Post birth visit from parents

[Sorrelia]

I just gave birth to a beautiful baby girl and I was beyond happy with the birth experience, my stay in hospital and recovery.

However, when DH and I came back home with our newborn, we had the bad surprise of coming back to all my personal belongings (think diaries, photos etc), scattered everywhere in the flat. My mum and dad came to help us take care of DD1 who is a toddler (3), and stayed at the hotel with her during the night, enjoying the flat with DD1 during the day while we were at the hospital.

I gritted my teeth as they were on their way with DD1 to meet our newborn, and the encounter was sweet, with my mum and dad gushing over her, and DD1 being over the moon.

But the next morning, as I was tidying up this box my personal items came from, I became really angry as I saw several ripped photos, the print i made of my daughter at birth (DD1) broken in half, and a letter that my grandmother wrote for the first birthday of DD1 missing (I haven't found it and looked everywhere for several hours). The letter itself was in a card that I found opened under our bed, so I think it's fair to say it's the whole unsupervised rummaging that led to its loss.

What really irates me is that I have told my mum on countless occasions not to let DD1 rummage through things that are not hers. Countless times. I say it everytime my mother visits, and everytime I find either my daughter rummaging through her handbag, or my handbag, or anything that basically isn't hers, under the supervision of my mum.

So this time I saw red, I called my mum to the hotel in the morning and in utter frustration I must admit I shouted. I said I was tired of repeating always the same thing, that I didn't understand why she opened that box for DD1 which was in our parental bedroom on my side of the bed, and that, to her own admission, she let her basically rip it apart unsupervised as she was working during that time, in our bedroom.

It seems like a menial thing when literally the most beautiful moment of the birth of my daughter happened but I am at a loss. I have no patience left with my mother, I feel powerless, she takes so much of my mental energy even onnthe happiest moments of my life.

I love her but eachtime she visits she doesn't
listen to me, and I catch her doing the exact opposite of what I ask her to do.

Worst is, she doesn't offer a real apology. She never does. She really upset me with this on the day after I've given birth and her only answer is I love you, I didn't mean to anger you, why do you shout at me. And then tears, so I'm the bad guy for shouting. She doesn't understand that you don't let a toddler rummage through their parents personal items in a closed box in the parental bedroom. She still doesn't get it, even after I explained to her that she shouldn't have opened this box and let her unsupervised, as a result items that were very dear to me were destroyed or lost.

I wrangled a half apology from her but she never said sincerely she was sorry, and now since she cried in front of my toddler and dad, my dad is taking her side saying I shouldn't shout on her. She said to my grandmother she didn't do anything wrong, and that I was tired and emotional from the birth but SHE made me emotional, I was so happy before coming back to our flat!

And as per usual, she now has left, leaving me confused as to how she doesn't understand her behaviour is not normal
or OK and sends me very sweet messages as if nothing happened.

I truly believe she has no bad intentions, she has wonderful qualities, is always on my side and supports me financially and emotionally but it's reached a point where I dread her visits, she is an absolute emotional drain on me and I find her behaviour hurtful.

I guess my AIBU is; am I right for being upset at what happened?

What could explain her behaviour?
And also, how can I get past that and improve our relationship so she stops taking so much of my mental energy. DH agrees she is a drain but doesn't know what to do
either. He's just fed up. It's been like this since the birth of my daughter 3 years ago and getting worse :(

Please help me understand whether AIBU and how to fix this.

Come on - precious photos etc have been ripped up! I can’t imagine my MIL opening a box of things like that and letting my DC play with the contents!! Perhaps items don’t matter to some folks, but I would have gone ballistic. She’s already been told not to let the child play with unsuitable things - I wouldn’t have done this as a 14 year old babysitter!!

Without going all Dr Freud about this, I think she still doesn't see me as a fully fledged adult. We used to be so close and problems started when I started my adult life with DH and now kids. She is also very stubborn as a person and never apologises. Or for stuff that doesn't matter, never gives a realmapology for stuff that matters (comes back to the whole not listening thing).

I might be tempted to just knock the babysitting on the head tbh.

It's not the first time & nothing changes.

Just visit each other & spend time together.

Congratulations on your new baby. I see why you're frustrated but I think you're unreasonable to call your mum and shout at her. I see why you're both upset.

She can still have a great relationship with her grandchildren without baby sitting them.

Ultimatums are totally pointless. You are just souring the relationship further because you KNOW she won't do what you ask. People don't change.

Why argue and create drama further? You've just had a baby. Just stop the babysitting, stop any favours you night ask her to do, focus on your kids now, and keep the relationship nice and civil. See her out for dinner. Or invite her over and boot her out like any gues after a few hours.

It's disappointing but you just won't get what you want out of her. She doesn't have it in her.

First rule of raising toddlers Anything precious lives on top of the wardrobe preferably out of sight and wherever possible behind a locked door. Anything recognised as childproof will be the first target and the average toddler will consider opening it to be a personal challenge.

First rule of free childcare The only relevant boundaries belong to that caregiver If you didn't want the child to have the necklace you should have just taken it away yourself and put it out of both their reach.

It would be a cold day in Hell before I took instructions from either of my children. They seem happy to let me care for their children my own way. There are 8 of them so far and I've neither killed or damaged one in 13 years

I agree with poster below, no more babysitting just spend time when you are there then she can't break boundaries. The fact she let you go back to your home like that 24 hours agree giving birth shows she doesn't care and won't change

I just think you need to reduce contact with her, at least for a while. And no more babysitting if she can't respect your simple requests.

so you should have to put stuff out of an adult babysitter's reach????

My mum does similar things when supervising her grandchildren. She would often take out delicate things that are definitely not toys, just "to keep them busy", and they often end up broken. I keep pointing this out to her, asking to not do certain things, but she never listens. However, I live abroad and this mainly happens when we visit her house, as in our house I don't leave anything delicate/precious etc. in sight. I also think in our house she would ask before opening a box/drawer etc.
She is a wonderful grandmother and I/we love her a lot - only, she does not think too much about consequences before doing certain things. I feel bad telling her off all the time, so I just try to compromise between pointing out the most important/dangerous habits, and still maintain a good relationship.

You are probably very tired and very emotional right now. Please take care of yourself and speak again with your mum in a few days. All the best!

YABU. Your mum didn’t damage your precious items, your daughter did. You said yourself that she was working on a conference call at the time and your dad should have been supervising your daughter but you’ve chosen to blame your mum and not him.

Why is that?

You obviously resent her working which is bizarre and very unfair. She sounds like she’s made a very successful career for herself and I’m saddened that you’re not more proud of her for doing that.

Do you treat your dad as Mr Perfect? My DH was like that with his parents and for the life of me, I’ve never understood why. His mum was worth 1000 of his dad but he clearly resented her not putting motherhood before career.

Do you support women going out to work and putting their children into wrap-around childcare?

Do you value your own career?

Or is it just your own mum who shouldn’t be allowed to put working above being your mum?

What if this locked up box has been you personal intimate items that you use with your partner? That’s why the box was secure.

might be time to start working on DD1 to stop rummaging as that would be the easier fix

Clearly that would have been the best thing