Strip club stag do imminent wedding

[Surreyfirsttimemum]

DH went on his stag do abroad and told me they went into a strip club, he was offered a private dance but didn’t have one and that it was so awful with dancers being a bit rubbish it was funny. We’ve been together a decade I knew when he was a teenager before we were together he had a private dance with a friend and that same friend had a private dance on his stag where my DH attended when we had been together only a couple of years. We discussed at the time and I expressed how I would call of a wedding in that instance and strongly dislike strip clubs due to specific personal reasons.
we haven’t discussed since I didn’t tell the best man about this for DH stag but I made clear to him that I did not like them and he sent me a text at the airport he loved me and our one year old son and will behave.
when I found out they went to a strip club I was distraught, he thought it was ok as he didn’t have a dance and his friends were ‘bored’ and thought it would be funny. We discussed and it became clear that in the past decade we have been together he has been twice before to strip clubs with these friends he didn’t have a private dance but went for a laugh and the women were topless at some, one was abroad. That means he has been 5 times to a strip club and four of those times we were together. I feel physically sick I mean he wasn’t denying it but why not tell me at the time previously especially when he knows I feel so strongly about it. I feel disgusted I want to just forget and move on and get married wedding is in a matter of weeks but I am so angry and feel like I really did make myself clear. I’m not the kind of fiancé that would tell the whole friendship group my views I would think he could stand up for himself but apparently he just goes along with the crowd and doesn’t care enough about me. Any advice on how I can move forward would be appreciated or another view can’t talk to others IRL as I feel it’s so personal my views and I know others do not share them.

I guess you need to consider if you feel strongly enough about this you’re going to cancel the wedding and end the relationship. For some people maybe they would, the majority wouldn’t, and remember what people say on here are just answers to hypothetical situations. This is your situation and if he was an otherwise good father and partner I wouldn’t be throwing it away over a visit to a strip club. But I don’t feel that strongly over those places, I’d be far more annoyed him chatting a girl up in a bar

You tend to go wherever the stag and best man want to go when on stag so there were no strip clubs on mine. I know some guys who are mad for them though and will happily drop a crazy amount of cash in them.

Your husband cheated on you 25 years ago....

In my opinion. The OP has different boundaries to you so I don't see your point.

Knowing what I know now I would end it and absolutely not get married. What's the point in getting married? He's already seeking sexual experience outside of the relationship and this will only continue on every trip away or night out forever. It doesn't end when you get married, and in my experience the behaviour gets worse and more brazen as they know divorce is so bloody expensive and difficult.

I'd tell my younger sell to cut my losses and hope that I find a kind, considerate and caring bloke who is respectful and trustworthy. If not, I'd rather be single. Absolutely fantastic that you can financially support yourself. Run for the hills.

Yuk

My DH didn't have a stag do, and has never been on one.
I don't think we know anyone who has.

To be honest to not know anyone who has been on a stag do (hen dos as well?) is a bit unusual? I have been on probably a dozen plus stag dos, most were of the paintballing, go karting, golf weekend, curry etc variety that ended up in the hotel/late bar.

I agree but you'll get many people telling you to leave him.

Yep.

You call that cheating?

No, I don't know anyone who's been on a hen do, either.

I think it's subjective.

The PP would call it cheating and so would I.

If you live in the UK I would suggest that is highly unusual.

If you're the higher earner and you have no need to marry for protection, I would delay. He told you now because he thinks you won't back out at this point. But you can. Enforcing boundaries is never wasted.

Even if you eventually do marry, after thought and time and discussion, it's important that you just don't marry feeling shit because you're at that point.

Yes I do. I agree it is a subjective and I am very liberal sexually but if my HB went to a stripclub in secret when I'd expressed it as a boundary then 100percent cheating in my opinion.

Yes, we live in the UK.

I have the same boundaries. My DP has been to strip clubs before me on a few stag dos and when we got together I discussed my hatred for them. He has since turned down stag dos when he knows they will be going to a stag do.
I too have told my DP that I would call the wedding off if i found out he'd gone to a strip club on his stag do. And I would with no shame. Vile places.

He could have just enjoyed the stag do but sat out the half hour or so they'd be in the lap dancing bar.

I don't demand anything.

I don't require, expect or need a partner to be perfect.

But I do expect them to regard women as human beings and not as either sex objects for entertainment or whatever alternative category I'd fall into.

I'm engaged at the moment. I suspect we're both past stag/hen do's but, we're it to happen, I'd consider a strip club to be a deal breaker. Private dance or not.

The fact you've discovered he's been several times during your relationship would finish it for me.

Being a single parent to a 1 year old is hard. But a whole lot easier than being in a relationship with someone you don't trust and who doesn't respect you.

I agree.

Cheating is anything that falls outside the agreed boundaries within a relationship.

Ugh.

All these fellas who allegedly find it “boring” or “funny” or “just went along with it but didn’t take part”….yeah right. They must think their partners are fools.

When you eventually divorce, how will you feel about paying him CM?

Do you own property together?

IKR? Things people around me have done and I haven't are myriad. Drugs, grenades (Asia), dangerous sports without safety gear etc. And then I've done things; bungee jumped etc. and friends with me have been "yeah no". It's entirely possible to go places with friends and not do things you don't want.

Except, weirdly, men and objectifying women. Then it's impossible to resist.

He didn’t do it because he felt he had to go along with the crowd he did it because he wanted to go into a strip club if he didn’t want to he wouldn’t have.
I don’t think I would divorce him if you love each other and like your relationship generally but I would want to get even and fair and square and do something of the equivalent