Post birth visit from parents

[Sorrelia]

I just gave birth to a beautiful baby girl and I was beyond happy with the birth experience, my stay in hospital and recovery.

However, when DH and I came back home with our newborn, we had the bad surprise of coming back to all my personal belongings (think diaries, photos etc), scattered everywhere in the flat. My mum and dad came to help us take care of DD1 who is a toddler (3), and stayed at the hotel with her during the night, enjoying the flat with DD1 during the day while we were at the hospital.

I gritted my teeth as they were on their way with DD1 to meet our newborn, and the encounter was sweet, with my mum and dad gushing over her, and DD1 being over the moon.

But the next morning, as I was tidying up this box my personal items came from, I became really angry as I saw several ripped photos, the print i made of my daughter at birth (DD1) broken in half, and a letter that my grandmother wrote for the first birthday of DD1 missing (I haven't found it and looked everywhere for several hours). The letter itself was in a card that I found opened under our bed, so I think it's fair to say it's the whole unsupervised rummaging that led to its loss.

What really irates me is that I have told my mum on countless occasions not to let DD1 rummage through things that are not hers. Countless times. I say it everytime my mother visits, and everytime I find either my daughter rummaging through her handbag, or my handbag, or anything that basically isn't hers, under the supervision of my mum.

So this time I saw red, I called my mum to the hotel in the morning and in utter frustration I must admit I shouted. I said I was tired of repeating always the same thing, that I didn't understand why she opened that box for DD1 which was in our parental bedroom on my side of the bed, and that, to her own admission, she let her basically rip it apart unsupervised as she was working during that time, in our bedroom.

It seems like a menial thing when literally the most beautiful moment of the birth of my daughter happened but I am at a loss. I have no patience left with my mother, I feel powerless, she takes so much of my mental energy even onnthe happiest moments of my life.

I love her but eachtime she visits she doesn't
listen to me, and I catch her doing the exact opposite of what I ask her to do.

Worst is, she doesn't offer a real apology. She never does. She really upset me with this on the day after I've given birth and her only answer is I love you, I didn't mean to anger you, why do you shout at me. And then tears, so I'm the bad guy for shouting. She doesn't understand that you don't let a toddler rummage through their parents personal items in a closed box in the parental bedroom. She still doesn't get it, even after I explained to her that she shouldn't have opened this box and let her unsupervised, as a result items that were very dear to me were destroyed or lost.

I wrangled a half apology from her but she never said sincerely she was sorry, and now since she cried in front of my toddler and dad, my dad is taking her side saying I shouldn't shout on her. She said to my grandmother she didn't do anything wrong, and that I was tired and emotional from the birth but SHE made me emotional, I was so happy before coming back to our flat!

And as per usual, she now has left, leaving me confused as to how she doesn't understand her behaviour is not normal
or OK and sends me very sweet messages as if nothing happened.

I truly believe she has no bad intentions, she has wonderful qualities, is always on my side and supports me financially and emotionally but it's reached a point where I dread her visits, she is an absolute emotional drain on me and I find her behaviour hurtful.

I guess my AIBU is; am I right for being upset at what happened?

What could explain her behaviour?
And also, how can I get past that and improve our relationship so she stops taking so much of my mental energy. DH agrees she is a drain but doesn't know what to do
either. He's just fed up. It's been like this since the birth of my daughter 3 years ago and getting worse :(

Please help me understand whether AIBU and how to fix this.

I would be furious, op, and the cynic in me thinks this absolutely has to be intentional. How could it not be? Your mother is a seemingly educated, intelligent woman who has her own kids, and you have spoken to her about this very issue multiple times. Come on now, WTAF. She has no legitimate excuse as for why she let this happen again.

So she deliberately opened that box? Yeah that’s malicious.

Just learn from this and don’t have her looking after DC again.

I am firmly planning on doing this moving forward @Yellowpingu but it's also other things; last time she had a very long necklace in her handbag that my three year old kept playing with. I told her please mum, don't let her rummage through your bag, put this necklace out of sight, I don't want her to play with it, it is not age appropriate.
One hour later, I see my toddler playing with it AGAIN.
I tell her again, why didn't you put it back in your bag and closed your bag, I don't want this necklace with my toddler. She says ok ok in an annoyed voice as if I am unreasonable/overreacting.

She leaves and comes back home, a week later who do I see playing with this same necklace in the back of my car? You guessed it, my toddler, the necklace had somehow found its way out of my mothers handbag and in my toddler's posession again.

I was so pissed off and it was the latest visit before this one, I thought the point had been made and that we wouldn't see anymore of this.

and now, that.

It's just so draining and frustrating.

I really really hope it's not. I even googled early signs of dementia, that's the point I've reached with her.

You have two healthy children and a Mum who gladly helps you out. You've just had a dreamy birth and a good recovery...what are you winging about? Absolute nonsense. Can you comprehend how lucky you are? stop acting like a spoilt brat over nothing at all! Try thanking your Mum for her help, love and support. It's what 3 year olds do...

It breaks my heart to even contemplate that as she is so in love with my daughters, absolutely adores them and would do anything for them. She just has no concept of boundaries and seems absolutely incapable of changing and follow very simple (and common sense!) directions from me. I assume 99% of people would instinctively know you don't opened a closed box in the parental bedroom with a safety handle for a toddler to rummage unsupervised in.

Thanks @Fishcake15 maybe I need to hear that and I am overly sensitive to the whole thing? DH who is super laid back and usually brushes things off thinks I should kick a fuss though as it's been so many times.

But I'm fully prepared to hear I need to shut up and just be grateful. Which I am by the way.

Unfortunately op, this will have to be the way. Can she take dd1 out, or only visit when you are there to supervise.

No hou aren't over reacting. She let child destroy things of personal and sentimental value. It's not like it was lipstick you can replace... these are things no one can replace.

You are NOT over reacting, you need to keep at arms length as she doesn't see what she's doing is wrong.

I'd be mortified if a child on my watch destroyed letters.and photos, it would NEVER happen. Its so rude and. Disrespectful.

Ripping up photos and breaking things in half is only what 3 year olds do if someone opens the box for them -because it's easier than saying no.

?What planet are you on?

The mother let child ruin photos and letter... sentimental valuable things.

Mother was letting child in off limits areas of ops personal bedroom space.

Nothing wrong with ops response.

A lot wrong with yours.

You made your parents stay at a hotel when they were looking after your child??

So what, for God's sake. Some of the posts on here from people who have lost children or are bringing up children with no support are heartbreaking and then you've got silliness like this. A three year old child has made a bit of a mess and it's the end of the world...some people need to really grow up.

@Blahblah34 they preferred it this way as they arrived on the morning of the birth (c section) and in the hospital I was in, you only spend one night after the c section. So they could only have spent one night at ours anyway (I have no spare bedroom). No pettiness on my part here! They usually always stay at ours but the spare bedroom has been converted into a nursery.

Also letting child play with necklaces is choking hazard, mother seems dangerous.

Might want to check out advice on toxic mothers, only option is forcyiurxosn sanity and safety of children is to go low contact.

Give over.

She's not toxic but I think indeed I need to let the visits supervised since she doesn't hear me/get my point.
How can she not is what baffles me, this could have been so easily avoided.
The other hypothesis is that she is seripusly overworked and simply doesn't have the mental space to make sound decisions. I find her very emotional everytime I see her, she cries over the simplest things.

Quite. Probably one of those lovely people who pops up on a thread about abusive mothers saying "At least you have a mother! You'll miss her when she's gone!"

Op you say she not toxic but she deliberately ignores you even when it comes to safety (the necklace) and important items. She'll start the same stuff with your kids eventually.

Believe me I fully realise how lucky I am and I feel a lot of guilt even bringing this up here, but it's reached a point where it really affects me and I think the fact it's not dramatic or tragic doesn't invalidate my experience. I am the opposite of a drama queen.

Whatever the case, your mother simply can't be trusted to watch over small children. This is a huge safeguarding issue.

I wouldn't leave her to supervise your children ever again. It was a box of keepsakes this time but who knows what it could be next time. I am puzzled by the fact that she is obviously intelligent and no doubt takes instructions from her clients and carries them out. Yet you say she seems absolutely incapable of following very simple (and common sense!) directions. I mean who pries open a keepsake box to keep a toddler occupied while she is on a conference call and is unable to do anything other than blub about it when confronted. I would try to become financially independent of her to be honest. She's not stupid and she keeps doing these things because she wants to do them. I'd be giving her very fair warning that if she wants to continue seeing her grandchildren this behaviour can't continue and let her cry about it. Perhaps it might make her reflect. Yes, you shouldn't have shouted but I'd have been devastated too and I am not the overly sentimental sort.

I’d be fuming. Fuming

What was she like as a parent to you op?

@TomatoSandwiches wonderful parent to me. Never told me no, though, now I reflect on it. Very often absent because of her work. Multiple nannies from very young. But very generous, very caring. In teenagehood and young adulthood, I would say we had a fusional relationship. Problems started when I started becoming a full fledged adult, got married and now ask her to follow directions when she takes care of my child.