Post birth visit from parents

[Sorrelia]

I just gave birth to a beautiful baby girl and I was beyond happy with the birth experience, my stay in hospital and recovery.

However, when DH and I came back home with our newborn, we had the bad surprise of coming back to all my personal belongings (think diaries, photos etc), scattered everywhere in the flat. My mum and dad came to help us take care of DD1 who is a toddler (3), and stayed at the hotel with her during the night, enjoying the flat with DD1 during the day while we were at the hospital.

I gritted my teeth as they were on their way with DD1 to meet our newborn, and the encounter was sweet, with my mum and dad gushing over her, and DD1 being over the moon.

But the next morning, as I was tidying up this box my personal items came from, I became really angry as I saw several ripped photos, the print i made of my daughter at birth (DD1) broken in half, and a letter that my grandmother wrote for the first birthday of DD1 missing (I haven't found it and looked everywhere for several hours). The letter itself was in a card that I found opened under our bed, so I think it's fair to say it's the whole unsupervised rummaging that led to its loss.

What really irates me is that I have told my mum on countless occasions not to let DD1 rummage through things that are not hers. Countless times. I say it everytime my mother visits, and everytime I find either my daughter rummaging through her handbag, or my handbag, or anything that basically isn't hers, under the supervision of my mum.

So this time I saw red, I called my mum to the hotel in the morning and in utter frustration I must admit I shouted. I said I was tired of repeating always the same thing, that I didn't understand why she opened that box for DD1 which was in our parental bedroom on my side of the bed, and that, to her own admission, she let her basically rip it apart unsupervised as she was working during that time, in our bedroom.

It seems like a menial thing when literally the most beautiful moment of the birth of my daughter happened but I am at a loss. I have no patience left with my mother, I feel powerless, she takes so much of my mental energy even onnthe happiest moments of my life.

I love her but eachtime she visits she doesn't
listen to me, and I catch her doing the exact opposite of what I ask her to do.

Worst is, she doesn't offer a real apology. She never does. She really upset me with this on the day after I've given birth and her only answer is I love you, I didn't mean to anger you, why do you shout at me. And then tears, so I'm the bad guy for shouting. She doesn't understand that you don't let a toddler rummage through their parents personal items in a closed box in the parental bedroom. She still doesn't get it, even after I explained to her that she shouldn't have opened this box and let her unsupervised, as a result items that were very dear to me were destroyed or lost.

I wrangled a half apology from her but she never said sincerely she was sorry, and now since she cried in front of my toddler and dad, my dad is taking her side saying I shouldn't shout on her. She said to my grandmother she didn't do anything wrong, and that I was tired and emotional from the birth but SHE made me emotional, I was so happy before coming back to our flat!

And as per usual, she now has left, leaving me confused as to how she doesn't understand her behaviour is not normal
or OK and sends me very sweet messages as if nothing happened.

I truly believe she has no bad intentions, she has wonderful qualities, is always on my side and supports me financially and emotionally but it's reached a point where I dread her visits, she is an absolute emotional drain on me and I find her behaviour hurtful.

I guess my AIBU is; am I right for being upset at what happened?

What could explain her behaviour?
And also, how can I get past that and improve our relationship so she stops taking so much of my mental energy. DH agrees she is a drain but doesn't know what to do
either. He's just fed up. It's been like this since the birth of my daughter 3 years ago and getting worse :(

Please help me understand whether AIBU and how to fix this.

Exactly my feeling. Puzzled. Absolutely puzzled. Oh and I'm not financially dependent, she helped us with the deposit for our flat which is plenty but no other financial help since I've started working in my twenties.

OP you may benefit from reading ‘Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents: How to Heal from Distant, Rejecting, or Self-Involved Parents
di Lindsay C Gibson
it sounds like your mother falls into at least one of the groups in the book.

sorry but you can't trust her so you have to control access. No more support, no more financial support, nothing that means that you owe her and you say when she can visit and its always when you are there.

This IS toxic though, I had if for years with my mum. Doing exactly this is very toxic. Allowing your child to destroy things fhaf have sentimental value like. Photos And letters is really mean.

I'd be furious

1)For giving her the box
2) For the lack of supervison - your DD could have been injured or done something dangerous
3) For not listening
4) For you to not be important enough to listen to

I'm gutted for you - I'd be beside myself

@Sorrelia
No not a wonderful person

And she doesn't adore you enough to listen or to follow through with her promises

Not dementia

She doesn't care

It doesn't matter to her, so it doesn't matter

It's NOT nothing at all and the OP isn't a spoilt brat

Her mother, under the guise of 'helping' has just trampled all over her.

Why are you listening to this?

This is why your mother continues to trample all over you because she's 'kind' and 'loving' and 'helpful'

Except she's not.

Stop letting her get away with it

She has her own law firm so she is always working, I've put up with it my whole life. But just for this week, I had been speaking with her months in advance, making sure she was up for it, didn't have to work, that she understood that work wasn't welcome at that time and that if she offered her support, she needed to be there for us fully

You expected her to take a full week off? To not work and stay in a hotel for a week or do I have that jumbled?

For the week of the birth I mean, she wanted to stay from the day of the birth (wednesday) until sunday.

I'm sorry, for an intelligent woman to deliberately open a child safe box, then allow the child to destroy the contents has to be intentional. How can it not be ?
In the best scenario, she got distracted by a call, but then she should have removed child & taken her to the second responsible adult to watch over.
and then she also left the whole room covered in your precious stuff when you are ^just coming home with a newborn...^ . Shoddy uncaring behaviour.

Same with the beads. she deliberately allowed it to happen 3 times...
I would tell her no she can't babysit she is not trustworthy. Or if she does, you lock your bedroom door & Say "off limits after the shit fest you allowed last time".

I think most parents would take the time off for their child. We actually prefer to stay in an hotel when visiting out adult children. It gives us both a bit of space.

You've said a couple of things that make me wonder of part of the problem is that your mother doesn't actually know how to parent, how to prioritize a child's needs over hers, and simply doesn't care enough to learn.

She was absent a lot when you were little, handing you off to nanny's etc, treated you like a less-important friend as a teen and now as an adult can't deal with you if you challenge her and clearly has no respect for you.

She's obviously intelligent, but she's also not prepared to apply that to anything that doesn't interest her. She's also obviously very keen on the easy route - handing over whatever the kid wants rather than deal with negative reactions and turning on tears herself rather than engaging constructively.

I would not be falling for this again, and I would make it very, very clear that you no longer trust her with your children

I don't there's anything odd about the OP's mother taking a week off when it's her own firm. Presumably there are other solicitors who are covering for her and she can obviously afford a hotel stay.

Owning a business means that unfortunately there is never really the luxury of taking time off. I think your mum is trying to juggle lots of plates and dropping some.

You say, she’s a great grandma and obviously cares deeply for you. You are very lucky to have her in your life. I understand your annoyance (I’d feel the same) about your belongings being abused by the unsupervised toddler but I’d just accept that your mum is the way she is and her good qualities outweigh the bad. Probably install locks on all rooms you don’t want her to go in and just try and manage her the best you can.

YANBU to be very upset about it but YABU to shout at her. It’s not how adults should communicate with each other and you completely lost the moral high ground. I think you’re going to have to accept that you can’t leave your parents and your kids alone in your home.

It's as if she hasn't - or possibly can't - accept that you are an adult and autonomous. She deliberately disregards you, and continues to do as she pleases because she always has - and she doesn't like saying no. I wouldn't want to deprive her of the enjoyment of grandmotherhood, but equally I wouldn't trust her to babysit on her own.

Her tears seem a bit manipulative to me. She knows she's in the wrong but is crying so that you'll shut up about it.

@PurpleHiker @bellocchild I think you are both absolutely spot on. Thank you for giving me that perspective, makes complete sense. And @Nosleepforthismum thank you for you sense of nuance here, I truly believe that as well. She is exhausted by her work and can never stop. But it's now about safety, if she doesn't listen to me she can't have unsupervised time anymore, I would be beside myself if something happened.

So your dad was there making lunch-why did that mean he couldn't also watch your daughter?

Sounds as if your mum was busy so opened the box for her rather than send her away.

Are they both clueless where kids are concerned?

I meant to thank you too @ginnybag I think rhere is a lot
of truth in your analysis, never considered that before.

I think my mum was doing the easy way out yes, and summarising what previous posters said:

1. lacks boundaries (easier to say yes than no to a toddler)
2. is overworked (opened the box to keep toddler occupied during her work call)
3. generally doesn't have great instincts (toddler work at my house was very much nanny led)
4. and then generally doesn't respect me as an adult and doesnt respect me (she loves me but doesn't respect what I say)

This has to be an ultimatum now, next time she calls me all chirpy pretending nothing happened or downplaying it as always, I am going to tell her that unless she listens to me and do what I say with my children, I am not going to let her babysit. And that all I want is for her to have this relationship with them but that it is now a safety issue. And counterbalance saying she is angreat grandma, great mum etc. I just spoke to DH who allowed me at last to put his name into it to give more weight to what I say, because he agrees. So I will add DH agrees and that we both need her to change and listen to me, and that this sort of episode cannot happen anymore again. That this is an ultimatum.

It is going to make her sad, she probably will make it that I am completely overreacting but DH support and your answers showed me I am not, so thank you very much for taking the time to comment.

Hopefully this will be a turning point for us (although Inthought last time was), and I will be able to relax in DM presence.

As I said to DH just now, it is absolutely MENTAL that the most challenging part of parenthood so far has been managing my own mother...Utter disbelief.

YANBU and l don’t not what you mean by fix. The disagreement you just had with her then l wouldn’t bother, your mum needs to be more respectful and actually switch her brain on. I also don’t see why you need to put things under lock and key in your own room. Changing the way she is going to be going forward then l would spell out to her what is acceptable and what isn’t

My mother like your mother ALWAYS knows best, well she doesn’t but thinks she does. Her house needs to be treated like a shrine e.g. no red wine allowed in the house, no dark jeans on sofas, coaster and tablecloth on tables etc. My house it’s put wet classes on wooden furniture, doesn’t want to take her shoes off, puts dirty wheely suitcase directly on dining room table. She gets aggressive and irritable if asked to treat things with respect e.g. use a coaster

Yep. Completely agree with all this. I think respect has a large part to play in it. Does she respect other things about you?