AIBU to have told my friend about my concerns over her husband

[Stacy2024]

I don’t want to post specific details online but imo he is touching their young kids inappropriately.

I have talked to others and their reactions range from “this is normal affection between a dad and his kids” to “report them to child services.”

I disagree with either extreme so what I did was just talk to my friend about my concerns. She did not react well and ended the friendship.

I thought she just needed time to process everything and that we could discuss it after some time passed. But it’s been two years now and she has not wanted to talk.

I want my friend back but even more so I want her kids to be safe. I don’t feel like it rises to the level of getting police and child services involved. But his behavior is very concerning to me.

You did the right thing, your friend didn’t. Apparently a lot of mothers are “blind” to issues like this because of the fallout.

I’ve done similar and lost most of my family over it, but absolutely know I did the right thing. Children need safe adults looking out for them and it would have at least made the mum conscious of it.

Your 'intuition' is telling you something is wrong? Yet he's not done anything wrong?

And it was 2 years ago..... you lost your friend, so you are actually clueless as to what's been happening

You may be right. You may be wrong. You’re not getting your friend back ever. You’ve not protected the children if they need it.
The correct thing to do is alert social services and let them investigate.

YABU.

If you felt it was concerning then you should’ve reported it to social services. If you didn’t then what is there to gain? A paedophile isn’t suddenly going to change behaviour because you tell their wife you think they’re inappropriate.

If you’re worried you report. It’s that simple.

How on earth could you think you’d keep your friend after telling her that?

You can't genuinely think the kids are are at risk and also not have reported this to anyone for 2 years.

If you have witnessed something then report it and let the authorities investigate and decide on appropriate action.

But of course you're not getting your friend back.

@WitchyWay I stroked my children, rubbed their backs, patted their bums, tickled and rubbed their bellies. That is a normal parental relationship with lots of physical affection. How weird to claim otherwise.

None of us knows whether the touching the OP saw falls into this category or not (because OP won't tell us). But of course touching/rubbing/stroking are normal between parents and young children.

So you didn’t report to anyone other than your friend?

That has really shocked me.

I don't understand why you didn't report it to social services.

Yes that is what I had hoped her reaction would be. That she would be more watchful and pay attention to what he is doing and see if anything is wrong. And to ask her kids in some sort of non-intrusive non-upsetting way if daddy is doing anything there.

So you’ve known this for two years and haven’t bothered to tell the authorities. Well done on leaving children at risk for two years.

Imo if its not serious enough for you to report, your concerns weren't serious enough. Sorry.

OK but do you know if she did or not? She's not spoken to you? Is it still happening? I'm just a bit confused

The rubbing sounds sinister but when I think about it I would rub dc's back, or tummy, or leg if they were draped over me on the sofa. None of us know whether you were right or not but you've lost that friend and didn't see enough to warrant an official report so that's it.

What behaviour is and isn't normal? In what culture? In which families? So many factors influence "normal behaviour" and what is viewed as acceptable. We have no idea what 'rubbing' means, nor why it would be deemed unacceptable or inappropriate bar the fact that it makes OP uncomfortable.

I still can’t work out what he’s done.

a “feeling” really isn’t good enough, innocent men have been murder because people thought they were a bit odd, and were sex offenders.. when they were not.

If you think something is wrong, you tell the authorities who can investigate.

🙄 ok...

We've all got kids. And it shouldn't need explaining the difference between a back rub and tickle and rubbing a child somewhere that makes a perfectly normal, sane friend feel the need to mention it to their friend. A dad, rubbing their daughter isn't normal. Tickling isn't rubbing. I'd hazard a guess that he was rubbing somewhere strange like a thigh.

The thing is, you can't be a bit a paedophile can you. You can't sexually abuse your kids a bit. He is either an abuser or he isn't.

If he is, then clearly she is either in massive denial or colluding in some way, and OP needs to try to find a way to report this and have him/them investigated.

If he isn't, the friend is very understandably extremely upset by the accusation, as many would be.

While the loss of the friendship is a bit sad, it isn't the worst thing. The worst thing is that potentially these kids are being abused and he is getting away with it.... You need to find a way to act I think, OP, if your concerns are truly genuine.

Intuition and feelings absolutely can be enough. You'll rarely see an abuser commit the crime, they choose private times. The "feeling" is actually a vital part of discovering abuse.

Only read OP.

It is not for you to decide whether it is inappropriate or not. As soon as you had concerns you should have reported it.

Say what he did so anyone can judge, he rubs them, their shoulders arms? He's too close to them, which part of him is too close to which part of them?

You could be totally over reacting because your DF, DH is not very touchy feely, or it may be inappropriate, no one can tell from what you have said. And I would probably be incandescent if I was your 'friend' with you giving me vague innuendos against my Dh.

If you were concerned you should have reported it.

@WitchyWay your post, which I responded to, stated that no rubbing of small children was ever appropriate. This is arrant nonsense and could upset and alarm young parents who read here, so I challenged it.

Now you seem to be saying that rubbing/stroking children is only ok if the parent is female. This is also arrant nonsense. My DH had the same loving physical relationship with our young children as I did - it's normal and necessary for children's emotional development.

If the OP thinks like you, she could be accusing a normal loving father of the worst possible crime. On the other hand, if she has witnessed inappropriate touching (and failed to report it) it's very important to be able to distinguish between that and normal physical affection.

No rubbing of young children is normal.

Just about one of the most ridiculous and purely sensational things I've ever read.

Like the “feelings” that these two had ?

amp.theguardian.com/uk-news/2013/nov/28/vigilante-lee-james-life-murdering-bijan-ebrahimi

I do understand your reasoning but this was 2 years ago. You've not heard anything to prove you right and yet you've also been discussing this with other people in real life, are these people mutual friends?

Also, if nothing has happened in 2 years, do you think you may have misjudged the situation?

I, myself, rub my children, when my dd lies on on the sofa next to me, I'll rub her arm or thigh, sometimes when she comes to me crying, I'll pat her back or bum, or in the car I'll pat my son's knee, I'll randomly kiss them on the cheek or head. This behaviour is normal, tactile affection.

You really need to be more forthcoming with what you actually saw 2 years ago that you didn't report to authorities but seemed to think was enough to tell your friend that she's married a pedophile.