Partner staying out until early hours… what would you do…

[Normalnot]

In a nutshell my DH is lovely and we get on well. He works hard but when he gets together with ‘the boys’ he can’t seem to remove himself from the session. Never would he leave early he’s always one of the last there.

He was out with friends a few months back and ended up in a nightclub on his own as that was the only place open for alcohol. Got in about 5am and was so drunk. I let that go as I know he likes ‘one more drink’. Lost his phone etc - though hit it back as it was on the bar of the club.

Last weekend he done the same and got back about 4.30. Went with his married cousin to the same night club as every where else was closed. I was annoyed at this though but not as annoyed as his cousins wife. They have 3 kids and she was beyond angry as she didn’t know if he was ok as he wasn’t answering phone. At least my DH answered phone call though could barely speak!

Theres a group of them out again tonight for a birthday (out since 1pm today) and I’ve told him it’s not fair to keep doing that and there’s no need and he needs to learn self control. No one needs to be out 15 hours straight drinking- I’ve no problem with him going out seeing mates but I feel this extreme is taking the piss as I worry if he’s ok or fallen in a ditch etc… I don’t think he’s messing about with women as he can barely stand when he gets home!

He doesn’t really drink at home it’s just with the boys, they can’t seem to stop and you’d think they’re 18-25 not 40-50!

AIBU so say this is not acceptable and I’m not putting up with it? Some would say I’m controlling….

OP said he last did this in March. It's now the end of June. She did say he's going out two weeks in a row because of someone's birthday which isn't great but otherwise it doesn't sound like this is really frequent if the last time he went and did this was March

Going against the grain here - but I would see giving me an ultimatum or a come home by time as massively controlling if I’m only out every few months. I LOVE music gigs and dancing, love the chats after a good night out and still have friends who don’t/wont have kids so on a odd night “out out” it would be back to theirs (or ours) for chats (but actually the main person I’m likely to stay out out with also has multiple kids). It can be massively late - ie not unusual for us to switch from wine to tea but continue chats and dancing in kitchens till the early hours.

My DH is more likely to stay out out at a club, then go get food - admittedly in Ireland the pubs/clubs close later but between that and waiting for a taxi, it could easily be close to 5/5:30 before being home (without it including a strip club or other woman as so many here seem to indicate).

Obviously it’s about being respectful in a relationship, if it was every weekend or if it meant a few days of recovery so all the parenting fell to the ‘at home’ partner, it’s unfair and isn’t acceptable. But is that the case OP or does your DH just like a different night to you?

I may only have a few of the above nights a year but I’d really miss them (especially the nightclub and dancing bits). I’m late 30’s. I’m not there on the prowl - I enjoy it occasionally. Doesn’t make me a bad parent or partner!

You didn’t read the OP did you? It’s three times since March.

It was March. Then last weekend and now this weekend due to someone's birthday. If he isn't doing the two weeks in a row thing often that's 3 months between last time he did it and last weekend. That's quite a while and doesn't sound very frequent

As I have already said I no where suggested OP's DH had to be hospitalised / had his stomach pumped.

You are making your argument that his behaviour is normal and risk free because in your own experience you have not witnessed negative behaviour or serious consequences of alcohol excess and abuse. That is a dangerous argument. It's like saying Domestic violence doesn't exist because it happens behind closed doors. That because you haven't seen it or experienced it then it doesn't happen.

You are perfectly entitled to your own opinion. But denying something that is a problem for many many individuals and society in general, and for which there is a wealth of documentation and statistics verifying it's existence doesn't do any one any favours.

We obviously have different points of view. But ultimately this thread is about OP and how she feels. So 'm not engaging in further dialogue with you.

I don't see the issue, both me and DH have done it, we've also had holidays with friends or stayed in hotels in another city for a night out. We are adults responsible for ourselves. I think it would be controlling to try and put a stop to it.

All kinds of things can happen when people drink, the OP hasn’t suggested anything other than him staying out late and losing his phone, it’s fantasy & melodrama to start bringing in all kinds of unnecessary what ifs into this.

If we’re going to start going off piste then some people become complete alcoholics and lose everything in their lives - this isn’t happening here.

I couldn't care less to be honest. If he stays out till 5am it would have no effect on my life. I appreciate not everyone's lives are the same though.

@Changingplace OP is talking about the monthly blowouts. What about the drinking in between that isn't mentioned (and pull the other one if he is tee total in between). I can assure you that when this kind of male drinker goes on a blowout from 1pm to 5am the next day, it's a 20-25 pint alcohol consumption with spirits thrown on top. When that's the extreme end, 6-8 pints on a weeknight or average Friday is not unusual. What's his total alcohol intake and could he stop? Lots of people down play alcohol problems, but this guy has one. Alcoholism is a journey from functioning fun times, to health raddled dysfunction. But it doesn't matter where you stand on that scale, if you drink too much and cannot stop you have an addictive drink problem.

DH does this - always has. We have a rule whereby if he’s not going to be home till after 3pm he lets me know so that I can go to sleep knowing where he is. He still had to get up same time in the morning for kids whatever - not my problem he had to do it with a raging hangover. So no issues from me but ultimately if it bothers you that’s all that matters.

I wouldn't like this level of binge drinking ever, so that would be the end for me. I have a hard boundary for drinking (I divorced an alcoholic).

Hi all thanks for the perspectives. I just thought I’d answer a few questions. DH has no children.

He is very responsible in most areas and a good guy. It’s the drinking to excess that I have a problem with. I don’t want to give a curfew however drinking 15 hours means that he can barely walk or talk. Last time he lost his wallet - someone handed it in to the police station so it was fine but that could have been his phone so what a waste of money buying a new one.

Another time he didn’t know where he was as he’d drank that much he couldn’t find his way back home and he ended up sitting on a bench for an hour or so until he managed to stumble back home about 5am.

I wake up in the night and worry if he’s unconscious or in a ditch. I just can’t be arsed. It’s hard to turn over and go back to sleep knowing the amount they put away. I couldn’t settle incase he decided to make some food and set the house on fire.

I wouldn’t have a problem with him staying out all night if when he came home he was a bit merry but not when he’s semi conscious. He’s never been sick tbf.

Also he has a condition which is made worse with alcohol and he’s been told that by doctors. (I’m not saying what as it could be outing)

As I say he is lovely, works hard and enjoys seeing his friends which I totally understand but it’s the getting absolutely blind drunk that I can’t be bothered with.

PS - They we’re home by 1am
last night- drunk but not unconscious so I’m happy with that. They are out next week week so hopefully they’re sensible!

The poster you quoted was talking about a very real risk of potential 'issues' the OP's DH could face on one of his benders. Do you think the drunks sitting in A&E all weekend, every weekend are all alcoholics? No, the vast majority are men and women who went out on the lash and drank too much. Luckily for the OP it hasn't happened yet. Every time a person goes out and gets in that state there is a very real chance of that happening.
Oh and I'm writing this as someone who does go out and get smashed (infrequently these days).

@Normalnot you mentioned that your kids are DH's step kids (if I read it right) and he has no other DCs. Do you think that maybe his experience before marriage without any DCs, means that he's playing catch up on understanding that binge drinking is not conducive to happy family life with young ones around? If he hasn't had the learning curve from birth of DCs, he might not appreciate the issue yet (even if you are telling him).

I just so totally sympathise with you about the worry of it.

My first DH did things like your DH. He once was so drunk he fell asleep in a shop doorway and woke up the next morning to find someone had been through all his pockets and he lost his house keys, bank card, money everything. Not his phone because he didn't have one on him. Similarly he would get on a train to come home so drunk he would fall asleep and would wake up in some totally random place.

It's living with the knowledge that anything could happen that is soul destroying.

Thank you. This is exactly it!!

I hope he listens to your concerns, OP, they’re completely valid.

I’m glad that last night was fine. As you say, going out and getting merry drunk is fine, you’re not trying to prevent him from socializing. Blind drunk is when it gets dangerous. At least he doesn’t puke everywhere when he gets home, I couldn’t tolerate that!

That’s my point. I was responding to the person who claimed this was a weekly occurrence and you clearly also don’t read people’s posts.