your limits and can usually get tipsy without being a mess but even so there are the occasional overexcited "whoops tumbled over" nights and good fun they are too. Overdoing it isn't a problem in itself, the problem is when you start relying on alcohol/drinking by yourself/behave badly when drunk.

I made a point early in the thread that the amount he drank when he went on a bender could be dangerous for his health and safety. I was then challenged by pp who were expressing the opinion going on benders like OP's DH is in the habit of doing is normal, fun behaviour.

I replied to these pp giving an example of how drinking for that amount of time could affect your health and welbeing. My dialogue was addressed to these pp and I did not suggest for one moment that OP's DH had been hospitalised. I did not create any sort of fantasy scenario. I was merely addressing pp who for some reason probably related to their own behaviour want to minimise the dangers and effects of alcohol abuse.

What you are telling me is I can't talk about the possible effects of excessive alcohol consumption.

But presumably you are OK with the pp who post along the lines of " Hey, nothing to see here. Alcohol is good fun. How could anything negative ever be associated with getting off your face"

I agree that there shouldn’t be a curfew for an adult.

But if you’ve got kids there should be a limit on how often you are going out, just because it’s not fair on the other person to do most of the parenting or not be able to go out themselves.

That kind of behaviour would be a big deal for me. Once in a very blue moon I would be pissed off but if it was happening regularly I would lose my mind. I am not chill though and I don't want to be married to a sloppy inebriated teenager. It's so off putting. And it's actually unsafe and worrying to get that drunk.

There’s so much wrong with a 15 hour drink binge. One of the things that would bother me is the financial cost. It’s got to be huge. It might be his personal money not family money but who, in their 40s, wants to piss away that much money on getting hammered?

I am not really a big drinker but I do go out and party a few times a year coming back home usually the afternoon then next day because I'll go to sleep at like 6-7am at a child free friends house before travelling home. Didn't stop enjoying going out partying / dancing because I had kids. Just do it significantly less.

Nowhere in this post has the OP talked about how this man is going out and needing to go have his stomach pumped at the hospital. You have to be extremely extremely drunk to need that. I don't know a single person who has ever needed to go get their stomach pumped drinking and I used to party hard in my younger years. Yes it happens but there's zero indication in this thread that the OPs husband is getting so drunk he needs stomach pumping. Sounds like he needs to drink some water and go lay down.

People are being really hyperbolic here.