Partner staying out until early hours… what would you do…

[Normalnot]

In a nutshell my DH is lovely and we get on well. He works hard but when he gets together with ‘the boys’ he can’t seem to remove himself from the session. Never would he leave early he’s always one of the last there.

He was out with friends a few months back and ended up in a nightclub on his own as that was the only place open for alcohol. Got in about 5am and was so drunk. I let that go as I know he likes ‘one more drink’. Lost his phone etc - though hit it back as it was on the bar of the club.

Last weekend he done the same and got back about 4.30. Went with his married cousin to the same night club as every where else was closed. I was annoyed at this though but not as annoyed as his cousins wife. They have 3 kids and she was beyond angry as she didn’t know if he was ok as he wasn’t answering phone. At least my DH answered phone call though could barely speak!

Theres a group of them out again tonight for a birthday (out since 1pm today) and I’ve told him it’s not fair to keep doing that and there’s no need and he needs to learn self control. No one needs to be out 15 hours straight drinking- I’ve no problem with him going out seeing mates but I feel this extreme is taking the piss as I worry if he’s ok or fallen in a ditch etc… I don’t think he’s messing about with women as he can barely stand when he gets home!

He doesn’t really drink at home it’s just with the boys, they can’t seem to stop and you’d think they’re 18-25 not 40-50!

AIBU so say this is not acceptable and I’m not putting up with it? Some would say I’m controlling….

I disagree. It's once every now and again. Your life doesn't have to stop because you have children. Children are safe with their other parent. Honestly as long as it's not all the time then to be honest I think it's pretty controlling to be kicking off about this. I wouldn't be happy my partner giving me a curfew on a night out.
If it was all the time then I would understand the frustration and that wouldn't be ok. It's not ok to prioritise partying over family but like once every now and again? That's fine.

Well by definition, when you behave in a certain way in an attempt to control someone else's behaviour, then you are being controlling.

A better place to come from is to accept that this is who he is. He keeps on showing you that. And then look at whether this behaviour is something you want in your life, and where your boundaries lie. Then implement those boundaries.

Maybe this is what you mean by 'ultimatum' - in which case be sure you are happy to carry it out if he doesn't change his behaviour.

I think it depends. I wouldn’t expect my partner to be going out drinking for 15 hours every weekend. Every now and again and for a purpose eg stag dos, reunions etc I wouldn’t have an issue.

Do you get equal opportunity to go out? If so, I don't see the issue. It isn't every weekend. Is he coming home puking everywhere? Coz that would piss me off if it was regular but coming home absolutely sozzled every few months, meh.

By the time DD was born we were long past wanting to go on 15 hour benders or stay out until 5 am.

Some of the replies on here are rather depressing. The low expectations of partner's behaviour are rather sad. Not going drinking for 15 hours is not at all life coming to a halt. Going out for the evening is fine. Drinking is fine. All nighters and 15 hour sessions when you have children isn't. And if you can't manage life without doing these then maybe you aren't ready to be a parent.

It is the amount he is drinking when he does drink that is the problem.
There are real safety issues - being so drunk you lose important things like your phone, lay yourself open to being mugged, have an accident on your way home etc. "Drunk and incapable" used to be the crime people got charged with - being that drunk makes you incapable of looking after your own safety.

Then the health danger. When I was much younger and a student one of the women I shared a flat with was engaged to a squaddie. He went out drinking with his mates to celebrate his 21st and drank so much he died of alcoholic poisoning. And his body was used to alcohol.

But that's what alcohol is : a poison. So drinking for 15 hours as OP' s DH has done really does put his health in danger.

Of course people should enjoy having a drink but in excess it is downright dangerous to the individual and causes so many serious problems for other people.

"i don't want to do that anymore" is not the same as something not being fine, and it isn't ok to dictate to others whether they want to still do something. It's completely fine for you or the OP to say that you think you are too old and have no interest in late night partying anymore but doing it occasionally when you have kids is not morally wrong and if he still enjoys it and wants to do it, then it is fine, he should be able to do that occasionally. Going out once every now and again and having an all night party when your children are safe with the other parent has absolutely no negative impacts on children. It's rediculous to imply that it does.

But ultimately it is his body and it's only occasionally. Plenty of things are bad for your health. If he was doing this all the time I would be concerned but just occasionally? As long as he's not out there getting himself arrested or something then like honestly I don't think this is the hugely big deal people are making it out to be. It might not be the choice I would make but he's not disgusting as some of these replies make him out to be.

Agreed, I wouldn’t want to be told what I could or couldn’t do as an adult I don’t think this is that big a deal.

OP do you never go out with friends and have fun? How would you feel to be given a curfew to come home?

OP you mentioned his friend has three kids but you’ve not said you have? If you did I’d say different but he’s the one who needs to deal with the handover tye next day.

The OP hasn’t said they have children, his friend does.

Telling a grown adult they have a curfew is rather depressing imo.

@Changingplace I'd missed that! So no kids (and the reason my reply would be different with kids is because of the inevitable kid shit which has to be sorted on a weekend). This is just a bloke going out drinking every so often?

And for all the people saying you can't go drinking with kids/responsibilities, I hope they are all t totallers with bmis under 25 who only eat organic non processed food, regularly exercise and limit screen use to whatever amount some expert has said is acceptable.

None of us are perfect, and having kids doesn't mean we have to live like saints .

This is something I never would have stood for. Ever. Huge dealbreaker.

I’m not sure why you thought things would ever change when you’ve been accepting it all this time? Why would he see it as an issue?

I honestly don't have any issue with going out to a club and being late home. Does it matter if its 1am. Or 4/5? You'll be in bed anyway. What I would have issues with is if he rights off the following day and ruins it for the family.

If he is functional i couldnt care less

I really don't see the big deal if it's generally every few months.
More regular and it would piss me off more.

This isn't me being a cool wife and will admit this is much more likely to be me doing this but my partner also doesn't mind.

Does he come home and puke everywhere?
Wake everyone up?
Is he lairy or get abusive?
Is he a twat when he's drunk or hungover?

That's the stuff that would make it a deal breaker for me potentially.

Why don't you arrange with him that when he goes out, if it's after 12 can he stay with a mate? Then you're not expecting him home and he can't disturb you.

Telling him there'll be consequences is pretty infantilising. He's an adult and you are not his parent.

Don't be ridiculous.

Drinking - yes, just not 15 hour benders.
BMI under 25 - yes. We have both always been skinny. Not so much for me now.
Teetotal - no
Organic food - no
Limited screen time - not applicable when DD was small
Exercise - sporadically

It doesn't have to be all or nothing, so there is no need to be so melodramatic.

You mean you equate dying of alcoholic poisoning with " being bad for your health"???
Of course I'm not saying that is what is going to happen to OP'S DH when he goes on a bender but it is a possibility. And the fact he is not drinking regularly actually makes it more likely to happen to him than if he were a regular heavy drinker. If you drink regularly your body builds up a tolerance to alcohol which irregular drinkers don't have .
And yes it is his body. But is married and has a family . So just to consider himself and not how his behaviour affects those who he presumably loves and cares for is selfishness.
I am not saying he is disgusting. He obviously has a problematic relationship with alcohol : he can't stop when he starts. That is a well known factor in alcohol abuse.
So in my opinion if he cares for his wife and family , and his own well being, he should be addressing his relationship with alcohol.

We go out separately like this every month or three weeks. Both 50ish. I love dancing and socialising and would hate DH to stop me. Our kids are teens so they don't need the same level of looking after and usually are asleep later than me anyway.
The getting so pissed isn't great though.

They don’t have kids, his friend does.

Yeah I don't think it's that big a deal. You can't give a grown man a curfew or an ultimatum. Would it be OK for him to decide how you spend your time and what time you come home? At the end of the day if you are incompatible and this causes too much conflict the relationship won't last but "It's me or the booze" won't solve anything, he'll resent you curbing his blow outs or he'll keep doing it, apologising, doing it again 6 months later, a year later. Decide what you want your life to look like and if this is the only negative in your relationship then try and work around it.

It’s one thing a man in their twenties, say, acting the dafty and getting shitfaced once in a blue moon but a man, with a family at home, in his forties doing it regularly is just embarrassing. It’s not even the time he’s getting in, stay out as late as you like on a night out as long as it isn’t going to affect family plans (if nothing planned, whatever have a lazy one!) it’s the state he’s in! If I’m out with friends, I drink plenty and I stay out as long as I like, but I’m not falling over, losing my belongings, incoherent drunk. That wouldn’t be for me!!

Why though? Why is there apparently this line in the sand where we have to be a certain way because of our age?

Honestly I really don't get it. Why do we have all these rules around age.

Because generally with age comes experience, you should know your limits by then, someone much younger I could understand making a mistake and having a few too many. Even so, not regularly, but once in a while. So I guess not so much age specifically as experience. I wouldn’t find a person attractive if their goal was to get falling-over, unable-to-speak drunk at any age!

I know my limits. I know how much I can drink before there's a risk of me doing my party trick or falling in a bush.

Sometimes I accidentally get overexcited. Sometimes I know it's going to be a messy night. I make sure I have bacon and full fat coke and deal with the inevitable hangover.

I'm mature, have a responsible job, fully formed adult, pay my bills etc but I do enjoy getting drunk with my mates and being silly.

I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with someone who hated that.

My friend barely drinks and doesn't want a relationship with someone who does. That's also fine.

Staying out that late and getting so drunk is a bit pathetic for a man his age.

There's no need to have a 15 hour bender.

How much family money is he spending? He's putting himself at risk getting so drunk. And presumably has a 2 day hangover afterwards, which takes away from family time.

He's prioritising excessive drinking with his mates over everything else - which is a bit sad.

You're totally reasonable to ask for this behaviour to stop.

It’s really unattractive in a life partner I think. Not knowing when to say I’ve had enough I’m going home. No matter what the time is.
I also don’t think you can tell others what to do. I think you can tell them you don’t like it for any numerous reasons, if they don’t listen then you have to make a choice.
One thing I don’t understand is why anyone would lay awake worrying. If you go to sleep you won’t know what time it is anyway.