Feel guilty for breastfeeding!

[CuriousGeorgie3]

I’m 3 weeks postpartum today and so far have exclusively breastfed my DS. I breastfed my DD when she was born, but had a lot of struggles and think that the experience amongst other issues ultimately contributed to me getting PPD. Due to how I was coping and the fact that it was extremely painful, we ended up offering expressed milk in a bottle when she turned a week. The experience with DS has been completely different, and I have felt so positive since the birth. I am really enjoying breastfeeding and feel like my bond with DS is so strong, which I didn’t get initially with my DD. I have noticed that my DH has not seemed as positive, and could tell that he was getting quite down about not being able to settle him when he was hungry. I have used a Hakka for most feeds just to catch let down, and planned to freeze it just for when the time comes that we need to use the bottle. I was getting quite concerned about how low my DH seemed, and felt like he didn’t have the bond with our son that he had with our DD at this age.

This morning he asked if he could use the expressed milk we had to try and give him a bottle. I said yes, and thankfully he took the bottle and immediately my DH seemed happier (he even had a happy tear, so clearly it had been affecting him quite a lot).

I feel like I am being really selfish/silly but it’s left me feeling quite down about it. I am so happy that my DH is happier, but the journey was going so well and I almost feel like I’ve failed now because he has had a bottle (I know that probably sounds ridiculous; bloody hormones!) I’m worried that DH will now expect to always give him a bottle, but ideally I would like to breastfeed as much as possible. I am happy for DS to have a bottle if needed, like if I am busy but I don’t really want him to have one just for the sake of it. Am I being unreasonable? I don’t want to let this be something that gets me down and start spiralling like I did last time, but equally I don’t want to take anything away from my DH and it negatively affect his bond/mental health.

No , your DH is being unreasonable. If you can breastfeed and want to , there is nothing better than that . I don't think he should be giving him a bottle just because he wants feed time with baby .

I breastfed all 3 of mine and it had no impact on my husband's bond with them - honestly it didn't. He was very hands on, he winded them, walked up and down for hours with them through colic, carried them in a sling, bathed them, changed them etc etc. We split the nights so I'd go to bed early and he'd stay down with the baby, bringing them to me for feeds if necessary and back down again straight after. As they got older I had a night off a week where he'd bottle feed them expressed milk.

So, yeah, there's loads your husband can do to be involved without feeding. I don't think it's necessary at all to give up breastfeeding for dads to have a bond.

You haven't let your baby down at all. But your DH needs to find other ways to bond with your baby. The positive breast feeding experience you and your baby are having is more important than the feelings of your DH. He should be supporting you not blocking it.

This is about your DS getting the nutrition and comfort he needs and for you to feel supported in this. This is not about your husband. I breastfed both my dc and my dh bonded very well with both through cuddles, bathing and as they got older playing with them. This is such a short time in your ds life and right now he needs comfort and food.

Your DH is being unreasonable, as PP said loads he can do to help you & bond with baby. I EBF all 3 & DH managed to develop a great bond with them all by doing all the things suggested above.

You are doing brilliantly, OP. Well done.

You're right that hormones are a rollercoaster immediately post partum, but of course you want to feed your baby, it's a hugely strong instinctive drive for mothers!

So no, it's not silly or selfish, and your DH can do plenty of other things to bond with your baby.

Firstly, well done for establishing breastfeeding- it's hard work! It's also wonderful for you and your baby and is ultimately the best possible start to life for your little one (if possible and your choice, yes fed is best).
If it is affecting your DH then tough luck. He's a grown adult and he should be fully supportive of you breastfeeding. It is not your responsibility to look after him as well as your newborn. The relationship between baby and dad is different to the one between the mum at the start, that's normal.

I'm on the fence. It's really important you and baby are having a positive bf experience. BUT it will potentially be really useful for you later on if baby will take a bottle and my experience is, if they don't get used to it early on they can refuse a bottle completely. My friend tried every bottle under the sun when her daughter was about 6 months and she absolutely wouldn't take one which meant she couldn't ever leave her for any amount of time until she was over a year and could drink from a cup. So keeping up a couple of bottles a week is really worth it.

Some men become depressed after the birth! Good he wants to be involved.

In the kindest possible way, your DH needs to get a grip.

I've had 3 babies and their father never fed any of them a bottle until they were over a year old and I wanted a night away! Yet somehow they are all bonded incredibly strongly.

Bath time is a great bonding time so perhaps your DH could take over all bathtimes instead?

I should have probably made this more clear in my original post - my DH is hands on and he is very supportive of breastfeeding. He hasn’t told me he feels down or isn’t bonding, I can just tell that is the case. He does try and settle DS when he cries but the issue is he just tends to want me for comfort. I think one of the issues for DH is that he is feeling guilty that he ends up bringing DS to me when he cries and he feels like he wants to take that pressure off me. This doesn’t bother me at all, I actually quite like the fact that my baby finds comfort being with me. It was always the other was round with DD and she would tend to only settle with DH.

There's a lot of ways he can be involved that don't interfere with breastfeeding. Right now, he is centring his feelings instead of the needs of his wife and baby.

I think it's good to have a supply ready if it's needed. If you have to go to an appointment/go out, it means you don't have to worry about baby being fed.
I don't think it's an issue for dh to give baby a bottle of breast milk a couple of times a week. If you've had a rough night & need a lie in, fancy a soak in the bath etc.

You have not failed by dh giving baby a bottle a couple of times a week.

But he can't expect you to always express. That is not fair on you.

I get so fed up with the expectation that women have to make ourselves smaller and give up the things that are important (and biologically normal) to us to make men happy. It's BS

You are absolutely not being selfish!!! Your DH is being ridiculous. There are plenty of opportunities for him to bond with the baby, without taking away breastfeeding - a basic biological function- from the two of you.
Keep going you are doing a wonderful job, and allow yourself to put you and baby first. Dont worry about your DH, he can take care of himself.

Don’t feel guilty. You are doing the best thing for your baby by breastfeeding them.

Don’t allow an adult male’s feelings to trump what’s best for your baby.

This!!

This is what worries me!

Why did you quote the OP?

Some men need to find their own way of dealing with that that isn’t a detriment to their baby.

Don’t prioritise him above the baby.

Jeez why do some men make it all about themselves? It’s YOUR job. You had to give birth, you have the means to feed your baby yourself, and you want to. He doesn’t need this in order to ‘bond’.

The bath time idea is a good one! So far we have always done bath time together, but I might leave him to do it just them and let that be their time together.

He is very helpful with a lot of things, he changes pretty much all the nappies (other than during the night but I’m up for night feeds anyway so just do it).

My baby is 7 weeks and I am exclusively breastfeeding. Around 5 weeks I introduced one bottle a day so that I know she will be happy to take a bottle if needed and it lets my dh do one feed a day and gives me a break! I’ve done it with all 3 of my children and it works really well. Just something to consider and it hasn’t ever impacted on my breastfeeding the rest of the time.

However, if you really feel that you don’t want to do this, it is your choice and your dh needs to find another way to bond with baby. 3 weeks is still early days and it’s bloody hard work to establish feeding. You and baby come first x

No your dh is being unreasonable. Plenty of time to bond with dc2 in other ways and teach the baby to settle

As others have said, there are lots of ways for dads to bond with a new baby that don't involve feeding - bathing, cuddling/skin to skin, nappy changing etc. You are doing something amazing for your baby, nothing to feel guilty about!

Also just as a v quick aside - a suction pump like a Hakka doesn't just catch let down, it does act as a pump (albeit not as powerful as an actual handheld or electric pump of course), so it can lead to an inadvertent issue with oversupply if used very frequently. Just to be aware of as sometimes it can cause women issues. On Instagram if you search for Olivia lactation consultant she has some useful info.