Do you think that you internalise what you're told you are as a child?

[Chilloutrelax]

So for example I was always told that I was very clever all throughout primary school. I was constantly praised by teachers and my parents for being brainy. In fact I was probably just a good reader and a bit more ahead than some of the other kids, but I've carried this belief. I've got zero evidence of being clever as an adult but I was told so much the belief has never gone away.

Otoh I was also constantly told I was shy, nervous and not very good at sport and I have carried this belief too and always been afraid of trying things.

Dh was always told that he was slow and a.bit stupid and again, even though he's done very well he always puts himself down about being 'thick'.

Yes, absolutely.

Yes. I've heard that what you're told as a child becomes your "internal voice" as an adult. I think this applies to the things you're explicitly or verbally told, as well as to the things that are communicated to you through action / inaction.

Definitely. I was told a very similar narrative, ie that I was “clever”. I’m not particularly clever. I am reasonably good with the written word but way below average mathematically and about average at everything else.

On paper this isn’t a bad message to send a child and certainly better than being told you are arupid.

But it served to create ludicrous expectations about what I could achieve (both academically and more generally) and it took a very long time for me to wake up to the reality of what I could accomplish in life.

Of course.

Yes the things I was told will easily spill out of mu
mouth when dealing with dc

Yes. I spend my life trying to prove I'm not what I was told I was as a child. Despite the fact it's what I secretly believe. It's exhausting.

Definitely. Every time I look in the mirror at cringe at how fat and unattractive I am, that's my mother's voice right there

Yes. Some of the things you see/hear/learn/absorb in those first ten years of life become accepted 'truths' you will accept as facts throughout your life - both positive and negative.

This guide is really useful;

https://www.betterup.com/blog/core-beliefs

Oh yes, I think this is definitely true.

Of course. That is why so many people suffer with chronic low or non existent self worth.

I was told I was a shortarse.

I'm 5'7" tall.

My parents told me I always lied. They just didn't listen! They just went with their own narrative so when I did what exactly I said I'd do, and didn't do what they thought, that was me lying. 🤦🏻‍♀️

Yes for sure. I read something great the other day that said how you talk to your child becomes their inner voice.

I agree. I am so worried I’m not showing my daughter that she is interesting, valued or that I want to spend time with her. I really do try but I always feel so frazzled juggling everything.

Absolutely. Even things I know are absolute nonsense are carried internally as "truths".
Particularly things my mum said.

Yes definitely. Also applies to "manners" and ways of behaving. So if you learn as a child that it's rude to take your shoes off in someone else's house and sit around in your socks as if it were your own home, then as an adult you can learn that most people want you to take your shoes off without asking, but it doesn't become "second nature".

The older you get, the more things change, and the more you find yourself behaving according to rules explicitly learnt rather than behaving instinctively according to what was the norm in your childhood.

I thought I had a temper. I was told so often because I have red hair. If ever I spoke up, that was my temper.

I haven’t; I’m pretty laid back, but I do hate injustice, so I will confront that.

Yes absolutely, and beyond, into the teenage years.

I also thought I was clever until I met genuinely 'clever' people. I suppose I am quite intelligent in some ways (I can express myself well in the written word when required, I can be very quick at grasping some concepts, I often notice and make links between things things that other people don't seem to pick up on) but on the other hand I can be completely lacking in common sense and I've come to realise that I have very poor executive function which means I really struggle to reach my potential. I'm also socially quite inept.

I was told I was ugly as a teenager and that has definitely stayed and become an internal voice. I could kick myself though when I look at photos from my early 20s and realise I was actually quite attractive. I wish I had seen it then instead of listening to the voices of the bullies that remained in my head.

I try really hard to give my children a positive internal voice as I really believe that it comes from what you hear as a child.

Yes.

I was fat as a child

The message i was given is being fat isnt okay/good enough and ergo i was not okay/good enough

I fundentally believe i am not good enough and being fat is wrong / disgusting/ a failure of character /visible demonstration of poor willpower.

My internal voice is pretty horrific tbh. Thousands of pounds of CBT hasnt improved this 🤷🏻‍♀️

Yes, I wish it wasn't true. I would have saved thousands on therapy and had a much happier life to date.

I think you do. This is partly why I feel uncomfortable about children being told they can be born in the wrong body when they are too young to feel comfortable in their own skin.

Absolutely. My parents continuously put me down. Never had hugs or kisses, and I grew up with very low esteem. Even now I get embarrassed when anyone praises me, because I don’t feel worthy of it. I often feel sad for the child I was.

I had a difficult childhood in many ways but I was constantly told I was beautiful and clever....I'm probably more average than I was led to believe 😂

I expected to read I was told I was ...thick stupid fat ugly, so yours was more of apositive experience , but not necessarily true for you.
As fister carers we deal with lots of verbally abused kids and people think it's 'not really abuse' cos 'I never hit them.
Yet adults will tell you it's not the physical pain that gets you all through your life, it's the verbal.
This group was set up to try and get people to recognise the lifelong impact words can have on a child, hence their name,

WORDS MATTER

wordsmatter.org/

Not exactly something I was told, but my parents lived very frugally, to insane and contradictory levels (my mum would make us drive/traipse around the shops for bargains when it wasn't even saving much money).

It has made me so insanely good at delayed gratification that I have tonnes of disposable income, that I've kept spending on cheap unreliable shit because "cheaper is better" really stuck with me (and "you don't need fancy stuff").

I have just cracked the habit a tiny bit and started buying expensive shoes that will be comfortable and stylish for a decade!

Lack of choice as a child and bargain hunting has probably wasted me thousands over the years.

I was constantly told I wasn't good enough, and that message is VERY firmly internalised.

I was also told that fashion and make-up are for idiots and noone needs to make themselves look nice, and if they want to look fashionable or pretty, they're obviously thick as mince. Noone serious and intelligent would waste money on fashionable clothes, or wear makeup.

Everything that wasn't based around reading books was nonsense. My mother absolutely fetishised books, and children who showed an interest in anything else (sport, art, even music) were just wrong and silly.

It's a wonder I'm not more messed up than I actually am!