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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Strip club stag do imminent wedding

107 replies

Surreyfirsttimemum · 27/06/2024 17:55

DH went on his stag do abroad and told me they went into a strip club, he was offered a private dance but didn’t have one and that it was so awful with dancers being a bit rubbish it was funny. We’ve been together a decade I knew when he was a teenager before we were together he had a private dance with a friend and that same friend had a private dance on his stag where my DH attended when we had been together only a couple of years. We discussed at the time and I expressed how I would call of a wedding in that instance and strongly dislike strip clubs due to specific personal reasons.
we haven’t discussed since I didn’t tell the best man about this for DH stag but I made clear to him that I did not like them and he sent me a text at the airport he loved me and our one year old son and will behave.
when I found out they went to a strip club I was distraught, he thought it was ok as he didn’t have a dance and his friends were ‘bored’ and thought it would be funny. We discussed and it became clear that in the past decade we have been together he has been twice before to strip clubs with these friends he didn’t have a private dance but went for a laugh and the women were topless at some, one was abroad. That means he has been 5 times to a strip club and four of those times we were together. I feel physically sick I mean he wasn’t denying it but why not tell me at the time previously especially when he knows I feel so strongly about it. I feel disgusted I want to just forget and move on and get married wedding is in a matter of weeks but I am so angry and feel like I really did make myself clear. I’m not the kind of fiancé that would tell the whole friendship group my views I would think he could stand up for himself but apparently he just goes along with the crowd and doesn’t care enough about me. Any advice on how I can move forward would be appreciated or another view can’t talk to others IRL as I feel it’s so personal my views and I know others do not share them.

OP posts:
AussiUnHomme · 27/06/2024 17:57

Maybe loosen up a bit. Poor bloke.

heldinadream · 27/06/2024 18:01

You have - perfectly reasonable - red lines. He crossed them. Question is, did he really understand what they were and cross them deliberately? Because if he did, he presumably lacks respect for you. Which isn't a great basis for a marriage, OP.

Surprisedmystified · 27/06/2024 18:01

His values don't align with yours.
He has lied to you and is probably still lying about not getting a private dance.
This is the type of man he is. He will continue with this behaviour after you are married.
Personally I wouldn't go ahead with the wedding.

FrenchandSaunders · 27/06/2024 18:02

If he’s a good DH and dad otherwise I would let this go OP

Dotto · 27/06/2024 18:03

I hear you OP. You have specific personal reasons for disliking them, he knew how you felt and agreed. He is spineless. I think it's bad too that they were laughing at the poor workers.

AlmostAJillSandwich · 27/06/2024 18:05

Deal breaker for me, my partner ever steps in a strip club and watches half naked gyrating women then imo he's cheating, no private dance needed to cross that line. Pay to enter even worse, he's paid to cheat. Cheating would be the end of a relationship for me, it's not forgiveable or forgettable.

FknOmniShambles · 27/06/2024 18:06

Maybe loosen up a bit. Poor bloke.
And there's what some blokes think to women's boundaries in a nutshell.

Bigpaintinglittlepainting · 27/06/2024 18:08

Let's face it most people go home if they are bored, not ho to a strip club.

I call bullshit, only you know what he is truly like and you obviously have some underlying concerns about marrying him otherwise you would brush this off.

Surreyfirsttimemum · 27/06/2024 18:14

Thanks for your insight everyone. Other than this I really don’t have underlying concerns in marrying him we have been through so much in our time together he has supported me though difficult times of mine and I with him. I have a new baby and he is a very supportive dad I can’t break up our lives over this it would be silly I am telling myself. I just feel a wave of disappointment and disgust it’s not nice in the build up to a wedding or at all really. Why am I the one that has to just accept how this makes me feel I hate it, makes it feel like it’s my problem I have an issue with it when it’s not at all.

OP posts:
pinkfondu · 27/06/2024 18:14

He didn't tell you because he knew you wouldn't like it. He doesn't believe you would call off the wedding which also follows that he would not think you leave in tge future

JurassicClark · 27/06/2024 18:16

I’m not surprised you are upset. You made it clear that was a boundary for you and he ignored it.

He not only sees no problem with the sexual exploitation of women, he’d rather go along with his mates “for a laugh” than respect your boundaries. Repeatedly.

Surreyfirsttimemum · 27/06/2024 18:16

@pinkfondu youre totally right I think he knew wouldn’t like it but assumes it would not be bad enough for me to call off the wedding and therefore he could get away with it.

OP posts:
BirthdayRainbow · 27/06/2024 18:17

Yuk.

it would be over for me.

Surprisedmystified · 27/06/2024 18:17

AlmostAJillSandwich · 27/06/2024 18:05

Deal breaker for me, my partner ever steps in a strip club and watches half naked gyrating women then imo he's cheating, no private dance needed to cross that line. Pay to enter even worse, he's paid to cheat. Cheating would be the end of a relationship for me, it's not forgiveable or forgettable.

Edited

I agree with this.
Also you say on one of these occasions the strip club visit was abroad and it's well known that in a lit of countries some of these clubs are virtually brothels.

Surreyfirsttimemum · 27/06/2024 18:20

I think it comes down to key questions about what a relationship requires. Do you demand that your partner is perfect? Or do you approach them with the kindness and respect and openness to reconciliation you would want someone to give back to you in the same circumstances?

OP posts:
Sugarnspicenallthingsnaice · 27/06/2024 18:22

Surreyfirsttimemum · 27/06/2024 18:16

@pinkfondu youre totally right I think he knew wouldn’t like it but assumes it would not be bad enough for me to call off the wedding and therefore he could get away with it.

Guy does whatever the fuck he wants and paints his wife as a miserable nag who can be shrugged off. It's a tale as old as time.

TheShellBeach · 27/06/2024 18:25

AussiUnHomme · 27/06/2024 17:57

Maybe loosen up a bit. Poor bloke.

Says another man.
Hmm

TheShellBeach · 27/06/2024 18:26

FrenchandSaunders · 27/06/2024 18:02

If he’s a good DH and dad otherwise I would let this go OP

Good dads don't deliberately cross lines.
The OP made her feelings quite clear.

AussiUnHomme · 27/06/2024 18:30

TheShellBeach · 27/06/2024 18:25

Says another man.
Hmm

😂

TheShellBeach · 27/06/2024 18:31

Surreyfirsttimemum · 27/06/2024 18:20

I think it comes down to key questions about what a relationship requires. Do you demand that your partner is perfect? Or do you approach them with the kindness and respect and openness to reconciliation you would want someone to give back to you in the same circumstances?

I trust my husband and he wouldn't go to a strip club anyway. He knows I'd absolutely hate it.

Your fiance has gone against your boundaries several times. That's worrying IMO.

Hotwickhow · 27/06/2024 18:34

Save yourself any further, repeated disappointment and just end it. There's no going back after something like this.

Remind yourself why you are getting married?
Love
Respect
Want dc
Companionship
Sex
Two income household

Weigh it up. Love yourself. You clearly are weighing it up and do hold yourself to some esteem. Go with your gut instinct. You can rebuild anything, yourself even. You as in just 'you' only have this at life, don't fuck it up if some other person (no matter how much you've invested) can't do for you what you would do for them or yourself. RESPECT yourself!

Surprisedmystified · 27/06/2024 18:44

Surreyfirsttimemum · 27/06/2024 18:20

I think it comes down to key questions about what a relationship requires. Do you demand that your partner is perfect? Or do you approach them with the kindness and respect and openness to reconciliation you would want someone to give back to you in the same circumstances?

It sounds as though you really want to overlook what he has done.
He has lied to you, he views women as sex objects for his gratification and seeks sexual experience outside your relationship And also his friends appear to have the same views as him. But you seem to be arguing this is just a little foible and you want to overlook it because you think the relationship is good otherwise.
That's fine if you are willing to accept that this is what the future holds for you. That you are marrying a man who has shown he doesn't respect you and doesn't respect women. Who will do exactly what he and his like minded pals want to do, regardless of the hurt it causes you.

cheddercherry · 27/06/2024 18:48

For me the strip club is almost irrelevant it’s more the fact he’s;

lied to you over many years
hid parts of what he’s done with his mates from you
can’t say no to his mates
crossed your very clear and very simple red line no less than 4 times over years

He doesn’t respect you, at least not when you’re not about, I’m sure he’s lovely in person to you but it sounds like as soon as you’re out of earshot you’re not even an afterthought and he’s obviously comfy enough to know you won’t call off the wedding, just like he’ll assume in 5 years time when he’s probably still going to strip clubs that you won’t divorce him…

Surreyfirsttimemum · 27/06/2024 18:59

@cheddercherry yes he did say oh but I will have to go again when it’s x my other friends stag do if I am the best man and I said absolutely not. And then he said oh if you feel so strongly then I wouldn’t as if he doesn’t remember what I have said previously. You’re right if I am fine with it now it’s just a green light to him like I will never divorce him when he does it again in future. :(

OP posts:
TheShellBeach · 27/06/2024 18:59

OP I'm sure you don't want to cancel the wedding, but I have a terrible feeling that if you don't, you're going to regret it within 6 months.

Be very careful. Divorce takes ages and costs a lot.