Feel guilty for breastfeeding!

[CuriousGeorgie3]

I’m 3 weeks postpartum today and so far have exclusively breastfed my DS. I breastfed my DD when she was born, but had a lot of struggles and think that the experience amongst other issues ultimately contributed to me getting PPD. Due to how I was coping and the fact that it was extremely painful, we ended up offering expressed milk in a bottle when she turned a week. The experience with DS has been completely different, and I have felt so positive since the birth. I am really enjoying breastfeeding and feel like my bond with DS is so strong, which I didn’t get initially with my DD. I have noticed that my DH has not seemed as positive, and could tell that he was getting quite down about not being able to settle him when he was hungry. I have used a Hakka for most feeds just to catch let down, and planned to freeze it just for when the time comes that we need to use the bottle. I was getting quite concerned about how low my DH seemed, and felt like he didn’t have the bond with our son that he had with our DD at this age.

This morning he asked if he could use the expressed milk we had to try and give him a bottle. I said yes, and thankfully he took the bottle and immediately my DH seemed happier (he even had a happy tear, so clearly it had been affecting him quite a lot).

I feel like I am being really selfish/silly but it’s left me feeling quite down about it. I am so happy that my DH is happier, but the journey was going so well and I almost feel like I’ve failed now because he has had a bottle (I know that probably sounds ridiculous; bloody hormones!) I’m worried that DH will now expect to always give him a bottle, but ideally I would like to breastfeed as much as possible. I am happy for DS to have a bottle if needed, like if I am busy but I don’t really want him to have one just for the sake of it. Am I being unreasonable? I don’t want to let this be something that gets me down and start spiralling like I did last time, but equally I don’t want to take anything away from my DH and it negatively affect his bond/mental health.

I think it's because the OP has used the term guilt and selfish when describing the situation. Then when you read what's actually happening, the guilt and feelings of selfishness seem to actually come from OP herself, not from her DH's actions.
It might be that her DH would be utterly mortified to know how she was feeling.
As others have said, a conversation needs to be had. If her DH is struggling to bond with the baby, feeding it isn't the answer and nor is putting pressure on OP to resolve the issue herself. Hopefully the DH has close family or friends he can talk to - ideally a father who can empathise.

You are doing an amazing job!! Don’t feel guilty!

I BF mine including expressed breastmilk until my kids were 2+ years old. I never had any issues with breastfeeding (my son had to be cut off when he was, let’s just say, older than usual haha!!). Never used formula, never bled or had cracked nipples, had over abundance of milk. I tried to incorporate about 1 (or none or 1 at night/1 at day) bottle of breastmilk a day so it felt like a team effort, but also so I could get a good stretch of sleep or we could go on date for example.

It’s totally fine if you want to only feed from the breast but as an experienced hand (3 kids all BF) I just want to mention that if a baby is not taught how to take a bottle very young, they may then refuse it and it might no longer be an option (without lots of tears and potentially giving up). My son was a bottle refuser as by 9 weeks it was too late to convince him. We tried the whole first year but he would rather starve than take one!! Just sharing this do you can make an informed decision.

introducing a bottle before breastfeeding is established can affect the supply-demand process. Generally by about six weeks, but it can take longer.

Why what's ur problem?

Agree.... I've also had a few friends who struggled massively with their babies not able to take bottles when they were close to finishing maternity leave.

Bottles are not necessary. At 6 months they can learn to use an open cup or a straw cup.

This isn’t an issue if effort is put in.

Please don't copy the OP, especially when it is so long and yours is the first post. Thanks.

In your opinion.

There are lots of other ways he can bond with the baby, changing nappies, bath time, reading stories etc.

at the end of the day it’s up to how much you want to express, but as baby gets older they can refuse the bottle. My daughter had one bottle every single day until she was 6 months and then stopped 😬

Ita great that you are having a smoother journey this time round, I wouldn’t be letting this spoil the experience.

Sorry op just another few thoughts
If you do decide to use a bottle at any point, they actually do proper breast shaped nibs which h are meant to be more successful for bf babies. Other feeding options are using a special cup but you must ask your health visitor about this before six months. I opted against this because I was too worried about baby aspirating but some people do it.

Please please don't do anything untill your supply is well established as a pp said it can cause mastitis if you are not careful. I've had it three times now, it's the pits and can be dangerous and land you in hospital.

There’s no evidence that introducing a bottle by X age or before X weeks guarantees you anything. My friend did a bottle a day from birth, took it brilliantly, but now her 12 week old absolutely refuses it. Another friend with twins, again, a bottle a day from 2ish weeks and then around 10 weeks just refused it. By contrast, my nephew had never had one but at 7m I had to babysit in a bit of an emergency and he took a bottle absolutely no bother.

I think a bottle of expressed milk is fine. Dh used to do one around 10pm so I could sleep through that feed after putting dc to bed. Rest time I bf

I think introducing a bottle is essential. You never know when mum will not be able to feed - delayed public transport, taken ill, having to rush to someone in hospital, etc. Much less stressful all round if you know the baby will take a bottle of expressed or formula if needs be, although of course it shouldn’t/wouldn’t be the main feeding method for that reason. Some people are v previous about no bottles for no reason other than ticking a box

What a load of bollocks 😂

A bottle is absolutely not essential.

Agree. In the unlikely event a mother can't BF her baby there are many alternative ways to feed it. She absolutely doesn't need to make sure it can take a bottle 'just in case'. If she wants to then of course that's fine, but it is absolutely not a requirement for successful BF.

What would you do in the scenarios the earlier poster mentions if the baby doesn’t take a bottle?

A baby can learn to drink from a cup, and most will be introducing solids by 6 months.

The reasoning that you have to teach a bottle from the start makes little sense; babies learn and change at a phenomenal rate. If a mother wants to breastfeed, however, introducing a bottle too soon can interrupt and adversely impact on supply and breastfeeding.

Babies 'put their orders in' generally late at night, hour of the 'clusterfeeds'.

I wasn't precious about bottles, I just couldn't be arsed faffing about with them so DC2 never had one.

They absolutely aren't essential.

OP you have nothing to feel guilty about and you need to let your DH know how well breastfeeding is going and that you are enjoying doing it. He wants to do more and that's good but feeding doesn't have to be it.

Oof, why is her positive experience more important than him having one?

This is absolute nonsense. Baby stays with or close to the mother while young, so breastmilk is always available. When the baby is older, they can have other food as well as breast milk.

Introducing a bottle just in case you need to visit someone in hospital is barmy.

My son’s dad did most of the bath times and that was their special thing. Your DH doesn’t need to give your DS a bottle to bond.

Best for baby - breastfeeding
Best for you - breastfeeding
So why would husband's needs come first?

When I had dc2, DH stepped up and did loads with dc1 to provide space for me to sleep and be with the baby. It was a lovely time for them, out on little trips most weekends.

Breastfed babies need to be with their mothers a lot, there's absolutely nothing wrong with that and a father can be supportive and important in other ways.

What’s nonsense about that? Plenty of women go into hospital post birth for infections, mastitis, sepsis. What harm do you think introducing an occasional bottle of expressed milk will do? Like, actually? Whereas the flexibility it provides is priceless. Imagine your train being cancelled and hearing a screaming baby at the other end of the phone knowing they won’t be fed for hours, versus knowing they’ll happily chug some expressed milk then go to sleep. This puritanical thinking is barmy tbh

Because it's a positive experience for the baby too that's going well and there's zero reason to interrupt other than placating a slightly put out DH

I think the number of women who are hospitalised and unable to take their baby with them is tiny. Mastitis in particular would need to be very bad to go into hospital and the advice is to keep feeding through it.

I just never went that far from my babies when they were dependent on me for milk. Most women are on mat leave until the baby is well onto solids. I wouldn't have got a train without my babies.

Op is happy with things are and her DH wants to change things for his benefit. I don't think op should. I also don't think she should give bottles just in case a theoretical emergency arises. Cross that bridge if you come to it.

It's not puritanical, it's how breastfeeding works. You stay close to your baby while they're tiny. I don't think that's an extreme position.