To feel royally pissed off by H comment

[PickUpAPenguinn]

I finally got enough evidence from various referrals to state that DS5 meets threshold for extra support beyond what the school is providing. And the school agreed to support the EHC application today in our meeting. The school tell me today that due to getting final report that says DS meets threshold - that they would hope we are successful in an EHC application

I have spent years doing referrals, school meetings, coping when DS wasn't able to go to nursery. It's so slow and frustrating. He's still on two waiting lists. I've got him private speech and language etc etc.

Anyway, today I came home to say we had this breakthrough that I had everything we needed and school support.

H has never been to a meeting. Doesn't understand or care to understand the process. He's just about understood what an EHC is but barely. He doesn't know what's going on!!

I work longer hours than H by the way.

H said to me tonight that it was good news and "great you've done this but also we need to stop outsourcing parenting by filling in forms to get other people to help. We need to teach DS how to interact with people, catch him up with his reading, in a way - we need to stop being lazy parents and do it ourselves and stop relying on forms and funding"

I said I didn't feel lazy at all and I've spent many evenings and hours on this stuff. And I do help DS myself too but I finish work at 5, pick DS up, then v hard to squeeze in lots of extra reading as he's got SEN and he's just been at school for 9 hours and he's 5 - so dinner, telly, bed, bath, book, bed - feels like enough!

H said I'm being defensive. I do get his point. Maybe I need to do more myself and not rely on school. But I felt so happy today I've finally got all the necessary evidence, school support etc and I just thought H would be happier.

Am I being overly sensitive? I'm exhausted and its hot so v possible!

Good lord, I’m surprised you didn’t give him a piece of your mind. Sounds like he’s assuaging his own guilt by minimising the value of what you’ve achieved. Tell him to crack on with it.

He was really bloody lecturing me and I just went silent. I was feeling so positive when he got home, like I'm finally making headway and getting support. I went quiet and he said I was being sensitive. He's not in denial about DS - but he definitely thinks we are not trying hard enoivh to fix it. He has also "drawn a red line at ear defenders" and won't let DS have them. He can be such an arsehole!

"He has also "drawn a red line at ear defenders" and won't let DS have them"

@PickUpAPenguinn this is denial.

Sorry I should have said "hard enough to fix things" in his language and not how I view it at all

I think some of it is specific to DS, but also generally he dismisses my efforts on other stuff that I do. He says he's not being dismissive, just being honest, but it always makes me feel like rubbish.

He won’t let your child have ear defenders?

Would he not let your child use crutches if they’d broken a leg or had a condition that made walking difficult.

What an absolute twat!

Why wouldn’t you use an available aid to help your son cope? Jesus! Honestly, your poor kid. That’s made me so angry.

Also, it sounds like you’ve done your bit getting him the extra help in school-no small feat on its own. You’ve clearly done lots of work on this.

Wheres his research on strategies to help? What does he suggest? How is he helping in an evening? Does he do any of this stuff? What strategies is he going to put in place?

You're doing fantastic OP. What an achievement. Don’t let him take away your shine. We celebrate every win at ours big or small & this isn’t small.

You're not being sensitive, he's being a prick.

Where does he get his information from about this? He sounds like someone who's regurgitating the Daily Mail without any critical thinking.

Ask him what’s been stopping him all this time . What a twat

Are both of you teachers? How are you supposed to help without the requisite expertise? Also you helping in the evenings isn't going to help him for the hours he's at school. He's a disgrace.

Urgh. Well, at least he acknowledges it. My ex won’t budge from the “they’re fine” line. FFS!

In my experience, some stuff regarding ASD and ND in general can be worked on- social cues, impulse control, diet- trying new foods- it’s bloody hard at times but my now teenage son has made headway on stuff I never, ever thought he would when I look back on how he was at 5.

Sensory overload not so much. My
son tries so hard to use his coping strategies but really, what harm are ear defenders (for example) to anyone else? Is your husband embarrassed that your child “looks ND” in public? I think my ex is embarrassed by the things that make our son stand out and while it makes me sad it also just makes me think my ex is a thick, shallow moron. He’s missing out on having a better bond and a better time with his son by fixating over shit that doesn’t matter.

If there was a Wanker emoji that would be my entire response....

He sounds like a complete wanker.

Is he?

What an idiot - ‘drawing a line’ at ear defenders for a 5-year-old. Jesus wept.

Does he have redeeming qualities, OP?

As if 'getting the additional support that your son is legally entitled to is outsourcing parenting. It's when he is in school, not instead of doing stuff with him in evenings and weekends, so doesn't even make any logical sense

Cross-post on the wanker @HappierTimesAhead. Great minds

😂

I was going to say tell him to crack the fuck on then, and let you know when he's fixed everything.

But then I read the bit about the ear defenders. He's an idiot. Tell him to either help or get out the fucking way.

Get you son ear defenders if he needs them. Your husband isn't the boss.

I think some of it is specific to DS, but also generally he dismisses my efforts on other stuff that I do. He says he's not being dismissive, just being honest, but it always makes me feel like rubbish.

There's a word (or two) for that. Let me think really hard... 🤔
oh yes, emotionally abusive.

Emotional abuse includes non-physical behaviors that are meant to control, isolate, or frighten you. This may present in romantic relationships as threats, insults, constant monitoring, excessive jealousy, manipulation, humiliation, intimidation, and dismissiveness, among others. While these emotionally abusive behaviors do not leave physical marks, they do hurt, disempower, and traumatize the partner who is experiencing the abuse.

Sound familiar? He's using your joint child as a weapon to have a go at you.

I don’t think your outsourcing parenting by getting you child the help he needs. Does he expect you to make all of your child’s clothes from scratch? Or is buying a top from next outsourcing parenting?

im flabbergasted.

I would have said “great, you can start tomorrow, whats the plan?”.

Yeah, he is bit of a dick. I can't think of a better way of describing it. His natural reaction to stuff is belittle it, when it comes to me. Weird thing is he will brag about me to people like "Penguin is so determined to get DS all the help he needs. She is amazing with the admin and so persistent" but to my face he is constantly telling me im doing it all wrong

The latest report has DS in the bottom 5% percentile for everything (writing, pencil control) and H is going "well that's just not true" - so yeah I guess there is denial.

But then when I said how upsetting it is to see words like "profound social and behavioural challenges" in reports H said "do you need your head checked - we have known that for years now"

Just feel like if I say the sky is blue he'll tell me it's green.

He's maybe:
In massive denial
Arrogant enough to think you can parent a child in such a way that these extra needs magically disappear
Someone who prides themself on being "old school" and that kids shouldn't be mollycoddled because some kids used to work down a pit or up a chimney

He's definitely:
Thick as shit

He hasn't got your sons back. Thankfully it sounds like you do more than enough to make up for this and you should take pride in what you've done.

He's an absolute fucking cock.

What a twat. I would hit the roof. I’d say yes indeed let’s not be lazy parents anymore. You can demonstrate not being lazy by your 40 minutes reading and 30 minutes some other activity with ds, seeing as I’ve been doing that forever on top of work and all the medical admin side and apparently I’m still a lazy parent then that won’t be anywhere near enough to not classify you as a shit parent but it would be a start. Also, don’t break a leg or anything in the future because I won’t be doing lazy crap like driving you to a hospital, they migth want me to fill in a form and god knows thats just a waste of time so I'll be supportive like you and tell you to walk it off. and while you're at it stop being a shit husband and telling me how crap i am at EVERYTHING and how everything i feel is wrong. stop that now.
I'd be so so pissed off. you poor thing.

Sounds like you're his whipping boy.
You obviously know and understand your DS much better so go with your instincts / superior intellectual ability and raise your lad your way.