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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to have told my friend about my concerns over her husband

82 replies

Stacy2024 · 27/06/2024 19:40

I don’t want to post specific details online but imo he is touching their young kids inappropriately.

I have talked to others and their reactions range from “this is normal affection between a dad and his kids” to “report them to child services.”

I disagree with either extreme so what I did was just talk to my friend about my concerns. She did not react well and ended the friendship.

I thought she just needed time to process everything and that we could discuss it after some time passed. But it’s been two years now and she has not wanted to talk.

I want my friend back but even more so I want her kids to be safe. I don’t feel like it rises to the level of getting police and child services involved. But his behavior is very concerning to me.

OP posts:
feathermucker · 27/06/2024 19:41

What did you witness?

Barleysugar86 · 27/06/2024 19:42

Hard to say... what kind of touching did you think was inappropriate/ what ages? My husband is very hands on cuddly with our toddler but nothing that would ever worry me...

Mummy2024 · 27/06/2024 19:42

You've got to be joking? You thought it bad enough to tell your friend and not the police? I don't understand at all.

Andwegoroundagain · 27/06/2024 19:42

If you've not talked to them for 2 years and presumably not seen the kids for 2 years, not sure you've got anything to report ? If it reached the threshold then 2 years ago was the time to report.

I am not sure you can do anything to get your friend back sorry

SheddingCat · 27/06/2024 19:42

Absolutely impossible to say anything without a bit more detail. You might have done the right thing but it’s impossible to say.

Lizzbear · 27/06/2024 19:43

It depends what he was doing. Could you expand a bit. We can then discuss it.

sprigatito · 27/06/2024 19:43

I'm confused. If you were certain enough that his behaviour was abusive that you blew up your friendship over it, how can it not be serious enough to report it to the police/social services who can intervene and make the children safe?

It makes no sense.

WindowViper · 27/06/2024 19:43

I think ‘very concerning touching’ is probably one for SS, to be honest.

You can let them be the judge - call them, Anonymously if you want, and tell them what you think. Their bar for action is very high (sadly), so if the friendship is over anyway you have nothing to lose.

Tagyoureit · 27/06/2024 19:44

So this all blew up 2 years ago? You're not getting your friend back.

But what happened for you to say something?

TheFallenMadonna · 27/06/2024 19:44

2 years?

LadyWhistled0wn · 27/06/2024 19:46

It's been two years, you're not getting your friend back.

Original poster
Stacy2024 · 27/06/2024 19:49

I’m reluctant to post any details online. They are young girls under ten. He rubs them a lot and I think he moves too close to their private areas. But I have not seen him touch those areas exactly. He gives off just creepy vibes like he’s into it in a weird way.

OP posts:
Marblessolveeverything · 27/06/2024 19:54

So you haven't seen him touch the children in an inappropriate place, you have bad vibes.?

So would you think the same if it was your friend? Because it is a massive issue to raise a concern like this without proof of more than bad vibes.

Mummy2024 · 27/06/2024 20:02

Stacy2024 · 27/06/2024 19:49

I’m reluctant to post any details online. They are young girls under ten. He rubs them a lot and I think he moves too close to their private areas. But I have not seen him touch those areas exactly. He gives off just creepy vibes like he’s into it in a weird way.

I mean I get it tbh, your clearly a good person who doesn't feel they've seen enough to report anything but enough to be concerned.

Your just a good person trying to protect innocent kids. I'm not gonna berate you for that.

What a horrible place to be in OP. You've done all you can in the circumstances. I mean you could report it to social services and the kids can be spoken to a school if needs be to check they are safe, it's probably what I would do tbh.

Eviolle · 27/06/2024 20:05

You accused her husband of being a paedophile, you aren't getting your friend back.

KomodoOhno · 27/06/2024 20:08

Without knowing exactly what happened who can say. You need more then bad vibes to make accusations like this. If all that has happened is what you said here no, you will never get your friend back.

Original poster
Stacy2024 · 27/06/2024 20:09

Sorry I just don’t want to post the specific details online. Like Mummy said it was in between “innocent” and “enough to report.”

I’ve given more details to people irl and like I said their reactions varied all the way from “this is normal” to “report it.” So that spectrum in reactions also made me feel like it’s in the middle.

OP posts:
LittleBitAlexisLaLaLaLaLa · 27/06/2024 20:10

You’ve accused your friend’s husband of “sort of” sexually abusing their children. To your friend. And you really thought she’d get over that? That if enough time passed she’d come over to your way of thinking? Whether he is or isn’t, that’s really quite naive of you.

FWIW, seeing as you don’t think it’s serious enough to call the NSPCC for advice even, I might well have assumed you were a twisted shit stirrer in your friend’s position.

Homesweethome23 · 27/06/2024 20:10

Not only did you accuse your friends husband of being an inappropriate with his own daughters you also discussed it with others, the friendship is over.

If your concerns were that great you should have contacted social services.

Coulddowithanap · 27/06/2024 20:10

This is 2 years ago!

If you were that concerned you would have gone straight to police or social services.

FatmanandKnobbin · 27/06/2024 20:10

You witnessed, what you felt was, inappropriate touching.

You spoke to several other people about this.

You then spoke to the kids mum about this.

At no point have you reported it to anyone who could investigate.

From your behaviour it seems like you just wanted to gossip about this guy and not protect anyone from anything tbh.

If I had genuine concerns I would have reported to SS and not uttered a word to anyone else.

Original poster
Stacy2024 · 27/06/2024 20:11

Eviolle · 27/06/2024 20:05

You accused her husband of being a paedophile, you aren't getting your friend back.

I have not seen behavior to prove that. But I have seen behavior that concerns me. And my intuition is telling me something is wrong with him yes.

OP posts:
lemonmeringueno3 · 27/06/2024 20:11

All of this is irrelevant now. You haven't seen any of them for two years and after an accusation like that you never will.

ViaBlue · 27/06/2024 20:11

YANBU
You felt strongly enough to speak to her about it..you did the right thing in my view. There is loads of married peadophiles out there and some women are in deep denial...
I don't think you will get your friend back..only thing I can suggest is Sarahs law check but it only works if he has a record

WitchyWay · 27/06/2024 20:13

Eviolle · 27/06/2024 20:05

You accused her husband of being a paedophile, you aren't getting your friend back.

See, in my eyes, she was letting her friend know that his behaviour isn't normal. Sometimes when you've been together a long time, or if you're normalised to something, it can be hard to know what's normal/acceptable and what isn't.

If someone told me something similar, I would absolutely be telling my partner not to do that, that it's giving people the wrong idea. And after reflecting, I would also talk to my girls to make sure there is nothing untowards happening and that they're happy.

I really don't understand people who get defensive about this. I've been with my husband 20 years and I'd be shocked to think anyone thought he was abusive in anyway, but equally, I will defend my kids to the earth and if there was any risk that they were being abused, I would absolutely be rethinking the situation and making some changes. Even without proof.

No rubbing of young children is normal. None. That doesn't mean he knows it looks perverted, but equally it won't cost him to stop doing it.

Too many women choose men over children.