Do you think that you internalise what you're told you are as a child?

[Chilloutrelax]

So for example I was always told that I was very clever all throughout primary school. I was constantly praised by teachers and my parents for being brainy. In fact I was probably just a good reader and a bit more ahead than some of the other kids, but I've carried this belief. I've got zero evidence of being clever as an adult but I was told so much the belief has never gone away.

Otoh I was also constantly told I was shy, nervous and not very good at sport and I have carried this belief too and always been afraid of trying things.

Dh was always told that he was slow and a.bit stupid and again, even though he's done very well he always puts himself down about being 'thick'.

I was going to say no but totally unbidden leapt into my mind that my dad used to jokingly call me a 'fairy elephant' when I started ballet aged about 9 or so

I probably was a little bit hefty back then too

Df always used to tell me that I gave up on things and never finished things properly. I now have a deep worry about failure, like It is always my fault because i could have done more or worked harder. Often when things go wrong it is completely out of my control but this sense of not being seen as a failure has really impacted my life.

Yes.

If you say "you're a helpful person" or "you're a kind person" to a small child it sticks more than "thank you for helping".

It is very hard to shake off the words and messages delivered in childhood. It isn't simply the things said to us by parents which imprint themselves so deeply in the psyche, it is picking up on the favouritism which infects so many families. How many people, as very young children, instinctively picked up on the hierarchies operating within the home? Who is Mummy or Daddy’s favourite, who is always scapegoated? Who is said to possess tremendous abilities because the parents wish it to be, whilst others are labeled ‘mediocre’? The ability to parent with good humour and avoiding idiotic favourites or protagonists, is a tremendous skill.

Completely. I have no doubt my mother loved me but she constantly criticised me from when I was very small. I'm not a therapist, I don't know if it lead to my awful shyness but low self esteem and lack of confidence definitely. It took until my 30s and bringing up my own children to realise what an effect things like that can have.

My mother had a very strange belief that children shouldn't be praised. Apparently it would make them 'big headed' and they would stop working as hard! Consequently all that came from her mother was criticism and explanation of how I'd embarrassed her by my behaviour and how ashamed of me she was.

Oh gosh, this rang so true for me. Nothing was ever good enough and I felt like a constant disappointment. My mum admitted later (quite proudly) that she did this on purpose so that I would "keep striving". It worked, I suppose, because I did and I've had a successful academic record and career but constantly haunted by feeling not good enough/ imposter syndrome/ never enough. I'm now a partner at a law firm but my parents have never ever acknowledged this, it's bizarre.

Likewise always being told "you're no oil painting" because mum thought it would make us vain to compliment our appearance beyond "neat and tidy". That backfired massively because having been convinced I was terribly ugly, once I got to teenage years and boys/ men found me attractive I found it incredibly seductive rather than taking it with a pinch of salt. Once I was out with my mum and we met one of her friends from church who said "oh your daughter is so pretty" and mum actually hissed angrily "NO SHE ISN'T!" The poor woman looked horrified and couldn't understand what she'd said wrong!

I did have some therapy a few years ago from an acquaintance doing a PhD and she really tapped into the "disappointment role" I'd been assigned. It finally made sense and I've been able to be kinder to myself though it's very hard to shake off a way of thinking I've had my whole life.

Yes, I think you do internalise what you are told, but even if it is positive, it has to be backed up with actions or it leaves you very confused. My parents told me all the time that I was loved, but never provided the basics - clothes, school equipment, shoes that fitted, a coat that kept out the cold, hygiene products, pocket money, even though they had pots of money. they just didn't notice that I needed anything ad for some reason I was too scared to ask and also internalised that I didn't deserve anything, didn;t deserve the basics because they'd obviously provide them, since they could, if I did deserve them.

So I was very confused. I didn't know what love was. I believed I was loved because they said it all the time, but all around me friends had clean nice clothes, pocket money, decent kit, hobbies paid for, support to acquire essential life skills, emotional and practical support and advice, and I had none of that. Nor did DSis. We fended for ourselves. It wasn't until I met DH that I learned you have to demonstrate love not just state it.

Yes, but it's never too late to tell that voice to stop being so silly/mean/down and to start telling ourselves some kind/thankful/consoling things. Today x

Everyone here who was told they were clever , is clever. It's that a lot of other people are also clever . But your worth is measured in comparison with others, it is valid in your own right.

I get quite anxious about things, and often it's due to things I've been told . My parents often gave me the idea that I should be anxious about things. I'm sure my dislike of parking has come from my df.

Yes I do especially the sensitive ones which is why children need nurturing. My Nan on the whole was such a positive influence on my life encouraging me to paint, and teaching me Italian and to bake and knit but she also made a few personal remarks about my shyness that really hurt and I will always remember to this day.

Yes absolutely. But I do think there are ways we can work on them as adults. I haven't really had any positive messages internalised from childhood but plenty of negative ones. I do think that's gotten better over time though through lots of counselling. It's good to hear you had positive messages internalised though 🙂

Yes absolutely - it can change if it’s negative but in my case took years & years. As a teenager I was put on diet after diet by my Mum when I was a normal weight for my height & actually when I look at photos from back then, I had a lovely figure. I am overweight now in my late 50s but I have already lost 2 stone from quitting drinking & am planning to lose more but on my own terms & for me, not for anyone else. Parents really need to think about how what they say to their children can damage them.

Yes and it takes a while to unlearn

My Grandad loved me and I could feel that . He never said anything critical and we were very close long walks to parks , I wasn’t a naughty child but I must have annoyed him a bit sometimes. Children are like sponges .
I worked with pre school and if there was one thing I would blow my own trumpet about it was helping the shy children feel more confident, relaxed and safe .

I had a similar conversation with DH last week.

I always knew that I wanted to be a SAHM, it was a be all or end all, I remember breaking up with my boyfriend at uni as he had a different opinion on it.

As soon as I was made redundant I felt it was perfect timing to start a family as I always wanted to be a SAHM. My mum was very vocal grouping up about mums who worked. ‘What’s the point having kids if you don’t want to bring them up/trusting a stranger with your child…’

DD is only 9 months, and I am genuinely happy to be a SAHP. I’m struggling slightly as all the mum friends I’ve made are going back to work. I’m the only one choosing to stay at home, I guess it doesn’t help that I used to be career driven and the friends I’ve made are similar.

The penny dropped last week that it was my mum’s opinion on nursery’s/working mums had skewed this massive life choice.

I think it was my mum’s insecurity as all the other mums worked, and she was a single mum on benefits.

Yes, it's why I'm trying to move on to telling my kids I'm proud of them for being such hard workers and always doing their best instead of telling them how clever they are. I'm hoping it'll make a positive difference, but who knows!

But all parents should be VERY careful about what teachers at school are telling their children.

Teachers (especially in primary school) can cause untold damage. I have so many issues that have shaped my entire adult life …and not in a good way. My life would look so different now if it wasnt for them. 😢

My parents were great (exemplary even) but that didn’t stop the damage that happened for years in primary school.

Yes

I grew up being told regularly by DM that I was spoiled, selfish, not pretty enough.
I'm a grown-ass woman but to this day I'm still so insecure about my looks I cant even pop to the shop without a mask of make up, and feel guilty for self-care or buying myself anything, because it must make me "spoiled and selfish"

Pathetic huh

On the flip side, my grandmother would always praise my reading and writing skills, and would brag to her mates that I'd be a top journalist or write novels one day.
I just do admin, but I'm very confident at it! And its still using words right? 😂

Onlyhereforthebiscuits absolutely agree about primary school! And secondary. Some people really shouldn’t be teachers! Having said that, I did have some brilliant teachers that I still think of fondly after all these years.

Definitely, the good and the bad.

I also was also told by my family constantly that I was so clever. When like you, I was just a good reader and quite quiet and studious and at school. It meant when I got D’s in my science and maths GCSE I really struggled because it was like, here it is in black and white I’m not as smart as everyone thought I was. I got As in all my other subjects and did a literature degree but my brain really struggles to process numbers. I also really do think I have dyscalculia but nobody thought to check this as I was ‘so clever.’

I remember one summer when I was 13/14, wearing a vest top and my aunt said ‘wow your boobs are so big they’re covered in stretch marks!’ And I have lived with a life long anxiety about my boobs since this comment. My dad once told me I had ‘footballers legs’ and so I never wore shorts or skirts until very recently - I’m now 33.

Yes.

My dad was very similar. Lots of fat jibes that he thought were funny. He wasn’t a bad person just didn’t understand how his words could sting. I am completely different with my own sons. I’m their greatest cheerleader. I’ve never criticised them or put them down. I was on the receiving end for too long and it’s made me totally self conscious

Of course, that's why there are so many fucked up people in the world.

MIL should read this thread

She constantly and I mean constantly harps on, in front of her grandkids, about how much she adores her eldest granddaughter and what a special bond they have, and how shes got no bond with her grandson because she didnt see him as much when he was a baby (her and SIL had a falling out)

Shes basically digging at her little grandson because she doesnt have the bollocks to have it out with her daughter

He's just coming up 4 and I've witnessed his reaction when she brings the subject up; his head and shoulders droop, he looks at the floor, bites his lip, and appears like he's trying to be as small as he can. He's a lovely sweet quiet little lad and my heart breaks for him.

DPs whole family seem to accept this as normal behaviour so she never gets pulled up on it

I'm waiting for the day she says the same about my DD, so I can take great pleasure in putting her in her place

I can so relate to this. Primary school labelled me gifted at a young age which I'm not, I'm smart, but in much the same way as loads of other people, not 'university at 12' fodder or anything like that. Unfortunately my dad got very excited about my 'potential' once the school had stuck that label on me, and although he and my mum used to tell me it was enough to do my best, so many contradicting things were said that made it clear to me I was supposed to be head and shoulders above everyone else. I was often pushed to read improving books etc rather than just playing and doing normal kid stuff.

There was also an assumption I'd fall instantly into a high-flying (and high-earning) career after uni just because I had a degree, and my dad wasn't quite able to hide his disappointment when it didn't really pan out like that, so I ended up feeling like an underachiever. The reasons he gave for my apparently being 'held back in life' (which wasn't how I felt) were my 'shyness' and my weight. Yes, I can be shy, but I've never been anywhere near as shy as I was perceived to be. I've held teaching jobs, I do amateur dramatics, things I was warned away from at the beginning because I was 'too shy' for them. And although I have had my struggles weight-wise, when I look back on old photos I realise that for a lot of the time when I was being told I was fat, I ... wasn't fat.

Unfortunately, in addition to being too fat and too shy, I was also frequently labelled difficult, awkward, argumentative, moody and bad-tempered which looking back I actually don't think I was any more than the next child/young person. Apparently I'd never have any friends, never find anyone to marry me etc. They were wrong on both counts. They did love me despite how it sounds from this post, but it was a very controlling sort of love; they both had very authoritarian upbringings and I think they had assumed they could just mould a child of their own into a meek and docile little thing (probably why I was encouraged to see myself as shy) and it was clear to me that it had been a disappointment to them that that hadn't panned out. I was an only child which didn't help, because I grew up hearing these labels only being applied to myself and didn't have any perspective (in the form of how they might have treated my siblings) to tell me I wasn't universally disagreeable and unlikeable as they seemed to think.

Tbh all of this has been very hard to shake, and it's only in midlife that I've really had any success at unpicking/debunking any of this in my own mind. I still don't have the confidence I should have, though, because lacking it in the past drew me into unhelpful friendships and relationships which perpetuated the vicious circle.