Feel guilty for breastfeeding!

[CuriousGeorgie3]

I’m 3 weeks postpartum today and so far have exclusively breastfed my DS. I breastfed my DD when she was born, but had a lot of struggles and think that the experience amongst other issues ultimately contributed to me getting PPD. Due to how I was coping and the fact that it was extremely painful, we ended up offering expressed milk in a bottle when she turned a week. The experience with DS has been completely different, and I have felt so positive since the birth. I am really enjoying breastfeeding and feel like my bond with DS is so strong, which I didn’t get initially with my DD. I have noticed that my DH has not seemed as positive, and could tell that he was getting quite down about not being able to settle him when he was hungry. I have used a Hakka for most feeds just to catch let down, and planned to freeze it just for when the time comes that we need to use the bottle. I was getting quite concerned about how low my DH seemed, and felt like he didn’t have the bond with our son that he had with our DD at this age.

This morning he asked if he could use the expressed milk we had to try and give him a bottle. I said yes, and thankfully he took the bottle and immediately my DH seemed happier (he even had a happy tear, so clearly it had been affecting him quite a lot).

I feel like I am being really selfish/silly but it’s left me feeling quite down about it. I am so happy that my DH is happier, but the journey was going so well and I almost feel like I’ve failed now because he has had a bottle (I know that probably sounds ridiculous; bloody hormones!) I’m worried that DH will now expect to always give him a bottle, but ideally I would like to breastfeed as much as possible. I am happy for DS to have a bottle if needed, like if I am busy but I don’t really want him to have one just for the sake of it. Am I being unreasonable? I don’t want to let this be something that gets me down and start spiralling like I did last time, but equally I don’t want to take anything away from my DH and it negatively affect his bond/mental health.

For me personally, the effort it took to express and get my child to take a bottle (when I returned to work) was far more than my risk of ending up in hospital where I could not feed my baby (if possible hospitals enable BF babies to be either with or brought to the mother), or issues with public transport.

This is purely a benefits/drawbacks assessment.

In the unlikely event that baby had no milk (either from Mum or expressed) their care give could give formula (or water if old enough).

I really don't think we should be encouraging expressing/bottle giving as part of a good BF routine. Worrying yourself about 'what ifs' is the route to misery and stress.

Why would you quote the original post when you’re the first person to comment? Surely everyone knows what you’re responding too…

Oh yes, he needs to stop doing something that he’s unintentionally doing. How do you propose he does that exactly?

I think the comments are quite harsh. At the end of the day, your husband is still a person with feelings. He’s also still a parent. It can genuinely make sense that he doesn’t feel as close with your current baby because you naturally do all the feeds and can settle him instantly.

I don’t think you should look at it as if you’ve failed because he’s had one bottle. Plenty of parents combo feed and it works fine. Stick to breastfeeding if that’s your choice, neither of you are doing anything wrong

It's not, it's a rational and practical position.

Equally I think maternal exhaustion is why so many breastfeeding attempts fail. If I hadn’t been able to give a bottle of expressed milk in the early weeks and get a 6 hour stretch, I’m certain I would’ve dried up. Not sure about anyone else but I actually felt the milk supply go down whenever I was stressed/exhausted/dehydrated. Their carer wouldn’t be able to give formula if they were bottle refusing.

That's not OP's position, though.

Oh it’s so annoying, the scrolling!!

This is where you both need to talk to each other and stop second guessing the other. Tell him your wants and fears and ask him to express his. There appear to be a lot of fear carried over from your first which has led to this ‘trying to to the best for the other’ cageyness between you. Communication, communication, communication.

Let him do the winding after a feed.

All the nappies.

Baths.

Maybe a bottle of expressed milk at night so you can sleep.

There are so many ways in which he can be hands on and supporting you.

Please don't feel guilty about breastfeeding. It's the best thing for baby.

I am sorry that was your experience; it's horrible to feel you're not able to feed your child. If the OP was in this situation I would advise her DH to help reduce stress, help with the exhaustion by doing everything else apart from actually BF, and to help prevent dehydration by ensuring OP has enough to drink and eat.

ie. try and resolve the maternal exhaustion by going upstream, rather than fixing it once you're already there.

Babies can be cup fed in an emergency.

Are you sure there’s nothing else going on for your DH OP? It seems odd to me as you have two DC so surely there’s plenty for your DH to do for your DD while you are occupied feeding DS? I only have one DC but my sister has two & her DH has his work cut out tending to the needs of their firstborn, I think he’s quite glad of the time where my sister is feeding no.2! He has a great bond with both despite my sister breastfeeding exclusively.

Tricky. How lovely that your DH wants to be so involved and take the burden off you. It must be frustrating not being able to meet all of your baby's needs yourself and have to delegate all the time.

It's up to you. My DH did one bottle feed a day in the evening while I went to bed early, in preparation for the inevitable disrupted night. It worked well and I know DH really bonded with little one during those feeds. They are some of his fondest memories of the early days. But if you don't want to do that, and don't need or want a bit extra sleep, then you don't have to. They'll be able to bond over other things too.

Completely agree!

I never post, but some of the replies to this post are diabolical. I can’t believe how many people have been quick to throw shade on the OP’s DH: ‘he needs to get a grip’; ‘selfish’; ‘unreasonable’, ‘ridiculous’; ‘not putting mum's needs first’. You'd think the poor man had whipped the OP’s nipple from their babe's mouth! It sounds like the OP has a very loving and supportive husband who just wants to help and experience the bond that bottle-feeding his DD allowed the first time around.

At 6 weeks postpartum myself, I know that weeks 2 and 3 are super tough on both parents, physically and emotionally. Having quietly observed that her husband might be struggling, the OP wanted advice on how to support her husband without jeopardizing the success she is having with breastfeeding, not advice on how to kick her husband into touch for a crime he hasn't committed. It is NORMAL for dad to be emotional too - having a newborn is tiring and hearing them cry is gut-wrenching, you just want to do whatever you can to help soothe them. Having been able to help his first child by bottle feeding but not his second, it makes sense to think that dad (tired and emotional too) might be feeling a little helpless, despite knowing that his son is getting what he needs from successful breastfeeding. Dad can probably see that logically he doesn't need to step in, but it is normal to want to DO something to help when you hear those cries, and he may well think that he is supporting his wife by giving her a little time out from the amazing but exhausting job she is doing in breastfeeding. Go mama!

It's shameful how quick some of the women on this post have been to tear this poster's husband down or criticise her for referring to her husband as ‘helpful’ for getting stuck in and sharing the load in terms of nappies etc. We are here to build each other up and offer advice, not sniff out dirt where there is none and make the OP feel terrible for having unintentionally put her husband amongst the sharks. To those that have posted in this manner, you yourselves have been ‘unreasonable’, and ‘ridiculous’ and need to ‘get a grip’.

This👌
Speak to your midwife if you are concerned and would like reassurance, but a bottle of expressed milk once-a-day isn't going to do any harm. We are doing this (6 weeks in) for the 3am feeds and it helps me get a little extra sleep - though its nice sometimes just to watch my husband bonding with our little girl, her gazing up at him.

Hi OP, congratulations on your little one, a day younger than mine!

A little different as I always knew I didn't want a situation where I was the only person on earth who could provide a feed, so I've been expressing (first just using a Hakaa to catch let down and now a pump) and DH gives 2 bottles a day, one of which allows me to get a head start on sleep in the evening.

I'm pleased that (for now!) baby is happy to take either a nipple or a bottle while I function better for having had a bit more sleep. I know some people say a bottle should only be introduced after 4-6 weeks but this seems to have worked for us.

As I see it he's still getting the benefit of breastmilk, alongside the opportunity to bond a bit more with DH, and DH is growing in confidence with him. Win win for us.

Exactly this! Thank you for understanding. I think I must have expressed my concerns in the wrong way, I didn’t expect my DH to be seen in such a terrible light.

I was looking for the best way to support him and ensure he is happy as well because this is his baby too. He is incredibly supportive, which again is another reason I think he wants to be able to feed DS. I can tell every time he has to bring DS to me to settle him if I’m getting ready, having a bath, having 5 minutes to myself etc he feels guilty for having to interrupt. He is incredible with our DD, cooks most meals, helps with whatever he can.

MNers I find get really strange to anything I've experienced in real life when it comes to babies and breastfeeding and all things related. Constantly posting about my body my rules (when talking about a newborn), black out month long periods of no visitors (then complain down the line that people don't want to visit), tear any man apart who wants to be involved, tears any man apart who doesn't want to be involved. It's a strange place here, and I find that the responses on subjects like this never reflect anything I've witnessed in real life. I'm not talking about you OP, I mean the replies.

Many midwives have no training on lactation. Better to seek out a properly trained lactation advisor.

Agree with this, if you want to be able to leave your baby I would get him used to having a regular bottle. It is a lot of pressure when only you can feed the baby, my 1st never took a bottle and as much as I loved breastfeeding her it was hard as she got older not being able to leave her. 2nd time around i gave a bottle early but then stopped because I just found the breastfeeding easier and she then refused a bottle too
Why don't you make it a weekly thing where you take DD out or go shopping or something (just an hour or 2 for a start if you don't feel up to leaving him longer) and your DH can have baby on his own for a bit and give him a bottle

Absolutely this. Do NOT stop BF just because your husband wants to feel involved. There are hundreds of things he can do with the baby, and to support you. He shouldn't be asking you to introduce a bottle and potentially interrupt BF and leading to baby refusing to breastfeed.

Feeding is only one of many ways to bond with your child. Your dh has many other options while you bf.

Don’t feel guilty and if your dh implies he is missing out and it makes you feel guilty give his head a wobble.

DH needs to get over himself. There are plenty of ways to bond with a baby that don’t involve feeding.

I absolutely believe that can be the case! But bottle refusal is still a very real experience a lot of women encounter (myself included) and so I think it’s worth sharing with the OP as she decides her next steps. After all, she posted asking for opinions. I’ve spent nearly 4 years of my life breastfeeding and when possible I like to encourage/empower any new mum towards what can give them the most positive experience (whether it’s BF, bottle, combi, formula)!

It sounds like my experience of breastfeeding two babies has been very similar to yours, even down to the sex of our DC!
My OH always had a strong bond with DD due to bottle feeding EBM at the start. In comparison, my DS has had a bottle about four times in his life and OH admitted he did not feel much of a bond with him when he was a newborn.
DS is five months now and is so interactive. OH adores him and says he now feels the same way as he did about DD as a baby. If I was you I wouldn’t worry. The bond will develop very soon. This period of feed, sleep, nappy change repeat will be over in no time and there are so many other things for your DH to enjoy with baby.