Do you think that you internalise what you're told you are as a child?

[Chilloutrelax]

So for example I was always told that I was very clever all throughout primary school. I was constantly praised by teachers and my parents for being brainy. In fact I was probably just a good reader and a bit more ahead than some of the other kids, but I've carried this belief. I've got zero evidence of being clever as an adult but I was told so much the belief has never gone away.

Otoh I was also constantly told I was shy, nervous and not very good at sport and I have carried this belief too and always been afraid of trying things.

Dh was always told that he was slow and a.bit stupid and again, even though he's done very well he always puts himself down about being 'thick'.

Yes, adults are always telling kids what they are.

We do it to each other though.
We make opinions about others for the most superficial reasons and then stick to them.

Or it affects you so deeply you deliberately go the opposite way. My parents always said my sister was the clever one and I was the pretty one. She spent her life trying to look beautiful (which she already was btw but didn't think she was) but she dropped out of school at 15 and I worked insanely hard to be as educated as possible getting a PhD and achieve in my career but care very little about my looks.

I was always told that actions have consequences.

Just a couple of days ago I was trying to balance too much on my dinner tray. As I was trying to open the kitchen door with my elbow my glass of water slid and in trying to save it the plate with my dinner on fell off the other side and smashed on the floor. My husband immediately offered me half of his but I refused and made myself a sandwich. I could hear my lovely Mum's voice in my head telling me that that is what happens when you try and cut corners and not do things properly.

It wasn't my husband's fault so why should he lose half his dinner. (He still thought I was daft though). I 'm 71.

Can relate to so many of these, particularly @EverythingYouDoIsaBalloon . Hard to believe parents can be so shit to kids and yet it is so very common. It’s sort of comforting to know I’m not the only one with a mother who did her best to put me down.

Isn’t it interesting how much of it comes back to you when you bring up your own kids? I hope I strike the right balance with DS - I don’t think the world should fall at his feet, but I tell him frequently how lovely he is, what a nice person, how he looks great, and how he works hard, and how much we love him. Never the things I was told - that I was argumentative, stubborn, had a big nose and dark facial hair, that no one would ever want to marry me, etc etc. How anyone could say those things to their only child I will never know.

I have a good life but sometimes I still have to shake myself out of thinking I’m not good enough, and it took me a long time to get on with other women because I thought they would always judge me like my mother did.

Very interesting subject.

Seems as though whatever we're told as children can affect us negatively. Not just how bad but how good we are too. It seems obvious that being put down will have a negative effect but I also find it fascinating that telling a child they are clever or pretty is a bad thing if the person doesn't feel deserving.

It brings back a lot of memories... Like a pp I was occasionally told to stop showing off as a child. Looking back, I was pretty well behaved on the whole and never knew exactly what "showing off" meant other than telling me to sit down and shut up. It made me feel confused and hurt sometimes. But, I do remember being (and feeling) quite outgoing and confident as a small child. I was probably being put back in my box.

In later childhood and even now I often feel shy and unsure. I also tend to be more reactive than pro-active. Maybe those reprimands affected me more than I realised. Lots to think about ...

As I said, fascinating discussion.

My mother always told me I had an inferiority complex (when I look back it puzzles me where she picked up such big words) it didn't know what she meant but thought it was something bad.
She also told me I wasn't like a normal girl and that was why I was bullied at school and I was my fault not the bullies. She was always criticising all of my decisions.
I still have the insecurities of being not good enough despite having a lovely family and worry about making decisions.

My late parents had many faults but they never denigrated me. I was a confident child. My DF in particular always made me believe that I was anybody’s equal which has helped me throughout my life. That maybe sounds arrogant but I have never really felt that inferior to anyone. Of course I have had doubts and I am obviously realistic about my level of intelligence and capabilities.
My parents were however very superstitious and also great believers in ‘serves you right’. My DH and I laugh about it because his parents were the same. We say if a mad axe man jumped us in the street our parents would have said ‘serves you right’.
My late MIL worshipped her father when she was a child. He used to tell her to rub down the sides of her nose to try and alter its shape as it ‘wasn’t a pretty nose’ I just couldn’t comprehend any parent saying that to a child. She remembered this into her 80’s.
So sorry to previous posters still suffering from the terrible things said to them as children.

Not necessarily what my parents said, but what teachers and peers said.

I always call my children beautiful. 4 year old DD challenged me on it recently. 'Why do you keep saying I'm beautiful'?!

I actually think she is and I said so, but I also said it's because she has a beautiful kid nature and that's more important.

Hopefully this will give me a get out clause if she decides later on that my thinking her beautiful is just 'mum goggles' 🤣

*kind not kid

It's so true. A bitchy girl at school told me I had big calves. Been paranoid about them all my adult life but guess what.. I don't! I was bullied for a few years at school and I can't believe it had no effect on me as an adult.

I can never compliment my dd as she just says "Ypu would say that, you're my mum!"

If I were writing a handbook for mothers, this would be one of the most important topics to be addressed. The personality and attributes a mother projects onto a child in the early years - and I do mean projects - affects a child profoundly for the rest of its life.

@TheBirdintheCave it’s a really tricky one. I would have loved my mother to have told me I was beautiful, even if common sense told me I wasn’t, because it would have meant I was beautiful to her, and that therefore she really loved me. Instead I was made to feel defective, and in later life it really sunk in that the one person who is supposed to be on your side, wasn’t on mine. A very isolating feeling.
On the other hand I see it would be a bit deflating if you had been falsely built up - but at least you’d think, oh well at least my Mum loves me.

True. Also the fact that one tends to remember the bad rather the good makes it worse sadly. Your parents might have said lots of positive stuff but the few bad things will be distinctly etched in your mind.

Yes absolutely. My DP was always told by his mum that he was a 'bad' naughty child, and he really internalised that and has a very negative view of himself sometimes. It took therapy to work it out and see that he was actually just a curious and intelligent child (asking questions, boisterous) born to a mum who was a bit young and not patient enough to deal with him. Even she now admits that he wasn't at all as 'bad' as she used to think.

Also my parents never ever paid me a compliment or said much positive to me, meaning I'm shit at giving or taking compliments and don't really believe people who compliment me.

Of course! These things often become self fulfilling prophecies too. I was always ‘the big one’, ‘chubby’, ‘the wrong build to do ballet’ (at preschool age!), just plain old fat, and voila, have struggled with my weight my whole life. Which is annoying as why do we end up identifying with these things we wish we could be free of? I want to just identify my way out of being fat. Hmm!

Thank you for posting this. DS has a very... quirky style. Think socks and sandals, green trousers with tigers on, a colourful stripy top, and swimming goggles perched on his head like sunglasses.... to go to the playground. I absolutely adore it, but reading your comment has made me realise that I often laugh or joke about it - affectionately IMO, but he might not realise that's how it's meant. I'd hate to be the person who makes him think he needs to change or that he's not good at choosing clothes. I'll start offering more sincere compliments ☺️

This hit home for me recently when a customer of mine , a man in his 80s, with a PhD, couldn't find the bag he thought he had traveled with and returned to look for it (it was in the boot of his car). He called himself a Stupid Boy. A lifetime of achievement, but had probably always been absent minded and this insult had stayed with him.

More in my case it was drummed into me to never lie. Not a bad thing, but as an adult I’m brutally honest 🤣

My 2 sisters and I are half Malaysian and grew up in the 80s in a very small and narrow minded town in Wales. (Wales not necessarily relevant to the point I am trying to make). Mum moved to UK from Malaysia at age 15 and went on to study medicine at St Bart’s college in London before moving north after she met my English father. We were the minority by far and stood out.We were taught impeccable table manners, and personal care habits etc but also to hush, not make a scene and float ‘under the radar’ somewhat as I believe mum felt that the country was doing us a favour by having us. I was bullied incessantly, laughed at and made fun of for years for looking a little different to the Welsh people we went to school/s with. I had barely any social skills and very low self esteem until I hit my late 30s I’d say. (Sorry for the disjointed post)

Definitely! My internal voice always tells me I’m not a good enough person even though I know logically I’m actually a very nice person. The reason being is my mother is almost certainly an undiagnosed narcissist (and I mean that literally) and what she meant was I wasn’t following the narrative she had in mind.

Yes I was told my sister was the clever one but I'm the one who ended up with a professional qualification.

100%. I was always the butt of every village idiot joke in my family and I became obsessed with gaining a Dr title because I thought that was something tangible that proved I wasn't stupid. I was awarded scholarships to study and got my PhD and now I feel stupid for spending 9 years studying and getting into a career that pays f* all. 🤦🏻‍♀️