To feel royally pissed off by H comment

[PickUpAPenguinn]

I finally got enough evidence from various referrals to state that DS5 meets threshold for extra support beyond what the school is providing. And the school agreed to support the EHC application today in our meeting. The school tell me today that due to getting final report that says DS meets threshold - that they would hope we are successful in an EHC application

I have spent years doing referrals, school meetings, coping when DS wasn't able to go to nursery. It's so slow and frustrating. He's still on two waiting lists. I've got him private speech and language etc etc.

Anyway, today I came home to say we had this breakthrough that I had everything we needed and school support.

H has never been to a meeting. Doesn't understand or care to understand the process. He's just about understood what an EHC is but barely. He doesn't know what's going on!!

I work longer hours than H by the way.

H said to me tonight that it was good news and "great you've done this but also we need to stop outsourcing parenting by filling in forms to get other people to help. We need to teach DS how to interact with people, catch him up with his reading, in a way - we need to stop being lazy parents and do it ourselves and stop relying on forms and funding"

I said I didn't feel lazy at all and I've spent many evenings and hours on this stuff. And I do help DS myself too but I finish work at 5, pick DS up, then v hard to squeeze in lots of extra reading as he's got SEN and he's just been at school for 9 hours and he's 5 - so dinner, telly, bed, bath, book, bed - feels like enough!

H said I'm being defensive. I do get his point. Maybe I need to do more myself and not rely on school. But I felt so happy today I've finally got all the necessary evidence, school support etc and I just thought H would be happier.

Am I being overly sensitive? I'm exhausted and its hot so v possible!

God he talks to you with utter disdain and contempt. I don't know how you can bear him.

I'm so sorry, it's the last thing you need when trying to do the best for your child as well.

What an inadequate man.

I'm so sorry, OP. I've been in a v similar situation, I really feel for you. I think, as a pp said, you have to accept that your marriage will end, the only question is when. So start planning, work out a strategy, and get some really good RL support. Do not make the mistakes I did, of thinking I could endure it till the dc were grown, and thinking I could make sure our dc weren't affected.

I feel you are all right that its a matter of "when" not "if". And also that I'm capable and organised (well maybe just one person said that - ha ha) but yes, I'm confident in my ability to split and weather whatever he has to throw at me if I leave. I wish there was a way I could protect DS though - Split parents, possibly new home, school, new routines, - all sounds nightmarish. It's hard enough already when everything is the same!

I totally get this. However, in my situation my husband had an affair and left. Literally every routine I put in place was ruined. OW resented the very bones of (2.5 year old) son and was so vile to him she's now subject to an injunction. Ex didn't want to lose his meal ticket partner so he decided to dump son. Our lives were turned upside down overnight. My constantly screaming non sleeping son slept through for the first time ever. His loud, shouty, useless father had had much more of an effect than I'd realised. Being a lone parent has been the absolute best thing for my boy. He's come on in leaps and bounds and at 13 is well supported in mainstream. If you have to do this, you can. You'll be ok

Can second TheFormidableMrsC: I struggled to hold my relationship together for the sake of the children. As soon as it was over it was like we all breathed a sigh of relief; they've been so much happier since.

OP, I feel for you so much, your situation really resonates for me (hence very long message) and what my son and I have been through with his dad.

I split from my sons dad when he was nearly 3 and have spent 10 years having to pick up the pieces almost every time he comes back from contact for exactly the reasons you have outlined.

My son is probably nd (awaiting the results of Assessment now) and it has been traumatic. Dad has persistently done outrageous things which have attracted social services referrals from various different professionals, where it’s been obvious that I have to take action because my son is suffering to an unacceptable level and dad won’t engage with me I’ve ended up on a couple of occasions withholding contact for a day or two whilst waiting for dad to discuss things sensibly which has resulted in him making multiple applications to court, so we’ve been through that as well. It’s been never-ending, his childhood has been ruined by it. Finally we are out the other side but he is now 15 and has been really severely impacted by it all. There is not a simple answer here, but with the benefit of hindsight, there’s a few things I would say.

if you seek legal advice, I always think when it comes to the family court you will get a more realistic view by talking directly to a barrister rather than a solicitor, I’ve had to work with so many of them, I do have an excellent name if you want to DM me. It’s a lot cheaper than going through a solicitor and also just much better quality advice because they are the ones on the front line.

get professional documented advice to back up exactly what your child needs in terms of parenting/ home environment. the more of a paper trail you have if/when you go to court the better, work with OTs, SEN specialists, any medical needs…whatever. i would be looking to get advice about experiences of family Court from other parents of kids with SEN, try to get as many perspectives as you can

I realise now that my sons dad is actually clearly autistic, and they both exhibit PDA type behaviour, as I’m learning to be more skilful with my son (low demand parenting) I keep reflecting on how those strategies would have helped calm things between us. Dad also probably thought “well, I didn’t have all of this help and I’m right, so why should my son… “ It’s common, that sort of thinking. It’s like having to confront what we weren’t given, we can really bring out the avoidant/belligerent side of people.

Don’t underestimate what a tight spot you are in, dealing with a child with additional needs plus a partner who behaves like that. you can do it and life will be easier at some point but It’s okay to say no to helping other people with their dogs or whatever.

You may or may not decide to separate, my situation was intolerable. One good thing about us separating is my child has at least had half of his life in a home where his needs are met so he has been able to disentangle the two experiences, it’s been so rough, but I did the right thing leaving and my relationship with him has survived (he refuses to see his dad). I just didn’t know what I was walking into and wish someone had told me all of this.

you sound like an excellent mother, give yourself as much cheerleading and support as you can. Next time you have happy news, to celebrate it with someone else first, don’t let him rain on your well deserved parade

Your message means so much and is so helpful @Donotneedit

I think that perspective is so helpful. That leaving does not solve everything. I guess H shows me a great deal of disdain but then he also has days/weeks of trying harder. If I leave it will be 100% disdain all the time. H doesn't want to split at all. And so he does put in effort sometimes and he does what he thinks is right by DS sometimes. He's not absent in any way - he's home every evening, weekend. But he's like a big baby at home. Grumpy, always tired, and impossible to communicate with. V v petty.

I do know that my situation is having an impact. I've been getting these weird panic spells. They hit me randomly when I'm trying to get everyone ready in the morning for example - I feel really hot, my chest goes tight and I feel SO sick. I've had to run to the loo because the nausea is so bad and I'm gagging. I can only think it's stress or something as it's random and I have nothing else wrong with me seemingly!

What you descirbe about picking up the pieces after contact... That's exactly my fear. I know what you're saying about having a good home 50% of the time but H by himself and angry will be FAR worse than he is now. Now he can be grumpy and rude but I've seen him when he feels hard done by and he's awful. His mental health isn't great at times. How old was your DS when he stopped seeing your ex? Has H fought you on that?

Why was your situation intolerable? Sometimes I think mine is and then sometimes I think what the hell am I thinking? To have much less money, smaller home in a worse part of town, my kids gone 50% of the time and possibly being neglected, and still I'd have to see and be in contact with H all the bloody time!

I know H is a dickhead and can be a bully. I know that with my whole heart. But I feel me and my kids are stuck with that whatever I do.

I don't understand your bit about a barrister. Isn't that much further down the line? Don't I have to do mediation before, then maybe solicitor, before I get to barrister stage? (And yes I'd love a recommendation though!)

I do know that my situation is having an impact. I've been getting these weird panic spells. They hit me randomly when I'm trying to get everyone ready in the morning for example - I feel really hot, my chest goes tight and I feel SO sick. I've had to run to the loo because the nausea is so bad and I'm gagging. I can only think it's stress or something as it's random and I have nothing else wrong with me seemingly!

You are reaching crisis point. Please go and see your GP as soon as possible. Don't dismiss these warnings because, quite frankly, how are you going to help your child if you have a breakdown? You really think your H won't use it against you every single week to berate and belittle you, or when in talks about child custody? Of course he has spells of being nice or helpful otherwise you wouldn't stay for the abuse he gives you. It is called the cycle of abuse for a reason. (Please look up emotional and/or mental abuse - you,ve documented classic signs).

After you have called your GP, please contact Women's Aid (they have email if you don't have peace/time to call). You now need to be strong for yourself, so you can be strong for your child. It's time to put the oxygen mask on.

I’ll pm you

You know what is so baffling to me? How my image of H and the reality is so disconnected. I tell myself he's v present and family man in lots of ways and he will want 50%, but then tonight just got home from work and he has to put kids to bed by himself and I'm visiting elderly relative and honestly he jisy keeps repeating it "so I'm doing it all by myself tonight then?". So grumpy.

I expect you fairly often do it all by yourself...?

He can’t function without you picking up the slack. And you can function better without him gumming up the works.

You really must attend to these panic attacks and the nausea. There is a very ild joke. Man goes to see a psychiatrist who asks him “what’s wrong?” “”nothing, doctor, everything is fine and normal. Im like everyone else. I get up every morning and get ready for work. Throw up. And go out the door.”

It is terrible that you are living under this strain. I feel for you. Your body wants to flee but your brain and heart keep it chained in a house where it is terrified. This creates the panic, the sense of suffocation.

If you have to stay please go get help and try to work out an alternative to the mirning that takes care of you a little better. Maybe listen to music so loudly on headphones that you screen out dh. Or do so much prep the night before that you basically leave before he knows you are gone? Anything you can do to alter the morning routine may reasure your body that you are protecting it.