Post birth visit from parents

[Sorrelia]

I just gave birth to a beautiful baby girl and I was beyond happy with the birth experience, my stay in hospital and recovery.

However, when DH and I came back home with our newborn, we had the bad surprise of coming back to all my personal belongings (think diaries, photos etc), scattered everywhere in the flat. My mum and dad came to help us take care of DD1 who is a toddler (3), and stayed at the hotel with her during the night, enjoying the flat with DD1 during the day while we were at the hospital.

I gritted my teeth as they were on their way with DD1 to meet our newborn, and the encounter was sweet, with my mum and dad gushing over her, and DD1 being over the moon.

But the next morning, as I was tidying up this box my personal items came from, I became really angry as I saw several ripped photos, the print i made of my daughter at birth (DD1) broken in half, and a letter that my grandmother wrote for the first birthday of DD1 missing (I haven't found it and looked everywhere for several hours). The letter itself was in a card that I found opened under our bed, so I think it's fair to say it's the whole unsupervised rummaging that led to its loss.

What really irates me is that I have told my mum on countless occasions not to let DD1 rummage through things that are not hers. Countless times. I say it everytime my mother visits, and everytime I find either my daughter rummaging through her handbag, or my handbag, or anything that basically isn't hers, under the supervision of my mum.

So this time I saw red, I called my mum to the hotel in the morning and in utter frustration I must admit I shouted. I said I was tired of repeating always the same thing, that I didn't understand why she opened that box for DD1 which was in our parental bedroom on my side of the bed, and that, to her own admission, she let her basically rip it apart unsupervised as she was working during that time, in our bedroom.

It seems like a menial thing when literally the most beautiful moment of the birth of my daughter happened but I am at a loss. I have no patience left with my mother, I feel powerless, she takes so much of my mental energy even onnthe happiest moments of my life.

I love her but eachtime she visits she doesn't
listen to me, and I catch her doing the exact opposite of what I ask her to do.

Worst is, she doesn't offer a real apology. She never does. She really upset me with this on the day after I've given birth and her only answer is I love you, I didn't mean to anger you, why do you shout at me. And then tears, so I'm the bad guy for shouting. She doesn't understand that you don't let a toddler rummage through their parents personal items in a closed box in the parental bedroom. She still doesn't get it, even after I explained to her that she shouldn't have opened this box and let her unsupervised, as a result items that were very dear to me were destroyed or lost.

I wrangled a half apology from her but she never said sincerely she was sorry, and now since she cried in front of my toddler and dad, my dad is taking her side saying I shouldn't shout on her. She said to my grandmother she didn't do anything wrong, and that I was tired and emotional from the birth but SHE made me emotional, I was so happy before coming back to our flat!

And as per usual, she now has left, leaving me confused as to how she doesn't understand her behaviour is not normal
or OK and sends me very sweet messages as if nothing happened.

I truly believe she has no bad intentions, she has wonderful qualities, is always on my side and supports me financially and emotionally but it's reached a point where I dread her visits, she is an absolute emotional drain on me and I find her behaviour hurtful.

I guess my AIBU is; am I right for being upset at what happened?

What could explain her behaviour?
And also, how can I get past that and improve our relationship so she stops taking so much of my mental energy. DH agrees she is a drain but doesn't know what to do
either. He's just fed up. It's been like this since the birth of my daughter 3 years ago and getting worse :(

Please help me understand whether AIBU and how to fix this.

I would be really upset about this. The not really listening is so frustrating - have a step mum who is similar, knows best so anything I say is ignored as oh don't worry (I am not worried, I just want you to listen and respect what I say). I limit their time and only allow to babysit when I have control over the environment as I don't trust them plus we have locks on our doors so can keep people out of spaces they shouldn't be in.

I’m with you. The damage is one thing but my real issue is people (yes including my children) rifling through my possessions and invading privacy.

Can you talk to mum calmly and explain (again) how unacceptable you find this. Is there anything you could use as a comparator that your mum would object to being manhandled (family photos, personal documentation, her prized train set and it’s accessories or maybe her jewellery) without permission?
Think that’s the only way to get her to engage.

You keep her at arms' length from now on. Short visits, a cup of tea and off she goes. No babysitting, no involvement, no chances to fuck up. That's the only way forward.

She won't change. People don't change. Don't give her the opportunity to fuck up like this again.

I’m sorry but the only thing you can do is distance yourself and never let her with your kids unsupervised. If it’s important to her to be in your life she can reflect and change; there is nothing you can do to make her change. I get you as I wouldn’t trust my mother with a pet rock, let alone with my child as nice of a woman she is

I agree she’s had her chances now - if you can avoid it, never leave DD under her supervision because she’s clearly shown she’s not going to stop DD getting into things she shouldn’t and that could even become a safety risk (what if it had been a box of beads or something and she had swallowed one?). Short visits only and ideally not in your flat.

Congratulations on your new baby OP!!

Just a couple of questions though. Where was your DDad while all this was happening? What was he doing while your DM was not supervising your DD and trying to work at the same time? If they were both there to look after her why did it all fall to your DM?

Not saying she shouldn’t be listening to you, she definitely should, but it wasn’t just her there.

She has no boundaries, doesn't see that you and she are separate, that you can want something different from what she wants and so will be cross when she does something you asked her not to do.

I've met children like this- they know they are a sweet, loving, precious little poppet and so believe everything they do is fine because they are a darling little cherub who can do no wrong.

All you can do is engineer the situation. The box of special stuff must be up out of sight on top of a wardrobe.

Every time something happens that's not supposed to happen, future visits need to be prepared for to accommodate that.

Feed DC icecream for breakfast? No more mealtime visits.
Keep DC up til 2am? No more overnights.

Let DC rummage through Mummy's jewellery box? DC must visit in their house, not yours.

I'd also be really upset about my things being ruined. Is it possible for your parents to look after your children at their house instead of yours? That would avoid this happening again. Also I would try and reinforce the message to my 3 year old not to go into people's handbags, so they know what is off-limits, or keep stuff out of reach or locked away.

I wouldn't let her with my child in my flat again. She can babysit in her own house.

Why are you only pissed off with your mum, not your dad who was also supposed to be looking after your child?

She’s a toddler. Treat her like one. Take things away, establish boundaries, say No frequently. Sounds like she was never told No when she was little. You can still have a loving - but firm- relationship.

YANBU. It is not really possible to work and look after a child. What was your Dad doing. I don’t understand why you didn’t talk it through with your parents before you went into labour who would be doing what.
My husband and I look after our grandchildren 2 days a week. At 3 we would have an eye on them nearly all the time. If either of us need to do something for 10 minutes will tell the other one.

When things like this happen I always step back and remind myself that adults know exactly what they're doing. Yes, there are people who have less self awareness than others, but as grown adults everybody knows how they affect others. It sounds like she's ignoring your wishes on purpose.
For her to literally open the box for your toddler and proceed to allow her to destroy things means she's very much aware of what she's doing.

Why was a box of “precious items” within reach of a toddler - put them on a shelf out of the way.

Draw a line .. stop taking her financial support, stop having her look after your children on her own, do it yourself to your own standards

So your mum was working but wanted to try and help you so she said she'd look after your child? Sounds like she was doing you a favour. If she's supposed to be working of course she can't have eyes on your kid 100% of the time. You should have got paid childcare if that's what you wanted. You sound ungrateful.

The very obvious answer is don’t use her for childcare as everyone has said.

To answer the couple questions here; she's in a liberal profession and no, she didn't tell me she had to work. The whole thing is that she wouldn't. She told me she completely cleared her work calendar to support us on this special week, which I was obviously very grateful for. Apparently it was just "one conference call" she had to make at that time and I don't know why my dad wasn't superviaing her, she told me he was preparing food in the kitchen. I think it was a lapse in judgment and she shoupd have watched her. The opening of the box was very much intentional, my toddler cannot open it by herself, irs got special safery handles that can only be opened by adults (hencewhy I put my prized posessions in there).

Fair point.

I dont think you should have irreplaceable things to hand when you know your Mum isn't good at boundaries with your child. However, it's shit of your Mum to not watch her properly.

I assume OP’s place has more than the adult’s bedroom. Why was she working out of your bedroom and not a common space within the house?

So that makes it intentional and SO SO MUCH WORSE.

The trust is broken. If you let her babysit or alone in the house again, it will be your fault. You know what she's like, act accordingly. What a disappointment she is.

I think if she opened it to keep her occupied/stop her whinging so she could carry on a work call (when she told you she wasn't working) that's unacceptable. One person in the kitchen cooking and the other working is not supervision of a 3 year old.

I'd be really pissed about this too. Such sentimental things us mum save. The only thing you can do is hide them even better not that you should have to

She has her own law firm so she is always working, I've put up with it my whole life. But just for this week, I had been speaking with her months in advance, making sure she was up for it, didn't have to work, that she understood that work wasn't welcome at that time and that if she offered her support, she needed to be there for us fully.
I really thought we cracked it.
But no, despite her reassurances, she still had to make that conf call that I only knew about when I asked her what happened.
It wouldn't have been difficult for her to ask my dad to supervise my toddler during that time.
I think @HandsDown84 is spot on, she must have opened it as my toddler was in the bedroom with her (we have plenty of communal spaces with nothing sensitive at hand, no idea why she was in our bedroom which ideally would be off limits), and opened it/let her rummage through it to keep her occupied while she was handling the business.
So no necessqrily bad intentions but work, again, always, and a total disregard of boundaries and everything I keep telling her.
@BabyFedUp445 what a disappointment indeed, I feel very hurt and actually upset at her. I always let it go, every similar episode but I feel like this time I can't. I have so many stories like this where she does the opposite of what I ask her to do. And wverytime I feel bad for the argument because yes, she is a wonderful person who adores me and her grandkids.
Hence why I posted here, to see if I was in the wrong as she makes me feel I am.

Thank you for all your answers.

Could you get a cupboard that locks and keep the key on you so she can’t find it when she’s rummaging through your stuff?