Feel guilty for breastfeeding!

[CuriousGeorgie3]

I’m 3 weeks postpartum today and so far have exclusively breastfed my DS. I breastfed my DD when she was born, but had a lot of struggles and think that the experience amongst other issues ultimately contributed to me getting PPD. Due to how I was coping and the fact that it was extremely painful, we ended up offering expressed milk in a bottle when she turned a week. The experience with DS has been completely different, and I have felt so positive since the birth. I am really enjoying breastfeeding and feel like my bond with DS is so strong, which I didn’t get initially with my DD. I have noticed that my DH has not seemed as positive, and could tell that he was getting quite down about not being able to settle him when he was hungry. I have used a Hakka for most feeds just to catch let down, and planned to freeze it just for when the time comes that we need to use the bottle. I was getting quite concerned about how low my DH seemed, and felt like he didn’t have the bond with our son that he had with our DD at this age.

This morning he asked if he could use the expressed milk we had to try and give him a bottle. I said yes, and thankfully he took the bottle and immediately my DH seemed happier (he even had a happy tear, so clearly it had been affecting him quite a lot).

I feel like I am being really selfish/silly but it’s left me feeling quite down about it. I am so happy that my DH is happier, but the journey was going so well and I almost feel like I’ve failed now because he has had a bottle (I know that probably sounds ridiculous; bloody hormones!) I’m worried that DH will now expect to always give him a bottle, but ideally I would like to breastfeed as much as possible. I am happy for DS to have a bottle if needed, like if I am busy but I don’t really want him to have one just for the sake of it. Am I being unreasonable? I don’t want to let this be something that gets me down and start spiralling like I did last time, but equally I don’t want to take anything away from my DH and it negatively affect his bond/mental health.

YABU for thinking you've failed because he's had a bottle. I personally wanted my DH involved like this so I totally wanted him to give the odd bottle if that's what he wanted to do. But I understand everyone has different feelings on it.

Have you verbalised to him that you are happy for your baby to be attached to you at the moment and it's totally normal in the fourth trimester? Maybe some communication would help. It's really hard during the newborn stage and of course you care about your partners wellbeing but you may also be projecting/making assumptions/centering him and his feelings.

I had a very similar journey, firstborn wouldn't feed, caused pnd, secondborn would, it was very healing and the breastfeeding hormones help with so much so if you are happy and want to continue breastfeeding that's the path to take.

My dh can be a bit down because the firstborn had, at times a better bond, possibly due to feeding. (Dh did manage to etch a sketch out a whole summer where firstborn would scream for me though)
It's not an easy fix my dh at times feel left out but we have made some things routine for him like he does the bath and stories and he has her some mornings. Pp are right he needs to find his own way to bond, whether that's the special bedtime song, bath or skin to skin is his call.

I also have done a lot of reading at the biological roles men and women play in childrearing and men have important roles to look forward to. It's really not a case of mum does everything and he will be important for his children, sometimes even more than you at different stages of their lives.

Oh and try and keep him off his phone when baby is around. That helps enormously.

I think some people are being a bit harsh on OPs dh, it's not like he's wanting her to stop bf, and the odd bottle of expressed once or twice a week is not going to affect milk production. Also although his feelings are less important than baby being healthy and fed, that doesn't mean they should be completely ignored. A baby with two committed and well-bonded parents is better off than one with a great bond with mum and a depressed dad who doesn't have a good bond. If it was OP saying they didn't want to bf then everyone would be saying her feelings are important and she shouldn't force herself to bf. If you want dads to be fully involved in parenting you also have to acknowledge their feelings! Mens mental health can be a huge issue as they are taught not to show or talk about their feelings.

Please don’t feel guilty, I have EBF for 5 months and counting but that hasn’t stopped DH from bonding. There’s so much else changing nappies, bathing and cuddles.
Plus past 6 weeks they spend a lot less time feeding in my experience (apart from clustering during growth spurts)

I would be cautious about giving bottles before 6 weeks as your milk supply hasn’t regulated and you could end up with mastitis and take it from me that’s horrible!

Your DH could try a dummy to comfort your baby?

Your DH is being selfish and putting his own needs above yours and your babies. Ultimately the best thing for your child is to exclusively breastfeed for as long as possible but for at least six months, anything that interiors that is not in the best interests of your child

Respectfully, your husband needs to get a grip. Women have been breastfeeding their children since the dawn of time , and if that were a precursor to a poor relationship with fathers then we would have most of the planet walking round with no attachment to their fathers. That's not the case. He needs to give his head a wobble and realise that the only use of breasts and the sole purpose of them is to feed a baby. That's it. Your doing exactly what you should be doing and nothing and nobody should make you feel any different. He needs to pull himself together and bond with the baby in a million other ways, rocking, cuddling, nappy changes, story time, pram pushing ect ect. Exactly what my husband did and he has a fabulous relationship with my children and both were breast fed, much to his support. It's the best start for your baby if you are able and there is no need to mess up your routine with bottles and expressing and all of that, it will just confuse your body and throw off your milk supply. You are doing great! Keep going and tell him to pull himself together. You have just had a human exit your body!

Totally agree with this.

Your DH is the one who is letting you down by behaving this way. How utterly ridiculous. I exclusively breastfed all three of mine, none of them ever took a bottle, so my husband literally never fed any of them as babies, not once. I cannot imagine anything he’d be less likely to mope about or try to make me feel guilty for. In fact, when our third (and last) baby turned one and I stopped breastfeeding for the final time my DH bought me a beautiful ring with three diamonds, one for each year I had spent breastfeeding as he was so proud of me and so grateful for all the work I had done for our family. I’m sure there’s a statistic somewhere about breastfeeding failure rates and unsupportive partners. Your DH needs to grow up.

Dad's being fully involved at the beginning means them fully supporting the mum and baby. Absolutely communication and supporting each other as a couple is important but it's a short period where mum and baby come first (as a society, there is literally no other time when we centre women or their needs and we don't do it that well during the fourth trimester anyway).

He shouldn't be making OP feel bad about breastfeeding, even unintentionally.

'the odd bottle of expressed once or twice a week is not going to affect milk production.'

Once bfing is well established, probably not. But that can take a good couple of months.

Breastfeeding is literally the ONE and only thing that the mother can do. Someone else can do every single other task needed to care for a baby.
If the mother is getting on well with BF, why risk compromising it (especially at 3 weeks old) just so the dad can have a go at feeding.

Honestly, I think the whole family would benefit more from the dad doing what he can to enable the Mum to really get to grips with BF - to make sure she has enough to drink, and eat, that she is comfortable and rested.

Seeing the father of my child nurture me in this way would strengthen my love for him and thus benefit the family.

People are being very harsh on the DH here, when all we have is OP's feelings about it - he has apparently not once expressed out loud that he is unhappy or resentful of the breastfeeding.

OP - you need to have a conversation. Yes you probably can tell how your DH is feeling by his mood, but a problem shared is a problem halved and all that. Instead of guessing the cause of his low mood why not ask him? He may well be reflecting that the bond he has with this child is different, which may be making him feel down, all the while not in any way wanting to stop you from breastfeeding. The two feelings are not mutually exclusive.

Your baby is 3 weeks old, bonding and forming attachments takes time, why did it take your husband giving a bottle make him feel bonded? This time is important for you & DS to bond, establish BF & you to recover from birth. If your husband feels ‘left out’ then there’s plenty of other things he can do for your son than need to bottle feed him - bathe him, put him in the sling, do all the nappy changes, hold him between feeds so you can rest. Honestly this is just pathetic really I don’t get why you feel guilty, is he not quite busy with an older child and all the things it takes to parent and keep the house going while you’re focusing on the baby?

He is very helpful with a lot of things, he changes pretty much all the nappies

Be careful with how you are using 'helpful'.
Are you being helpful when you change nappies, or are you just caring for your baby?

Your job is to feed your baby (if you want to continue breastfeeding) not to make your husband “happy”. He needs to get on board and put himself second. Of course he can be involved in supporting you, his main job needs to be bringer of snacks and cooler of meals at this point. This was my partner’s best role. Get his to take baby for a walk etc after feed to sleep etc.

If you do want baby to take a bottle such as if you eventually want to go out, will be going back to work etc then I’d keep up with offering bottles just so you know baby will take them.

I’d also have bathing baby be special bonding time for only dad and baby.

Your husband is just trying to do what he did before to bond. Gently lead him to do other things; settling when not hungry, bathing, nappies etc. It's just muscle memory, as feeding is what he did before. As for you, take it easy on yourself, you're doing really well. Keep on keeping on. This too shall pass. You have a tiny baby, and everyone is tired! Sterling work, mama!

Breast feeding doesn’t mean you will have a better bond with your baby. DC’s were solely formula fed and DH and I have an amazing bond with both of them. Your choice around feeding won’t impact the bond your DH has.

Honestly I breastfed dc1, bottle fed dc2. It made absolutely no difference, they both only wanted me regardless
DC2 wouldn't take bottle off anybody, not even dh. I think they didn't like dh's feeding position more than anything else, but out of the 2 of them breastfed dc1 would have been more willing to take an expressed bottle off dh, and rarely had them!
Please don't worry op, it is 3 weeks! Be kind to yourself! Get dh involved in other ways to help you.

Tell him he can make up for not being able to feed him by doing all the nappy changes instead. This is a HIM problem, not you, or baby. There's a million opportunities other than feeding time for the dad to bond in these first 6 months where only milk is needed... bathtime, nappy changes, cuddles, getting dressed, reading stories, singing to them, and just generally being around. I breastfed both of mine until they naturally weaned around 3 years old. They are now school age, both absolute daddies girls, and go to him for everything, (as they know he'll never say no!), me providing them milk, as nature intended, hasn't affected their ability to bond with their father and vice versa. Yes, baby will naturally settle easier for you, as you are their food source, and their instincts will tell them that being away from that isn't good, so may cry for you when you aren't around, but that is natural baby behaviour, and such a short period of their lives. You're doing an amazing thing for your baby op, congratulations and well done.

What’s the OPs husband actually done wrong? Nothing. God forbid a bit of emotion comes over his face whilst with his baby 🤦‍♀️

OP, don’t feel guilty! You’ve had some good suggestions here and I hope you and your DH both are able to bond with your baby xx

Your husband is being both selfish and needy and needs to get a grip. The baby’s needs come first, not your husbands emotional episodes.
Feed your baby how you want. He will have to get over and it and put his child’s needs before his own, like the rest of us do.

Hold on a minute…all the people laying into the OP’s DH but he hasn’t actually said anything at all about this, OP is just making assumptions about how he feels?

OP even if you are right and he wishes you weren’t bf, he hasn’t said so because he will also know that you are doing an amazing thing for your baby and that your baby’s needs trump his wants.

It’s probably worth you having an actual conversation about this though rather than guessing and feeling guilty - he might reassure you that he’s actually completely fine with it, or it will give him the space to share his feelings and you can then talk through tue other stuff he can do to feel bonded.

In no scenario should you stop bf to suit him though. You do not need to feed a baby to bond.

Surely it's better for baby to breastfeed if you can

Your dh is being selfish and you have nothing to feel guilty about