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Original poster

Strip club stag do imminent wedding

107 replies

Surreyfirsttimemum · 27/06/2024 17:55

DH went on his stag do abroad and told me they went into a strip club, he was offered a private dance but didn’t have one and that it was so awful with dancers being a bit rubbish it was funny. We’ve been together a decade I knew when he was a teenager before we were together he had a private dance with a friend and that same friend had a private dance on his stag where my DH attended when we had been together only a couple of years. We discussed at the time and I expressed how I would call of a wedding in that instance and strongly dislike strip clubs due to specific personal reasons.
we haven’t discussed since I didn’t tell the best man about this for DH stag but I made clear to him that I did not like them and he sent me a text at the airport he loved me and our one year old son and will behave.
when I found out they went to a strip club I was distraught, he thought it was ok as he didn’t have a dance and his friends were ‘bored’ and thought it would be funny. We discussed and it became clear that in the past decade we have been together he has been twice before to strip clubs with these friends he didn’t have a private dance but went for a laugh and the women were topless at some, one was abroad. That means he has been 5 times to a strip club and four of those times we were together. I feel physically sick I mean he wasn’t denying it but why not tell me at the time previously especially when he knows I feel so strongly about it. I feel disgusted I want to just forget and move on and get married wedding is in a matter of weeks but I am so angry and feel like I really did make myself clear. I’m not the kind of fiancé that would tell the whole friendship group my views I would think he could stand up for himself but apparently he just goes along with the crowd and doesn’t care enough about me. Any advice on how I can move forward would be appreciated or another view can’t talk to others IRL as I feel it’s so personal my views and I know others do not share them.

OP posts:
Bertsmum22 · 27/06/2024 20:56

I think it depends why.
I used to be massively insecure and jealous and always said I hated the thought of DH going. Now I don’t actually mind as long as he doesn’t have a private dance as I feel that’s too intimate. If he ends up going with friends then so be it. I mean I don’t love the idea but am happy with myself and know that he won’t be leaving me for another woman just because she’s dancing naked!
That being said I don’t think he’s likely to go anyway!

lillypaddling · 27/06/2024 20:57

@Sookafatwan

I did give that option, I said he could just go to another bar and meet them there or if it was the end of the night he could go back to the hotel with the other respectable husbands (if there is any) but he said he'd rather not go than have to sit outside and miss out so I said fine by me, don't go then!

Sookafatwan · 27/06/2024 20:58

lillypaddling · 27/06/2024 20:57

@Sookafatwan

I did give that option, I said he could just go to another bar and meet them there or if it was the end of the night he could go back to the hotel with the other respectable husbands (if there is any) but he said he'd rather not go than have to sit outside and miss out so I said fine by me, don't go then!

That man knows his place!

PTSDBarbiegirl · 27/06/2024 20:59

If its all cool, just book a naked male cleaner on the day of his return.

Spotto · 27/06/2024 21:03

Several issues.

If he's being honest that he didn't want to go in, I wouldn't be able to respect a man so spineless he couldn't say "I'm not going into the strip club, see you guys later"

If he's lying, then I wouldn't want to be with a man I couldn't trust. I'd also assume he's lying about other things, such as whether or not he had a private dance.

I also wouldn't be able to respect a man who partakes in such an exploitative industry, or who claims he "laughed" at sexually exploited workers

EatTheGnome · 27/06/2024 21:06

So he lied before, went after an ultimatum and apparently doesn't like them but goes because his mates make him? Mate, he's having you right on.

I can see the temptation to brush it under the rug but his attitude is such that I think you'll be divorced within 10 years because he just wants to use words to tell you what want to hear to get you off his back.

Have a baby with him, tell him the nights are exhausting...he'll tell you he will get up too... and he might...for a few nights.

Be honest, do you have other doubts? Do you generally do the heavy lifting? Does he defer to his mates plans all the time? Want loads of lads holiday?

TheShellBeach · 27/06/2024 21:08

Sookafatwan · 27/06/2024 20:58

That man knows his place!

Show quote history

No. He simply respects his wife.

MrsSkylerWhite · 27/06/2024 21:09

AussiUnHomme · Today 17:57
Maybe loosen up a bit. Poor bloke.

Jesus you have appallingly low standards.

Red line for me, OP. Happily married for 35 years. Love him very much. If I discovered he’d done this, he’d be out.

GoneFishingToday · 27/06/2024 21:10

OP, I think you need to cancel the wedding. As others have pointed out, if you go ahead with it now, you're giving him a green light to do whatever the hell he likes in the future, knowing that you're always going to put up with it, rather than walk away. You made it clear that this was a deal breaker for you, so if that's really the case, then I'm afraid you need to say goodbye.

TheShellBeach · 27/06/2024 21:10

GoneFishingToday · 27/06/2024 21:10

OP, I think you need to cancel the wedding. As others have pointed out, if you go ahead with it now, you're giving him a green light to do whatever the hell he likes in the future, knowing that you're always going to put up with it, rather than walk away. You made it clear that this was a deal breaker for you, so if that's really the case, then I'm afraid you need to say goodbye.

This.
Sorry, OP.

CaptainOliviaBenson · 27/06/2024 21:18

AussiUnHomme · 27/06/2024 17:57

Maybe loosen up a bit. Poor bloke.

So you'd be fine if your partner went to a club (ordinary, not strip) and danced with a woman who was only wearing a pair of knickers and heels?

CaptainOliviaBenson · 27/06/2024 21:19

Surreyfirsttimemum · 27/06/2024 18:16

@pinkfondu youre totally right I think he knew wouldn’t like it but assumes it would not be bad enough for me to call off the wedding and therefore he could get away with it.

OP, if you let him get away with this, what else will he think he can get away with?

bluebeck · 27/06/2024 21:21

I think if I were in your position I’d cancel the wedding.

You have lost respect for him and can see he has no respect for you. That’s not a great basis for marriage.

coldcallerbaiter · 27/06/2024 21:22

Have a hen do and go to a club yourself, come back and tel him about the muscles. Take pics and compare the men to him, and say it’s just a laugh….

Sookafatwan · 27/06/2024 21:22

Were any of his stag dos abroad? Their rules on strip clubs can be more lax.

CaptainOliviaBenson · 27/06/2024 21:22

Applepencilplant · 27/06/2024 19:30

My DH went to a very risque strip club on his stag do. That was 25 years go.
I have no idea why you would care. If he's going to cheat he can do it walking to Lidl or in his lunch break.

I've no idea why you think all women should adhere to your lack of boundaries.

CaptainOliviaBenson · 27/06/2024 21:24

pinkyredrose · 27/06/2024 20:20

You call that cheating?

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Yes!

TheShellBeach · 27/06/2024 21:25

Sookafatwan · 27/06/2024 21:22

Were any of his stag dos abroad? Their rules on strip clubs can be more lax.

That doesn't make them any less disrespectful to women.

TheShellBeach · 27/06/2024 21:26

CaptainOliviaBenson · 27/06/2024 21:22

I've no idea why you think all women should adhere to your lack of boundaries.

Show quote history

Neither do I!

Sookafatwan · 27/06/2024 21:27

TheShellBeach · 27/06/2024 21:25

That doesn't make them any less disrespectful to women.

Show quote history

Indeed, it makes them all the more disrespectful as I meant they can be offering more services than those in the UK.

EsmeSusanOgg · 27/06/2024 21:31

Can you postpone the wedding without too much financial hardship? If you want to give him an opportunity to really make amends, but also make clear how serious a breach of trust this was, can you ask to posh back the wedding date until you gave had couples counselling?

Mnk711 · 27/06/2024 21:36

If you've told him do this and I will call the wedding off, and he's done it anyway, you really do need to call the wedding off, even if postponing for now, if you want him to respect your boundaries. If there's already a problem with him crossing boundaries it won't get any better. That said I do think it's quite a normal thing for men to go to strip clubs for stag dos and it's not necessarily that easy to say no in certain groups, so I think it's tricky. If I knew my partner felt strongly about something that I needed or wanted to do then I would have a conversation with them about it. That's what he should have done - hey Surrey, I know how you feel about strip clubs but Bob has booked us into one for Bill's stag. I don't feel I can get out of it. Etc. So the lying for me is the main issue. But again if you have set out a boundary and a condition for breachkng it if you just let it go the person will do it again and again.

TheShellBeach · 27/06/2024 21:49

He's trampled all over your boundaries, over and over again.

Think very carefully before going ahead with the wedding.

Klippityklopp · 27/06/2024 22:11

I'm not going to comment regarding the strip club as tbf that is irrelevant.
You said to your DH that if he did something that wasn't acceptable to you you would call off the wedding, he's went ahead and did it so the ball is firmly in your court, you either follow through on your threat or get married. If you decide to get married you can't keep bringing it up as you are well aware his morals don't match yours before you got married

Noseybookworm · 27/06/2024 22:17

It's just so grim and sleazy 🤢 I would lose all respect for him to be honest. That's not a good basis for a marriage. He's so weak that he can't lose face in front of his friends by saying no?