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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel royally pissed off by H comment

112 replies

PickUpAPenguinn · 27/06/2024 19:07

I finally got enough evidence from various referrals to state that DS5 meets threshold for extra support beyond what the school is providing. And the school agreed to support the EHC application today in our meeting. The school tell me today that due to getting final report that says DS meets threshold - that they would hope we are successful in an EHC application

I have spent years doing referrals, school meetings, coping when DS wasn't able to go to nursery. It's so slow and frustrating. He's still on two waiting lists. I've got him private speech and language etc etc.

Anyway, today I came home to say we had this breakthrough that I had everything we needed and school support.

H has never been to a meeting. Doesn't understand or care to understand the process. He's just about understood what an EHC is but barely. He doesn't know what's going on!!

I work longer hours than H by the way.

H said to me tonight that it was good news and "great you've done this but also we need to stop outsourcing parenting by filling in forms to get other people to help. We need to teach DS how to interact with people, catch him up with his reading, in a way - we need to stop being lazy parents and do it ourselves and stop relying on forms and funding"

I said I didn't feel lazy at all and I've spent many evenings and hours on this stuff. And I do help DS myself too but I finish work at 5, pick DS up, then v hard to squeeze in lots of extra reading as he's got SEN and he's just been at school for 9 hours and he's 5 - so dinner, telly, bed, bath, book, bed - feels like enough!

H said I'm being defensive. I do get his point. Maybe I need to do more myself and not rely on school. But I felt so happy today I've finally got all the necessary evidence, school support etc and I just thought H would be happier.

Am I being overly sensitive? I'm exhausted and its hot so v possible!

OP posts:
Nottherealslimshady · 27/06/2024 22:24

I'd absolutely scoff at the word "we" tell he's more than welcome to stop being g lazy and outsourcing all the parenting to you.

My NT son wears ear defenders when places are too loud. It's like wearing sun glasses when it's sunny imo the environment is uncomfortable so you wear accessories to name yourself comfortable.

SeriaMau · 27/06/2024 22:40

He’s a man. End of conversation.

Daisylookslost · 27/06/2024 22:41

Well done OP that’s amazing you’re doing the best you can for your DS.. try to rise above what your DH is saying for the time being, don’t let his belittling negativity steal your victory. It takes persistence and determination to confidently advocate for your SEN child, you obviously champion his needs so he will get the support he needs and this will all be outlined in his EHCP. And working til 5 too, you’re a superwomen your DH needs his head wobbling

Original poster
PickUpAPenguinn · 29/06/2024 15:59

Thanks for all your comments. I feel really bloody sad today! H has continued to be fairly dismissive of the EHCP progress and telling me lots about being a "weak woman" when I let DS do certain things.

And then today, we are looking after a dog for a friend, and it did a poo in the park while H had him on thr lead. And H stood there pointing as the shit shouting "penguin, penguin" with a smirk on his face, to tell me to come over to pick it up, and I saw a random woman see this interaction and I saw her look at me with pity

I think I might be married to a bully.

OP posts:
PeloMom · 29/06/2024 16:01

Hope you ignored him in the park.

pikkumyy77 · 29/06/2024 16:01

Yes, you are married to a bully.

You should do something about that.

crumblingschools · 29/06/2024 16:06

Hope you didn’t pick it up?

What does he bring to you and DS’s life? Trying to see some good points but I’m not seeing them

JLou08 · 29/06/2024 16:10

No YANBU, sounds like you put a lot of effort in to support your child and H has been completely dismissive of all that effort. He seems to really lack understanding of SEN, its not as simple as you teaching him them things yourselves.
I don't believe all education falls to schools but I also think young children spend enough hours in school so don't need extra pressure to be doing structured learning after a day at school, a bit of reading is fine but they also need time to have fun and relax.

pikkumyy77 · 29/06/2024 16:12

The simplest thing to do to right this tippy boat is to tell him “you first” for everything from childcare to dog poop. Whatever he says just deadpan “great idea: you first” then walk away.

pandarific · 29/06/2024 16:13

Mate. Based on your last post, just divorce him. Go see a solicitor specialising in family law for the free initial session, and then work on getting him out of the house. Also, if he gets a weekend with the kids for contact you can use that to recharge.

atticstage · 29/06/2024 16:16

I think I might be married to a bully.

I'm sorry but I think you're right.

AmandaHoldensLips · 29/06/2024 16:21

Jesus. That really is some arsehole you're married to.

Happilyobtuse · 29/06/2024 16:22

PickUpAPenguinn · 29/06/2024 15:59

Thanks for all your comments. I feel really bloody sad today! H has continued to be fairly dismissive of the EHCP progress and telling me lots about being a "weak woman" when I let DS do certain things.

And then today, we are looking after a dog for a friend, and it did a poo in the park while H had him on thr lead. And H stood there pointing as the shit shouting "penguin, penguin" with a smirk on his face, to tell me to come over to pick it up, and I saw a random woman see this interaction and I saw her look at me with pity

I think I might be married to a bully.

Why does he think you need to pick up dog shit?! Whose dog is it? Did you offer to watch it and does he think it is nothing to do with him?! Is this his general attitude?! Was he like this with your kids when they were younger and needed diaper changing?!

Like my H is not a dog person, so if I offered to watch anyone’s dog he would say if you agree then it is fully your responsibility as I am just not a dog person and will not take it on. He would refuse any mate saying sorry, Not possible. But he was fully hands on with diaper changing for our kids.

Serenity45 · 29/06/2024 16:27

YANBU OP and your further posts make him sound worse. He's a nasty little prick. How fucking dare he disrespect and belittle the mother of his child? I have the absolute rage on your behalf (tbf I am peri and it doesn't take much but still)

TheFormidableMrsC · 29/06/2024 16:33

Christ almighty what an arsehole. SN mum here and single parenting has been the best thing that has happened in terms of caring for my son. My ex was useless too, utterly pathetic, not helped by OW saying that autism didn't exist and it was "attention seeking". This is not what you and your son need. Your husband is an ignorant bully. The ear defenders thing made me rage. Has he got any idea how useful they are and how comforting for children with sensory needs? Ask him how he'd feel if every noise sounded like a bomb going off?

I don't know your circumstances but this would be the end for me. If he's not prepared to learn, do some courses and back you up, then I'd be looking to do that alone.

AtrociousCircumstance · 29/06/2024 16:35

You are married to a bully. Plus a complete cunt.

Ugh. Sorry OP.

Scammersarescum · 29/06/2024 16:36

Well he has both told you and shown you who he is with the dog shit fiasco.

As for his behaviour regarding your son, well it beggars belief.

Hope you can ltb so both you and your child can have a better life

Purpleday1 · 29/06/2024 16:39

You ARE married to a bully.
An emotionally abusive bully.
What a total arsehole.
Shit husband, shit father.
Do you really need to be married to him?
Life is too short.

Icannoteven · 29/06/2024 16:40

He sounds thick. He also sounds as if he isn’t really involved in family life at all, hasn’t taken the slightest bit of time or energy to understand the the needs of the rest of the family yet thinks he gets to have a say in how everything is managed. It sounds like there is no acknowledgement from him about the work you put into everything and your knowledge of the situation. Just criticism of your approach. Sounds like a dickhead.

Original poster
PickUpAPenguinn · 29/06/2024 17:01

The dog is a friends dog. He doesnt really want to look after the dog (he loves dogs generally) so I guess he was saying "not my problem" because I'm the one who said yes to the dog. But I'm only the one who said yes but he doesn't reply or get involved in anything. He just seems to take pleasure in those moments. Even when we got in the car and I was sat in the back dealing with the kids and he looked in the car mirror and said "kids, I can't reverse because all I can see is your mother's massive face". It all just makes me feel horrible.

I'm afraid I did pick up the dog poo!

I said to him quietly as I picked it up next to his foot "you're acting like a real arsehole" and he said "good job I'm not one then eh".

I'm not reliant on him financially. Its the other way round. I just don't want my SN kid to have two homes. I don't think he'd cope.

OP posts:
Purplepeoniesdroppingpetals · 29/06/2024 17:04

Oh that’s horrible for you to live with. Your Sen kids need a happy mum and he doesn’t sound like he likes you. I’m sorry.

WishfulThunking · 29/06/2024 17:10

PickUpAPenguinn · 29/06/2024 15:59

Thanks for all your comments. I feel really bloody sad today! H has continued to be fairly dismissive of the EHCP progress and telling me lots about being a "weak woman" when I let DS do certain things.

And then today, we are looking after a dog for a friend, and it did a poo in the park while H had him on thr lead. And H stood there pointing as the shit shouting "penguin, penguin" with a smirk on his face, to tell me to come over to pick it up, and I saw a random woman see this interaction and I saw her look at me with pity

I think I might be married to a bully.

Wow! 😢

what does he do to help your DS? And well done - battling the system is bloody hard work and it never stops x

Aria999 · 29/06/2024 17:21

PickUpAPenguinn · 29/06/2024 17:01

The dog is a friends dog. He doesnt really want to look after the dog (he loves dogs generally) so I guess he was saying "not my problem" because I'm the one who said yes to the dog. But I'm only the one who said yes but he doesn't reply or get involved in anything. He just seems to take pleasure in those moments. Even when we got in the car and I was sat in the back dealing with the kids and he looked in the car mirror and said "kids, I can't reverse because all I can see is your mother's massive face". It all just makes me feel horrible.

I'm afraid I did pick up the dog poo!

I said to him quietly as I picked it up next to his foot "you're acting like a real arsehole" and he said "good job I'm not one then eh".

I'm not reliant on him financially. Its the other way round. I just don't want my SN kid to have two homes. I don't think he'd cope.

Oh my goodness that is incredibly unkind and unnecessary. It made me feel so sad for you 😢

He sounds horrible in general and horrible to you in particular.

I'm not sure the kids would need to spend much time with him if you split as it doesn't sound like he would be very interested in the work involved caring for them?

Or is he the type who would insist on contact to be annoying and then forget to feed them?

adriftinadenofvipers · 29/06/2024 17:24

Tell him to go and fuck himself!! And that he is the one who needs to be massively stepping up as you're the one that's been putting in all the legwork and getting obviously much-needed interventions in place.

Is he totally bloody stupid?!

adriftinadenofvipers · 29/06/2024 17:28

Oh god just caught up on your other posts - the man's a walking cunt. I'd have flung the poo right at him, bastard.

I don't think this excuse of a father who want to take much responsibility for his kids single-handedly seeing as he doesn't do much now when there's two of you. This man is horrible. I feel for you x