To feel royally pissed off by H comment

[PickUpAPenguinn]

I finally got enough evidence from various referrals to state that DS5 meets threshold for extra support beyond what the school is providing. And the school agreed to support the EHC application today in our meeting. The school tell me today that due to getting final report that says DS meets threshold - that they would hope we are successful in an EHC application

I have spent years doing referrals, school meetings, coping when DS wasn't able to go to nursery. It's so slow and frustrating. He's still on two waiting lists. I've got him private speech and language etc etc.

Anyway, today I came home to say we had this breakthrough that I had everything we needed and school support.

H has never been to a meeting. Doesn't understand or care to understand the process. He's just about understood what an EHC is but barely. He doesn't know what's going on!!

I work longer hours than H by the way.

H said to me tonight that it was good news and "great you've done this but also we need to stop outsourcing parenting by filling in forms to get other people to help. We need to teach DS how to interact with people, catch him up with his reading, in a way - we need to stop being lazy parents and do it ourselves and stop relying on forms and funding"

I said I didn't feel lazy at all and I've spent many evenings and hours on this stuff. And I do help DS myself too but I finish work at 5, pick DS up, then v hard to squeeze in lots of extra reading as he's got SEN and he's just been at school for 9 hours and he's 5 - so dinner, telly, bed, bath, book, bed - feels like enough!

H said I'm being defensive. I do get his point. Maybe I need to do more myself and not rely on school. But I felt so happy today I've finally got all the necessary evidence, school support etc and I just thought H would be happier.

Am I being overly sensitive? I'm exhausted and its hot so v possible!

Get legal advice.
Talk to your GP about his abuse.
Get yourself organised.
Stop doing ANYTHING for him.
Detach emotionally.
Even a hint of aggression, involve the police.
Start journalism his emotional abuse of you.
Better for your children to be in to two homes that 100% with a vile arsehole.
Pricks like him won't want to parent.
Bet he will be a BMD (bare minimum dad) despite what he will threaten.

Let him do it if he’s so keen.

I have just secured an EHCP. It took 2 years and I was beginning to feel I had a second job.

DH hasn't done much to help but he's been supportive and grateful. He certainly hasn't got in the way

You are just at the beginning of a hard 1-2 years (sorry).

I'm not sure you've got time to carry a passenger as well. Your husband is supposed to have your back.

Good god! You really have to kick this asshole to the curb on behalf of all the women in the world

I’m so sorry that you’re DH is a horrible gas lighting man child. It seems so many of them are so you’re not alone with that.

More importantly, absolutely fantastic news @PickUpAPenguinn that you’ve worked so hard to support your DS! 🎉🎉🎉 He’s so lucky to have you fighting his corner! I’ve been there and done that and it’s a long hard battle but you’ve done the right thing by your child. Thank goodness he has you as his mum. He’s very lucky.

When he’s older, you’ll have to think about how to set boundaries with your self centred DH (dick head) as you won’t want your DS to think that’s normal or respectful behaviour. And be sensible about your finances. In the meantime, we of MN salute you for being behind your DS.

Basically he's telling you that he will not lift one finger to help with his own child and will use you as a scapegoat for everything.
He can say he is a lazy parent because he is. He's adding you to that to make himself look good.

Denying ear defenders is shocking though- just get them. Poor child.

What a nasty toad he is. Plus thick as 2 short planks.

I don’t think you should worry about your DC having 2 homes; he doesn’t strike me to be a person who’d parent when he has to.

He's not clocked out. He thinks he's dad of the Year. Hence lecturing me that I'm "outsourcing" parenting by focus on EHCP and school so much. He will 100% NOT be absent if we split - not for a v long time anyway - but he will struggle to cope but he would never admit that. Hence worrying my DC will bear the brunt of that - a proud, bitter man who thinks he's knows best.

What the hell am I going to do?? I've thought he was a bit of an arse for a long time but week after week he shows less and less respect and its nastier to me - and as it's clearer each month that my son's needs are pretty high and the school are taking it all v seriously - and it's become apparent H is going to try to dictate with no knowledge, no effort, no empathy. Feel so stuck.

Is he 100% involved in everything regarding your child?
If he isn't, why do you think he will suddenly start?
Just because he says he will 50%, doesn't mean he will.
Selfish arseholes say they will, but reality is vastly different.
They start off all gungho, meet someone else and suddenly you have every other weekend.
Words are cheap and easy.
The hard grind of caring for children is vastly different.

I'd wipe the floor with him. Bloody twat.

What are you going to do? You’re going to leave him, sooner or later. He shows you contempt, and that’s the death knell to a functioning relationship.

It’s whether you do it sooner or later.

Tbh, as you know he’s going to be an arsehole, and make things difficult, at least you’re forewarned. He already thinks you’re in the wrong when you’re married to each other, so bring unmarried to each other will at least be a relief in that you won’t have to actually deal with him face to face much.

Start planning. You sound organised and capable. Quietly see a solicitor, look at the likely financial implications, and so on. At least you’ll have the knowledge then.

It's going to be exhausting but you have to dig deep and stick to your guns because you are right about what your child needs and your other half is definitely being emotionally abusive. I know it because I have lived it and I recognise the things you are saying. If you can get some sort of counselling for yourself this may help in building up your emotional/ mental resilience to deal with the challenges that lie ahead. I've been recommended to contact women's aid in the past. See if they can help at all

Also if you are thinking about your kids' welfare remember every time they hear him speak to you like that it's going to hurt them, teach them something unhealthy about relationships, or both.

It would be good to remove them from this awful drip drip drip effect sooner rather than later.

He sounds like my ex husband. Did absolutely nothing for DC's EHCP. Whenever he spoke to friends it was 'we did this and we did that's. It seriously pissed me off.

Just save yourself wasting your time and get rid.

He sounds awful. Don’t worry about your son not coping with two homes when you split up. Men like that will not actively seek custody. They say they will, to everyone, all the time - but it’s just words. He won’t. He doesn’t want it - if he did, he’d be an engaged father now, which he isn’t.
If you’re financially independent I wouldn’t give him a second thought. He’s a nasty bully who doesn’t deserve you.

He thinks he’s dad thebof the year because of all you do. Once you’re not there to do it for him he’ll realise it’s not for him

He really can get fucked.
You definitely can get divorced at the same time as doing the admin for a SEN child and raising these exhausting little blighters, I'm just coming out the other side and the difference in energy not having the life drained out of you by their dad while you're doing it is notable.
Of course he will say he will be extremely involved after the split, they all do, it's part of the bullying that got you to this point. I only know one woman who's ex has actually staid the distance and kept up a 50:50 split, it's extremely rare with SEN children.

I’m not surprised you’re upset, I get it totally, my DS is a similar age and autistic and school have just agreed that we’ll go for an EHCP after multiple meetings, me chasing various things and pushing for things to have in place - I was over the moon about it. Thankfully my DH appreciates it and says nice things like “I don’t know how you do it, I could never have done all that.”

Honestly he is being a dick. Tell him he can do as much extra support at the weekend as he likes, but you obviously need to secure support for when he’s at school! And as for his red line being ear defenders I don’t have the words 🤬 My son wears his whenever he feels the need, because our red line is our son feeling uncomfortable when he has a tool to make his already challenging life a bit easier.

I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this. It sounds like you’re doing an amazing job navigating all the admin stuff and advocating for your son.

Don’t think that what he says now is the real him. He may pose as dad of the year but he will abandon it when its unrewarding and unremarked.

This.

Really, @Cherry8809, @Screamingabdabz? Have you not read OP's posts? This is a man who won't even pick up dog poo if he can delegate it to his wife, let alone get hands on with challenging parenting.

You can go two ways one hand him a reading book daily tell him ds needs to practice reading or you can divorce the cunt he won't cope with his own child and will hopefully see him less and less (my ex did this as did a few other sen parents when they split) eventually the one that does the most work gets to continue doing the most work (shocker) but they do it without the input of the other parent

What is he doing for your child's future? Does he do the things he mentioned?
To me what he said would have been the pie in the face moment for me.